


It's Just Toast

by strawberrystardust



Category: Glee
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Dalton Academy, Dalton Academy Warblers, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Food Restriction, Glee - Freeform, Kurt Hummel-Centric, M/M, Not Blaine or Klaine Friendly, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, anorexic!kurt, b/p subtype, kurtbastian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26628196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrystardust/pseuds/strawberrystardust
Summary: Kurt is struggling with an eating disorder, but is too stubborn to admit there's a problem. Set at Dalton, he has a lot of OCD tendencies as well. Please don't read if you know that it will adversely affect you.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 346
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on here, but I always saw a lot of eating disorder tendencies in Kurt as a character, and wanted to write about it! I'm currently struggling a lot with an ED right now, so this is sort of a rant fic, and will be very triggering. There will be a trigger warning every chapter, but honestly, the whole book is just a huge tw. Please leave comments/critiques telling me what you like/didn't like! I included a lot of OCD traits as well, because a lot of times, those are coupled with EDs. There are more notes at the bottom, please read those as well!

“I’ll have a black coffee, thanks,” he said, chewing at his lip as he tried to look anywhere but at his friend, who would surely suspect that something was up. Luckily, Blaine was too engrossed in a conversation with Jeff to comprehend what he had ordered. He breathed a sigh of relief, offering a weak smile to the barista as he ordered for the other two boys and paid. Nick gave him a strange look, but didn’t say anything, and quickly forgot when he realized that Kurt had paid.

“Kurt, what the hell, man? You’re in a line full of boys with enough money to buy the NFL, at least let us use it to buy you coffee!” Kurt laughed weakly, rocking anxiously on his heels as he tried to clear the clouds in his mind. 

“Don’t worry about it, it’s the least I could do after practically dragging you to see our opposing team at sectionals,” He replied, shooting him a playful wink and grabbing their coffees. He distributed the drinks to the other boys before sipping at his own, grateful to soothe his rumbling stomach and racing mind. He held onto the wall as subtly as he could, taking a long swig of the coffee to clear his cloudy mind as he walked toward a table. He sat down with a forced smile, wrapping his hands around the coffee cup and shutting his eyes until the spots in his vision disappeared. The other boys didn’t seem to notice, at least, not until Nick shoved half a muffin toward him with a laugh, bouncing in his seat.

“Alright, Hummel, you have to try this, it’s  _ insane,”  _ he gushed. Kurt felt his heart speed up, mind racing to think of an excuse as he gripped the coffee cup tighter, leaving small dents in the side of the thin paper container. Blaine looked over at him, raising an eyebrow. Nick and Jeff soon looked at him the same way. “Hello, earth to Kurt?” Nick’s brows knitted together in concern, “you’re supposed to eat the muffin, not glare at it.” 

Kurt suddenly realized that he had gotten lost in thought and taken too long to answer, as all the other boys were looking at him worriedly. He took a deep breath, shaking his head and wrinkling his nose a bit. He wrapped one hand over his stomach, squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a moment before speaking up.

“Sorry guys, I’m just not feeling too great this morning. I woke up a bit out of it, and I think I might be coming down with something,” he explained confidently, voice wavering a bit to show that he wasn’t feeling well. See, while he may feel exceptionally bad about it, Kurt was good at lying. One would get quite a bit of practice after being in the closet for fifteen years. He paused, before continuing. “Actually, I think I may need to take a rain check today. I know we were supposed to go for pizza, but there is no way in  _ hell _ that my stomach will let me have something that greasy without hurling on the nearest poorly-dressed millennial,” he laughed. “I’m really sorry, guys. Maybe we can make it up at the bowling alley tomorrow? I need to get back to my dorm before this migraine gets any worse.” Kurt smiled weakly at the boys, who seemed convinced.

“Gee, Kurt, you should have just told us you were feeling bad,” frowned Jeff, “Do you need me to walk you back to our dorm? Now that I think about it, you are looking a bit pale…”

Kurt shook his head. “I’m always pale, Coach Sylvester doesn’t call me Porcelain for my deep tan,” he teased, “but I’ll be fine. Thank you for your concern, but you all have been looking forward to this. Just have fun, alright? I’ll see you tonight.

Jeff seemed satisfied with that answer until Nick spoke up, not completely convinced. “I don’t know, Kurt. Black coffee must be awful on an upset stomach, are you sure you don’t need anything?” 

At this, the other boys seemed to do a double take, looking at Kurt incredulously. Blaine laughed a bit, though the knit in his eyebrows deepened out of concern. “Black coffee? What are you doing, Kurt, you’re not turning into some sort of ‘rexie, are you?” Jeff smacked him on the arm, as Kurt’s heart skipped a beat. “What? He always gets the same thing, and he hasn’t eaten breakfast. Besides, it was just a joke.” 

Kurt frowned, looking directly at Blaine. “Not a funny joke, gel-met. Besides, I only ordered it so the sugar in my mocha didn’t upset my stomach any further. But, since my eating habits are so concerning to you, I’ll make sure to update you every time I eat a grape,” he replied coldly. He turned to the other boys with a tight-lipped smile, a soft huff slipping through his lips. “I’ll see you boys later,” he said stiffly, not proud of the way he was handling this in the slightest. Regardless, he turned on his heel, but not before shooting Blaine one last icy glare and downing the rest of the coffee. After he had walked out of the coffee shop, Nick and Jeff looked at each other in shock.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know he could be that scary, did you know he was that scary?”

“No, I didn’t know he was that scary! Blaine, did you know he could be that scary?”

Blaine looked away from the door, where he had watched Kurt leave with concern. He couldn’t figure out why he had reacted like that. Maybe he had a family member who had struggled with some sort of eating problem? That really could be the only thing. Regardless, he replied with a soft smile, letting a weak chuckle slip through his lips. 

“No, Jeff, I didn’t know he could be that scary.”

___________________________________________________________

  
  


As Kurt stormed away from the café, his vision blurred, black spots dancing around the edges. He had learned to ignore it by now, but it made getting from place to place quite the struggle. He eventually ducked into a classroom, leaning against the wall to calm himself down and throw away the coffee cup, which had long since been crushed in his fist. He shut his eyes, running a shaky hand through his hair as he tried to figure out how on earth he could reassure his friends that he was  _ not  _ anorexic, and that he just didn’t find the joke funny. Surely that was a good enough excuse, right? He had assumed that standing still would make him feel a bit better, but he somehow only felt worse. He realized that he probably had to eat something, and sighed yet again. His stomach turned- or jumped for joy, he couldn’t tell anymore.

Kurt made his way to the dining hall, trying to hide the resigned expression making its way across his face. There weren’t many people there, but it was enough to make him feel quite self conscious. He scanned the options and felt sick to his stomach. Even the vegetables were drenched in oil; greasy, calorific oil. He eventually settled on a piece of plain toast. He looked at the packaging as discreetly as he could, though he already knew what it said. One slice was seventy-three calories, not quite a multiple of ten, so he grabbed a few leaves of raw spinach from the salad bar to even it out. 

Kurt grabbed a fork and knife and made his way to a table alone. He chugged a glass of water as he sat down, just like he had practiced. He grabbed the spinach, one leaf at a time, eating each piece in three bites and setting it down in between. He fought back the tears in his eyes as he counted each bite,  _ onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenonetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten.  _ He eventually finished the spinach and moved on to the toast, trying to think of how exactly to eat it. Of course, he knew how he would eat it, but pretending to think about it gave him a moment before he actually had to put it into his mouth. He carefully cut off the crusts and set them on the table next to his plate. Now they were contaminated and he couldn’t eat them. He started cutting the toast. He cut it in half, then in fourths, then in eighths, and eventually, he had it cut into twenty-eight pieces. He counted them carefully before quickly cutting one of the pieces in half again to make it an even thirty- a multiple of both three and ten. He breathed a sigh of relief before picking up his fork and putting a piece into his mouth.  _ Onetwothreefour- _

“Hummel, what in the hell are you doing?”

_ Shit. _ Before Kurt even registered what he was doing, he quickly grabbed his napkin and spat the piece of toast into it as discreetly as possible, looking up to see none other than Sebastian Smythe. He practically groaned, rolling his eyes. “Eating, what the hell does it look like?”

“Well, I don’t know what it looks like, but it doesn’t look like eating. May I sit?” He gestured to the chair across from Kurt, who shook his head. 

“No you may not,” he quipped, feeling his anger rise. He took a few deep breaths. “I was trying to eat my toast, and I would like to continue doing that, so if you wouldn’t mind leaving, that would be wonderful,” he said, as calmly as he possibly could. 

Sebastian shrugged. “Fine, if you’re going to be such an ass, I suppose I will.” He grabbed one of the miniscule bites of toast off of Kurt’s plate, whose eyes widened. 

“Hey, what the hell?! Put that back!” He said, trying to fight his rising tone of voice as tears sprung to his eyes. Sebastian looked rather confused. 

“It’s just one bite, what difference does it make?” Kurt’s mind was racing. ( _Seventy-three divided by thirty is two point four thirty minus one is twenty nine two point four times twenty nine is seventy,_ ) he calmed for a second before realizing, alarm bells going off in his mind, _thecrustthecrustthecrust-_

“Sebastian, please put it back,  _ please. _ ” He pleaded with the other boy, not caring about how absolutely insane he must seem. Sebastian, not seeming to realize how serious Kurt was about this, popped it into his mouth. The second that Kurt saw this, he immediately burst into tears, much to the alarm of Sebastian. 

“Woah, what the hell- I can get you more toast!” the wide-eyed Sebastian backtracked quickly. Kurt stood up immediately, grabbing his plate, shoveling the remaining bites of toast  _ (twenty-seven) _ into the trash, and practically throwing the plate into the dirty dish bin. He couldn’t breathe, this was all wrong! He walked as quickly as he could out of the dining hall and into the nearest empty classroom, grateful for the fact that it was a weekend.

Sebastian was dumbfounded. After recovering from the moment, he quickly followed the boy out and eventually found him hyperventilating in a classroom. He debated on going in or not. He hated the kid, but he wasn’t cruel, and he definitely didn’t mean to cause that kind of reaction. After a few moments of intense thought, he went in, kneeling down in front of him. 

“Geez, Hummel, I didn’t realize toast was that important to you,” he said weakly. Evidently, this was the wrong thing to say, as Kurt burst into another round of tears. “Wait, no- um-” he sighed, “god, what do you need? Should I bring you some water? I can get Anderson if you want,” he offered, not used to being this nice to someone that he couldn’t stand. At the mention of Blaine, Kurt looked up with wide eyes, shaking his head quickly. He opened his mouth, attempting to say something, but unable to get it out. It quickly dawned on Sebastian that this was a panic attack. This, he could deal with. 

“Alright, Hum-” He paused, “Kurt, I need you to look at me, alright? Look straight at me and match my breathing. That’s right,” he said as gently as he could, taking slow deep breaths while making eye contact with the boy. Sebastian offered a weak smile after he had eventually calmed Kurt down, which had taken way longer than he anticipated. 

“Alright, now do you want to tell me what that was about?”

_Fantastic._


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian worries about Kurt, Kurt worries about how to get Sebastian off his trail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Eating Disorders, OCD
> 
> How do I add indentation when I copy/paste?? Doing it manually after transferring it is exhausting !!

Kurt paused, mind racing as he tried to think of a lie. He soon realized that there weren’t many ways he could lie his way out of this; any lie made him sound just as crazy as the truth did! Finally, he settled on shooting Sebastian an icy glare.

“Does it matter? We hate each other, it’s not like you would care,” he snarled, to which Sebastian visibly recoiled. 

“I may hate you, but I’m not a bad person. Besides, how am I supposed to get into your boyfriend’s pants if it isn’t a fair fight?” Sebastian teased, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Kurt went to shrug the boy’s hand off, but he didn’t need to. Sebastian had already jerked his hand back as if he had been burnt. Why the hell was Kurt’s shoulder so bony? Had he always been this thin? Kurt could see the cogs turning in Sebastian’s mind, and decided to speak before he figured it out. 

“He’s not my boyfriend, Blaine and I are just friends,” he said as calmly as he could.

“Ah, but you knew who I was talking about when I called him your boyfriend, so that at least means something, right?” Sebastian let a small smirk tug at the corners of his lips, trying to get Kurt to do the same. He hated the expression on the other boy’s face, he seemed so small. It wasn’t right, something wasn’t right. “So please, tell me what’s wrong. And spare me the bullshit, because I can  _ smell _ lies, I grew up on them.”

Kurt paused. Eventually, he settled on a lie. It wasn’t great, but it was something. “I’m just feeling a bit ill this morning. My head is spinning and everything is loud. I’m probably coming down with something, so you don’t have to worry about it. I’m fine, Sebastian, really,” he began, feeling a bit guilty. He wondered when he had become such a dishonest person. The lie slipped out almost too easily, and seemed a bit ridiculous to him. Sebastian, though, seemed to believe it, his confused expression turning into one of confusion.

“Do you always act like a heroin addict when you’re sick?” Kurt shrugged, and Sebastian continued, pressing a hand to his forehead in an almost loving manner, before yanking it back upon the realization of what he was doing. He was silent for a second before speaking up. “Why don’t I take you to the nurse, you feel a bit clammy.”

Kurt’s eyes widened, his mind immediately going to the scale in the nurse's office, the motherly woman who would fuss over him and press crackers into his hands, who would hold a cup of apple juice against his lips and force it down his throat, tutting disapprovingly when he refused to eat the crackers. He thought of how he’d have to lie his way out of the nurses office, nearly making it before she realized that something was terribly, horribly wrong with him and called his dad. He thought about how he’d have to lie to his dad, which was so much worse than lying to a meerkat-faced asshole who, just yesterday, couldn’t stand to look at him. He paled, quickly shaking his head.

“No!” He obviously didn’t mean to yell, surprising the both of them. Kurt cleared his throat before repeating himself, a bit calmer this time. “No, I’m fine. My dad has heart problems, I don’t need him worrying about me. I’m fine,” Kurt reassured Sebastian quickly, offering a shaky smile.  _ Two times, you only said it twice.  _ Kurt paused, debating it before beginning to stand up. “I’m fine.”  _ three _

Sebastian wasn’t convinced, but decided he would let it go. Or at least, he was going to let it go until Kurt stood up, whatever color left in his face draining away. The boy seemed quite out of it, not seeming to notice the way he was swaying dangerously. The second Kurt tried to take a step, he immediately stumbled, Sebastian instinctively catching him under the arms. “Careful, Hummel!” He cursed himself at how he sounded like he actually cared. He didn’t. Probably. “Anderson will beat my ass if you come back from my dorm with a black eye.”

Kurt made a face, immediately attempting to extract himself from Sebastian’s arms. “Your dorm?”

“Seriously, Hummel? You look like shit. There’s no way I’m letting you go back to your dorm alone, and I highly doubt you want Anderson and the loony twins fussing over you,” he replied, carefully bringing Kurt to his feet, but keeping a firm grip on his arm. He nearly fainted himself when he realized that he could almost wrap his hand around the boy’s arm. Sebastian decided against saying something, he didn’t know Hummel’s damage. Still, was he always this thin? 

Kurt seemed to think for a moment, realizing that Sebastian was right. He highly doubted he would make it up to his dorm without fainting again, and he wasn’t in the mood to make a scene by crying in the dining hall. He sighed, rolling his eyes and straightening his blazer. “Fine, but no funny business, got it? This doesn’t make us friends.”

“Oh please, Hummel, if I wanted a bony twink I would go back to France.”

This comment made Kurt want to jump for joy. He knew it should have offended him, but in a sick way, it made him feel like all of this was worth it. Sebastian called him  _ bony.  _ Bony is another word for thin. He stood up a bit straighter, trying to regain his haughty posture, but still swaying dangerously. The world spun around him, and he could barely register the feeling of his feet on the ground. Sebastian seemed to realize this, as when he didn’t begin walking, he spoke up.

“Do I need to carry you?” Sebastian didn’t seem happy about this in the slightest, but he would do it if needed. Kurt shook his head violently, making his head spin all over again. He would pass out on the staircase before he allowed Smythe to pick him up: to feel the fat of his ribs and stomach squish and jiggle with every step. At this thought, Kurt winced, shaking his head again before responding.

“No, but… Please don’t let go,” he whispered, hating how weak he sounded. Sebastian smirked a bit, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“Wasn’t planning on it, princess,” he hummed, causing Kurt to shoot him another steely glare. Sebastian held one hand up in mock defense (“kidding!”) as he led the boy up to his dorm slowly, letting him pause and lean against the wall a few times on the way up. Eventually, Sebastian was leading Kurt into his room, carefully laying him down on the bed. Kurt looked exhausted. Sebastian reached for the blanket to tuck him in, but quickly realized what he was doing and stopped himself. He noticed Kurt looking at him with an unreadable expression.

“I’m not going to cuddle you, if that’s what you want,” Sebastian hummed, to which Kurt groaned, burying his face in the pillow for a minute before replying.

“Do it and I cut your dick off. I’m already coming down with whatever this is, I don’t need Smythe germs on top of it.” Sebastian laughed, shaking his head. Kurt looked at him for a moment longer before continuing, “Can you please leave?”

Sebastian looked at him with a baffled expression. “Are you trying to kick me out of my own dorm?” Kurt shrugged.

“Huh, I guess I am. You’re the one who forced me up here,” he replied, hating how weak he must seem. Sebastian seemed to scoff. 

“No way, I’m not coming back to a dead body in my bed. I’m going to do homework, get some sleep so I don’t have to hear you whining,” remarked Sebastian, “Aren’t you going to take off your blazer?” 

Kurt shook his head, not wanting Sebastian to see the white fuzz that coated his arms. He knew he should shave it, but showering already made him feel faint, and he didn’t want to add sharp objects into the mix. He shivered a bit to prove his point, though it wasn’t fake. He was actually quite cold, he was always cold. “Cold,” he shrugged. 

Sebastian tutted disapprovingly, making his way over. “God, Hummel, this is a bit pathetic, isn’t it? I almost feel bad for you, do I need to take your temperature or something?” He reluctantly tucked the boy in, who tried to feign indignance, but was given away by the grateful expression on his face. “Whatever, just… Sleep, seriously. You need it.” He flicked off the lights, pausing for a moment. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to tell one of your friends where you are, just so they don’t try to file a missing persons report or something. Your pick, Sterling, Duval, or the hot one?” He asked, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

Kurt rubbed his temple, wanting to tell him not to, but knowing in his heart that Sebastian was right. His friends did have a tendency to worry. He groaned a bit, thinking. Jeff would flip. The boy meant well, but had a tendency to be a bit overbearing at times, and he didn’t want to be taken to a hospital where they shoved a tube down his throat and pumped him full of empty calories. There was Blaine, but he didn’t want Blaine to see him as weak. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t beginning to develop feelings for the shorter boy, and didn’t want what little chance he had to be ruined by Blaine seeing him like this. Finally, he decided on Nick. Nick was laid back enough that he could break the news to the others without them flipping out. He sighed.

“I suppose Nick, but make sure to tell him alone. I don’t want Jeff and Blaine flipping out, even if it would be funny to see you get your ass kicked by a boy of five-foot-eight,” he laughed. Sebastian shot him a sad smile, which Kurt didn’t like one bit. Pity. He hated pity. He got that look when his mom died, when his teachers told him that their hands were tied, or that being gay just meant he would get his ass kicked from time to time. “I don’t need your pity, Smythe,” he added.

Sebastian shook his head. “Gotcha, I’ll be back,” he said, pausing before taking a moment to add, “don’t die, seriously,” he mumbled, rushing out the door and toward the coffee shop where he knew Kurt’s friends usually were on Saturday mornings. Upon spotting them, he strode over confidently, giving them each a once over. 

“Duval, a word?”

Nick exchanged a confused look with Jeff, the eyeroll that came from Blaine not going unnoticed. Blaine shook his head, mouthing the word “no,” but Nick stood up, looking at Sebastian with crossed arms and nodding as if to say he had permission to speak.

Sebastian walked a few feet away, beckoning for the boy to follow before beginning to speak. 

“I just wanted to let you know that Hum-” he paused, “that Kurt is in my dorm. I found him in the dining hall looking like hell. The kid looked really sick, like he was about to pass out or something,” his brows furrowed a bit before he continued, “Anyways, I figured I should tell you before you guys flip out or something when you can’t find him.”

Nick gave him a strange look. “Why didn’t you just take him back to his dorm- he let you do that? He literally hates you more than anyone,” he said confusedly. 

Sebastian shrugged. “I didn’t give him much choice in the matter, he took one step and almost fainted. I caught him, and I wasn’t about to leave him alone after that. I may be an ass but I’m not a bad person,” he reminded. “Whatever, just tell your little friends-” he gestured toward the table where Blaine and Jeff were looking toward them curiously, “-that you guys can pick him up whenever you want. My dorm generally has a ‘no twinks allowed’ policy, so I have to thoroughly disinfect once he leaves,” Sebastian snarked. 

Nick raised an eyebrow, but the look Sebastian gave him suggested that no further questions would be accepted. He nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets and shooting another glance back to the table. 

“Alright, thanks, I guess. We’ll swing by later,” he replied. Nick paused, noticing Sebastian about to leave. “Oh, and Sebastian?” he called, causing Sebastian to look back at him with a bored expression. He continued, “thanks.”

Sebastian nodded wordlessly before strolling back up to his dorm, leaving the three boys in the coffee shop more confused than when he came in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment whether or not you want this to be Kurtbastian or Klaine! Taking votes! 
> 
> I love hearing from you guys, please comment telling me what you like/don't like/anything else!  
> Cherie x


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of last chapter, as well as another look into Kurt's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for eating disorders and disordered behaviors, OCD, and panic attacks

After Sebastian had left, Nick walked back over to the table where the other boys were sat, eagerly waiting to hear what Sebastian had said. Jeff immediately pulled Nick into his lap, resting his chin on the boy’s shoulder. 

“So what was that about?” he asked, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. Nick, caught up in his worry for Kurt, leaned away slightly, running a hand through his hair. 

“Apparently Smythe found Kurt in the dining hall, he almost passed out. I don’t think he was lying when he said he was sick, because you haven’t heard the weirdest part. Kurt let Sebastian take him back up to his dorm!  _ Sebastian! _ ” he cried, shaking his head in disbelief before continuing, “He said that we could come get him whenever, but it sounds like he can barely walk.”

The table was silent for a minute before exploding into rapid conversation, all of them trying to talk at once in order to express their worry for Kurt and what they could do. Finally, Blaine cleared his throat. 

“Is anyone else worried? I mean, you saw how he was acting this morning. And, we all know how Sebastian is. I just hope that he doesn’t… Pressure him into anything,” he mumbled, trailing off. Jeff smiled, sharing a look with Nick before piping up.

“Aww, Blainey-bear is worried about his other half!” he exclaimed, playfully pinching the cheek of a flustered Blaine, who smacked his hand off. 

“No, it’s just that I care about my friends! We all know how Kurt and the meerkat feel about each other,” he explained, unable to hide the pink tint rising to his cheeks. “You know what? Just forget I even mentioned it,” he huffed.

__________________________________________________

Kurt woke from his restless sleep somehow feeling worse than before, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. He looked around at the unfamiliar setting, previous events flooding his mind. He panicked a bit, trying to figure out how to lie his way out. He soon realized that the best way to do this would be to act like he still felt sick. Regardless, he would prefer to pretend to be sick from the comfort of his own dormitory. He moved the blanket and slowly swung his legs out of the bed just as Sebastian opened the door, carrying a packet of saltines and a bottle of Gatorade. 

When Sebastian saw the boy about to get up, he alarmedly set down what he was carrying and walked over, gently pushing him back to lay down. “What do you think you’re doing? Didn’t I tell you I don’t want a corpse in my dorm? You aren’t leaving until you at least have some Gatorade.” Sebastian said all of this quickly, bringing over the Gatorade and crackers. “Here, I brought you these. I figured you should at least have something on your stomach.”

Kurt stared at the crackers distrustfully, his mind beginning to race.  _ Saltine crackers thirteen calories per cracker two crackers in a pack equals twenty-six calories saltines aren’t safe. DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER-  _ Kurt cleared his throat. 

“I’m not hungry. Besides, I hate saltines,” he said, fighting to keep his voice from wavering. Sebastian scoffed.

“Well you clearly don’t like toast either, considering how you mauled the piece downstairs,” he grumbled. Kurt shook his head. 

“I like toast,” he said under his breath, his shaky hands reaching for the Gatorade.  _ Gatorade is eighty calories eighty divided by three is almost twenty-seven. Almost, not quite. Three sips Kurt if you take more than three sips you’re fat. Fatfatfatfatfat. Fat.  _ Kurt carefully took a sip, wanting nothing more than for his brain to be quiet. He took the remaining two sips before setting the bottle aside. 

Sebastian noticed the struggle he seemed to be having, assuming he was nauseous. “Come on, Hummel, that’s barely any… One more sip?” he coaxed, sitting on the edge of the bed. Kurt froze.  _ Four isn’t a multiple of three. If you take another sip it’ll be four. If it’s four Blaine won’t come back for you.  _

“I don’t feel too good,” he pouted, trying to get out of it. Sebastian wasn’t having it, nodding toward the bottle. Kurt rolled his eyes, heart pounding as he raised the bottle to his lips, keeping them squeezed tightly together  _ (JUSTTHREEJUSTTHREEJUSTTHREE)  _ so that none of the drink actually entered his mouth. He set aside the bottle, glaring at Sebastian, who looked pleased. 

“Alright, I’ll be back, I’m going to get you some toast,” said Sebastian, grumbling something to himself about how Kurt was acting like a little kid. Once Sebastian had left, Kurt realized that he didn’t have to eat dinner. This meant he didn’t have to save his calories for later in the day and could drink the Gatorade. He reached for the bottle and began taking sips.  _ one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. eight. nine. ten. one. two. three. four. five. six-  _ when he finished it, he fell back against the bed, feeling the cloudiness begin to leave his head. He carefully swung his legs out of bed again, making it for Sebastian. It was the least he could do, right? He decided he would cut the toast into thirds, one of which he would eat after cutting into exactly ten strips- but not before cutting the crusts off. That would be about twenty-five calories, setting his grand total for the day at one-hundred and five.

Kurt was lost in thought by the time Sebastian came back in with the toast. He offered a weak smile to the confused Sebastian, which immediately dropped upon seeing that the toast was buttered.  _ Butter is one tablespoon one hundred and two calories in a tablespoon. Butter is oil. oil isn’t safe.  _ Kurt shook his head a bit in an effort to get his head to shut up, picking up the empty bottle. 

“I actually finished the bottle and am feeling a lot better, so I really have to be going. Thank you for taking care of me though-” he said quickly, not once looking up from the toast. Eventually, he glanced away from the buttered toast and at the puzzled looking Sebastian and stood up, “yeah, thanks,” he repeated as he quickly pushed past Sebastian and booked it out the door. He muttered “thanks” one more time under his breath, walking to his dorm before shutting the door and leaning against it to calm his rapid breathing. 

Once Kurt’s breathing calmed, he began pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what the hell he was about to do. He soon realized that he felt uncomfortably full from the Gatorade. With every step, he could feel it sloshing around in his stomach. His breathing picked up again as he stumbled toward the mirror, tears in his eyes. He quickly lifted his shirt, gasping in horror. His concave stomach had the smallest bump at the bottom. This wasn’t right. He started counting his ribs, clawing at his collarbones, wrapping his hands around his arms and thighs. He grasped desperately at any bone he could get his hands on, rocking back and forth in a feeble attempt to calm himself. He knew what he had to do, and he hated that he had to do it. He knew he shouldn’t have had the whole bottle, as his stomach couldn’t exactly handle a quantity that great. 

Kurt could practically feel his stomach expanding, each individual calorie adding inch after inch onto his waistline and hips. He soon found himself in front of the toilet, fingers jammed down his throat. His hand felt wet, whether it was from tears or vomit, he didn’t know. He hated being like this. He hated having a panic attack over an eighty calorie Gatorade, he hated the feeling of the burning in his throat, or the choking sensation as everything came up. He hated purging, which is why he rarely did it. Purging, to him, wasn’t a way to lose weight, it was a punishment for losing control. He was sure that if anyone had been in the dorm, they would think he was crazy.  _ Kurt  _ was halfway convinced he was crazy.

The bathroom echoed with sobs and gagging noises, and when he eventually got it all up, he just stared for a second. He flushed the toilet and rested his head against the wall for a moment. He forced himself to stand up, making his way over to the sink. He began to scrub viciously at his hands, glaring at the scars on his knuckles. That could give him away if he wasn’t careful. After washing his hands three times, he leaned against the counter, looking at himself in the mirror with disgust. His eyes were bloodshot and watery, his face flushed as snot ran down his face. Hesitantly, he lifted his shirt again and looked, letting out a sigh of relief to see that it looked at least a little bit better than before, even if it was all in his imagination. He realized he might as well take a shower, since the water was already running to hide the noises of just how fucked up he really was. 

Kurt went and got his pajamas: baggy pants, a baggy shirt, and two sweaters. He made sure the door was locked and stripped down, stepping in the shower. He relaxed a bit under the flow of hot water before a thought clawed its way to the front of his mind.  _ Cold water burns more calories.  _ Kurt sighed, knowing what he had to do. He flipped the water to the coldest setting, wrapping his arms around himself as his trembling body was wracked with sobs. He hated being Kurt Hummel, he hated being the boy who couldn’t just eat a slice of pizza with his friends without crying for an hour in the bathroom and scrubbing his skin raw. 

After a few minutes, he realized that his pity party would do him no good and started actually washing off. He had to clear the drain a few times, considering how the amount of hair he lost in just one shower clogged the drain and caused the cold water to rise to the tops of his feet. The sight of the hair on the shower floor made him want to cry all over again, but he kept it together, eventually turning off the shower. He wrapped himself in a towel, shivering violently and breathing hot air onto his blue-tinged fingertips. He stood in front of the mirror yet again, pinching and pulling at everything he deemed imperfect for a few minutes before finally making his way to the scale. This was his least favorite part.

See, Kurt knew that the mirror could lie. He wasn’t stupid, he knew all about eating disorders and how they make your brain see you as fatter than you truly are (whether he believed it depended on the day), but the scale couldn’t lie to him. He couldn’t reassure himself and say that his brain just made him look bigger than he was, or that the mirror was funny. Numbers don’t lie. He set aside the towel and took the ring off of his finger, just to make sure it didn’t add any extra weight. After psyching himself up, Kurt Hummel stepped on the scale. He stood there rigidly as he watched the number shift for a moment, resisting the urge to move around and try to make the number smaller. Eventually, it settled on a number. 

_ 98.6  _ _lbs._

Kurt breathed a sigh of relief, glad it hadn’t gone up. However, a part of him was still disappointed, reminding himself that if he hadn’t had the Gatorade, coffee, and toast, the number could have been even lower. He weighed himself two more times just to be sure before putting the scale back in its hiding place. Kurt carefully slipped his ring back onto his finger and pulled on his nightclothes, ready to just sit in bed all day, as that was all he had the energy to do. That was all he ever had the energy to do anymore. 

Kurt took one last peek at his collarbones, feeling at them absentmindedly before heading toward his bed. He pulled out his laptop, going to an eating disorder website. Even if people found out about his eating disorder, or anything else, he hoped they never found out about this. In those cheesy lifetime movies, the girls always have an account on  [ www.skinnies-r-us.com ](http://www.skinnies-r-us.com) or some weird website like that. Visiting these websites made him feel incredibly invalid, like some sort of twelve year old on tumblr who wanted to lose a few pounds by “going anorexic for a day,” but hell if it didn’t motivate him to keep going. This was his secret shame. 

He logged onto one of the chatrooms, greeted by the other people online. Kurt spent a fair amount of time on these sites, so they knew him pretty well at this point. It was a relief to be able to rant about his day to these people. They understood, they wouldn’t judge him. When he finished typing out what all had happened that day, he waited for a response, leaning his head back and shutting his eyes for a moment until he heard a small ding, indicating that there were responses. He smiled, feeling a sense of relief as he talked to these people, who, in some ways, knew him better than anyone in real life. The responses he got that encouraged him to keep going with his weight loss, that he was  _ almost there _ made everything seem easier, lighter. He spent about an hour on the website, chatting with everyone else there before he heard voices in the hallway, quickly changing the tab. 

He looked up just as Nick, Blaine, and Jeff came into the dorm, laughing and shoving each other rambunctiously. Kurt offered a soft smile, looking up at them with a small wave. 

“Hello, boys, how was coffee?” he cleared his throat a bit, smiling a bit wider as he was met with a chorus of ‘good’s. He nodded. “I’m glad you’re having fun, but please just try and keep it down, I still have a bit of a headache,” he rubbed his temples to emphasize his point. 

The boys nodded, and Nick was the first one to speak up. “Sure, Kurt, did Smythe tire you out?” Kurt froze- how much did Sebastian tell them? Regardless, he forced a smile. 

“Don’t worry, he just let me take a nap when I could barely walk straight. It was very sweet, and now the two of us can go back to hating each other in peace,” he hummed. Jeff quickly piped up.

“Kurtie can’t do anything straight.” This, of course, earned an eye roll from the other three boys in the room, but Kurt couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Fair enough, Jeffery. Have fun… Doing whatever you’re about to do,” he laughed. They nodded, Jeff and Nick walking off hand and hand toward the common room after setting down their bags. Blaine, however, lingered a bit longer. Kurt raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes, Blaine?” Blaine frowned a bit, trying to hide how concerned he was about the boy, how concerned he had been for a while.

“What, can’t I spend time in my dorm with my favorite person?” he asked, emphasizing the word ‘favorite.’ Kurt smiled.

“Well of course you can, and your company is lovely, but something tells me that there was something you wanted to say,” he hummed, batting his lashes up at Blaine. Blaine paused, cursing the boy internally for being able to read him so well. He debated saying something, opening his mouth and then closing it as he realized he was probably worried over nothing. Instead, he walked over to the other boy.

“Nothing, just-” he pressed a gentle kiss to Kurt’s forehead, giving his shoulder a soft squeeze, “-get well soon.” Kurt felt his cheeks darkening as Blaine left, raising a hand to where his forehead tingled slightly from the contact of the other boy’s lips. He knew it probably didn’t mean anything; he and Jeff kissed each other on the cheek all the time! But he would be lying if he said it didn’t feel great. 

After he was sure everyone was gone, he opened the tab again and gushed about what had just happened, glad that at least something good had come out of this horrible day. His friends on the website, of course, congratulated him, but reminded him that he had to be skinnier if he wanted Blaine to be able to truly love him. He sighed and nodded, grateful that he had friends like this who could be so honest with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of this chapter? I see Kurt as a character that will try and seek validation due to his growing up gay in Ohio, as his sexuality was often made fun of or made to seem invalid, so he seeks out validation and a sense of community through these websites and forums. You can see some of his longing for a sense of community too when he is at Dalton and misses the how the New Directions felt like a family, and so I really think that these websites would become a way for Kurt to fuel his disorder and feel less alone.   
> I say this at the end of every chapter, but I mean it. Leave comments telling me what you think, I love to hear from you guys!  
> Should he end up with Blaine or Sebastian?
> 
> New chapter coming soon!  
> Cherie x


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian is very suspicious and Kurt goes home to Lima

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW, you know the drill

Sebastian stood there in shock for a minute as the boy practically ran out of his dorm. He didn’t know what it was, but something told him that Kurt was more than just ill. Something was up. He sat down on his bed, smiling softly as he noticed Kurt had made it for him. Sebastian thought about it. 

What was going on? Kurt was acting weird in the dining hall, cutting up his food into little bits. He freaked out and started crying when Sebastian took a piece of it, he nearly passed out, and he seemed almost scared of the food Sebastian had brought him. Not only that, but he was weirdly skinny, though it wasn’t noticeable unless you touched him- the layers hid it quite well. 

It hit Sebastian all at once, and he felt like crying. Kurt couldn’t be anorexic, could he? That could explain his refusal to go to the nurse… Sebastian realized he couldn’t exactly run in and force food down his throat; they weren’t exactly friends, and he could easily be wrong. What he could do though, is keep an eye on him, and if it got too bad, try and step in. He sighed, running a hand through his hair and picking up the packet of saltines. He turned it over in his hand for a moment before setting it back down, picking up his phone instead and texting a warbler to get Kurt’s number. After typing and retyping a text a few times, he eventually was satisfied with the message, which read:

“It’s Sebastian, I got your number from Trent. You probably don’t want me following you, but you can text me if you need anything else.”

Sebastian sent it, a bit uncomfortable with how the message made him sound like they were friends, but he was determined to keep an eye on the other boy. After a minute, he received a response, which simply read: 

“Alright, thank you.”

Sebastian would have preferred for Kurt to tell him exactly what was wrong, but he knew that was highly unlikely. He sighed, going over to his desk and googling symptoms of an eating disorder. He pulled out a sheet of paper, making a small checklist and looking through it. Purging? He looked it up and cringed, but made a small question mark next to it. He didn’t know Kurt well enough. Food obsession? Sebastian thought about this one for a minute. He didn’t really know what qualified as obsession, and again, didn’t know Kurt well enough to say. He put another question mark next to it and moved on to the next box. 

Changes in mood? Sebastian checked the box. Kurt hadn’t seemed as into their back-and-forth battles of wit or snarky commentary lately. He was sure there was more to it, but he could easily confirm this while keeping an eye on him. He moved on. Distorted body image. He hadn’t exactly heard Kurt call himself fat, but he didn’t often make an effort to talk to him. Another question mark. Excessive exercise? Again, Sebastian didn’t know. Denial of hunger and refusal to eat? Sebastian thought back to Kurt claiming he wasn’t hungry, or not wanting to eat the saltines and toast he brought. He checked the box. Engaging in food rituals? He checked that box too, thinking of the toast that had been cut into tiny pieces. Alcohol or drug abuse? Hummel wouldn’t. Would he? Sebastian didn’t want to think of that, just crossing out the sentence. Still, he would keep an eye on it. 

When he got to the last box, extreme weight loss, he didn’t even have to think about it. He checked the box and looked over the list. He only checked four boxes, so maybe he was worrying over nothing. He decided that for now, he would just keep an eye on him from afar. Sebastian folded up the list and put it in his wallet so that he could continue to fill it out. Once he figured it out, he could go back to hating the boy in peace.

___________________________________________________________

Kurt stared at his laptop for a moment longer before setting it aside, thinking back to the confusing message he had gotten from Sebastian. He had to be suspicious, that would be the only reason for him to be so nice. He realised that he had to be a lot more careful from now on, especially if he wanted to keep doing what he was doing. He was going back to Lima a bit later that day to spend the night at home, so he didn’t have to worry about pretending to eat dinner in front of Sebastian. His father, however, was a different story. 

Kurt loved his father more than anything, and knew his father loved him the same. The issue was that, because his father loved him so much, he could read him like a book. He had been pushing his father away a bit more as of late, and he hated every moment of it. He didn’t know how exactly he would hide it later today when they ate dinner together. Maybe he could see about helping Carol with dinner, and spending the following day with some of his friends from Mckinley. 

Yes, that’s exactly what he would do. He would get up earlier than everyone tomorrow so he could claim he ate breakfast, tell his dad that he was eating with his friends, and tell his friends he ate with his dad. He could leave just before dinner, and make it back to Dalton just in time for a few sticks of celery. That just left dinner that night. He started planning it, thinking of just how he could place his napkin in his lap to catch the food he dropped, how he could cut and rearrange the food on his plate to make it seem like he had eaten it, how he could spit what went into his mouth into a water bottle when no one was looking. He could do this. He was confident, and he just had to remain that way. He reluctantly got out of bed, realizing that he had to change back into normal clothes.

Kurt’s outfits didn’t have the same flair that they used to. Yes, the clothes were still stylish, but he opted out of the painted on jeans for things that didn’t hug his  curves fat. The clothes that he did wear hung off him awkwardly, and he felt as though the wind went right through them. He finally settled on a button up with several sweaters, and a baggier pair of trousers to hide just how bony he had actually gotten. 

After packing his bag and changing, taking more than a few seconds to grasp at his collarbones and ribcage, he slung it over his shoulder, steadying himself against the doorframe. In the disaster that was today, Kurt had completely forgotten that he was going back to Lima, checking his phone to see how far off Finn was. He scribbled a note to his roommates saying bye and waited for the text from Finn telling him that he was almost there.

Once he got a text from his step-brother telling him that he was close, Kurt left his dorm, walking down the stairs to the front of the school. He grasped the railing tightly and leaned against the front wall while he waited for Finn’s car to pull in. When it did, he smiled, seeing the freakishly tall boy exit the car. He walked over, waving at the boy, who gave him a hug. 

“What the hell, man?” asked Finn, a bit alarmed. Kurt looked worried at this, pulling back from the hug. Finn continued, “are they feeding you at that school? You’re like, super skinny!”

Kurt scoffed, though he felt warm inside. It was nice to hear that. He shook his head with a smile, it wasn’t hard to reassure Finn.

“Don’t worry, it’s just all the layers I’m wearing. I had a massive breakfast,” he laughed a bit, carefully placing his bag in the back of the car. Finn made a face.

“I don’t know how you do it. If I was around all that food all the time, I wouldn’t be able to control myself,” he hummed as they got in the car. Kurt sat up a bit straighter, overcome with pride. He had self control, reminding himself that he didn’t need to eat all the fatty food in the dining hall. 

“Portion control, Finn. Not everyone has your appetite,” he quipped playfully. They continued to joke around on the car ride back, taking Kurt’s mind off of his chaotic morning. He was starting to feel a bit better, excited to see everyone back at the house.

“So how is Rachel doing?” he asked, knowing that Finn was probably eager to talk about his girlfriend. Finn grinned, shaking his head.

“Gosh, you should have seen her the other day. She was talking about NYADA nonstop. I think she misses you. But she let me touch her boobs, so I guess-”

“Finn!” Kurt looked at him, appalled, “boundaries, oh my god!” Finn just laughed. 

“Kidding, I just wanted to see you freak out like that.” Kurt rolled his eyes in response. 

“I would punch you if you weren’t driving.” Finn paused, glancing over at him before smirking slightly.

“Speaking of inappropriate touching, how are you and Blaine doing?” Kurt went beet red, burying his face in his hands.

“Finn! We aren’t dating!”

“Aha! I knew it! You’re blushing!” Finn grinned wider, “I’m telling Burt!”

“You wouldn’t dare,” gasped Kurt, shaking his head quickly and looking up with a mortified expression on his face. Finn raised an eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t I? Besides, this just means I can blackmail you into making some more of those cookies. What were they called, the French ones?” Kurt couldn’t help but laugh, thinking about how Finn never stopped thinking about food. He wasn’t like that, if he was, he would be fat like Finn. 

Kurt’s smile immediately dropped. That was a horrible thing to think and he knew it, he felt like an awful brother and an awful person. He did his best to shake the thought away, clearing his throat and forcing a smile. He couldn’t believe that the thought had even crossed his mind, and he looked at his stepbrother with guilt in his eyes.

“...Langues de chat, Finn, I’ll make you as many as you want,” he mumbled, feeling awful. Finn, however, didn’t seem to notice in his excitement at the prospect of more cookies. 

“Yeah, those! I love those!” He glanced at Kurt for a moment before frowning, “woah, don’t look so sad! I promise I won’t actually tell Burt, that’s it, isn’t it? I was just joking,” Finn reassured him. Kurt nodded, plastering on a soft smile and uttering his thanks. That most definitely was not it. 

___________________________________________________

When they got home, Kurt grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder, knees buckling slightly at the weight. He felt a bit pathetic, considering how there wasn’t much in it and it still managed to drag him down. He exercised constantly, why wasn’t he stronger? He decided to think more about it later, following Finn inside. 

“Kurt, buddy! You’re home!” Burt beamed, jogging into the room to engulf Kurt in a great big bear hug. Kurt flinched a bit, but hugged back tightly. He had missed his dad a lot. 

Burt noticed how his son felt a bit skinnier, but didn’t comment on it, not knowing exactly how to approach the topic. His brows furrowed as he pulled back from the hug, holding Kurt’s shoulders and looking at him.

“So how are they treating you at that school of yours? You, uh- you eating alright?” he asked, unable to hide the worry seeping into his tone. Kurt, of course, had been expecting this, just nodding. 

“The food there is good, but I miss being able to cook my own dinner every night. Some of the things they serve do get old rather quickly,” he admitted with a slight laugh. This wasn’t entirely a lie, it just wasn’t the entire truth either. 

Before Burt could respond, Carole came in, smiling widely. She practically shoved her husband out of the way to get a good look at the boy, holding him at arm’s length by the shoulders as Burt had. 

“My goodness, Kurt, you’re so thin! We’ll have to fix that this weekend, won’t we?” She pulled him into a motherly embrace, which Kurt felt himself relaxing into with a smile. He felt a bit of fear at her words, but reminded himself that he could do this; he was in control. 

Carol pressed a kiss to his forehead, offering him a tender smile. “I missed you, kid,” she said gently. Kurt smiled wider in response to this, kissing her cheek quickly.

“I missed you too, Carole. You’ll have to fill me in on all of the fashion atrocities my Dad and Finn committed while I was gone,” he joked. Carole laughed at this, nodding. 

“Sounds good. Why don’t you come in here and see what I’m cooking for dinner? You’re sort of the master chef in this house,” she hummed, leading him into the kitchen by his hand. Kurt relaxed a bit at this, glad that he at least knew what to prepare for. 

Carole opened the lid to a pot of a simmering sauce that made Kurt want to vomit. Fettuccine Alfredo was about as calorie heavy as you could get, and warning bells went off in his mind. This would be a lot harder than he thought, as he couldn’t really eat more than a bite. He offered Carole a queasy smile, which went unnoticed as she spoke.

“I found the recipe online, doesn’t it look good? Here, why don’t you try the sauce?” Carole grabbed a spoon and carefully scooped a bit out. He watched the sauce spill over the edges, taunting him ruthlessly. Kurt’s heart pounded out of his chest, and he was sure Carole could hear it by now. He felt like he was going to cry, and Carole was looking at him expectantly, holding the spoon towards him. Kurt took a deep breath, willing himself to act like a normal fucking person for once as he shakily took the spoon.

Kurt noticed Carole’s eyes never leaving him as he took a small bite, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He felt like he was dying, but he had to smile, he had to nod and act like everything was fine. Kurt’s stomach flipped dangerously, anticipating more food. He pressed one arm against it to muffle the growl, telling Carole how amazing it was, how he couldn’t wait to eat it. 

When Carole wasn’t looking, he quickly poured what was left of the spoonful back into the pot and rinsed the spoon, excusing himself to his room. The second he got up there, he practically threw himself against his door, gasping desperately for air and burying his face in his hands.  _ Howmanycalorieswasinthathowmanycalorieswasinthathowmanycalories-  _ Kurt combed his trembling hands through his hair, quickly standing up to throw away the strands that fell out with it. He resorted to pacing back and forth across his room at a rapid pace ( _ onetwothreefourfivesixseven _ ) in a feeble attempt to burn off the small bite of whatever mixture of cream and spices he had just consumed. 

After about twenty minutes of alternation between rapid pacing and sit-ups, he sat back down on his bed, opening his messages and texting a few friends that he was back in town. Kurt waited about ten seconds before getting impatient and throwing his phone down next to him. He checked the mirror to make sure he didn’t look like he felt, and then went back downstairs, sitting next to his dad on the couch while he watched some sort of football game.

About an hour later, Carole called in from the dining room and Kurt’s heart dropped.

“Dinner’s ready!”

_ showtime. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to update every other day, so this way I am more consistent.  
> What did you think of this chapter? Please let me know, I love to hear from you!  
> Cherie x


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more moments between Finn and Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Trigger Warning this chapter! This one was hard to write.

Kurt did his best not to drag his feet as he walked into the dining room. He sat down, heart racing as he dished out a very small amount of food. He was grateful no one seemed to notice, setting out his napkin on his lap in order to catch any food he dropped into it. He opened the cap to his waterbottle shakily, looking up to notice all eyes on him. He pushed the food around his plate, trying to figure out how to get their eyes off of him. Finally, he took a small bite, which seemed to appease his family. They went back to their own plates, and Kurt spat it into the water bottle as discreetly as possible before he continued to push the food around his plate, occasionally dropping a bit into the napkin in his lap. 

Eventually, Kurt was satisfied; it looked like he had eaten. He set his fork down on his plate at an angle, bunching up his napkin before noticing Finn looking at the food on his plate hungrily. He smiled, scraping it onto the boy’s plate and standing up to take his plate and napkin. Once he got to the kitchen, he sighed, feeling quite proud of himself. He felt the food calling him, but was able to resist. 

Kurt, wanting to make himself helpful, began to do the dishes, sipping at his glass of water to appease his growling stomach. After finishing, he lifted himself to sit on the counter, wincing slightly at the feeling of his bones pressing against the granite. He decided against it and hopped back down, head spinning. He settled on leaning against the counter for a moment to catch his balance before going back up to his room. He got changed into something more suitable for exercise, pulling a sweater over it to hide how his elbows stuck out. He trotted downstairs, calling out to his family. 

“I’m going for a walk, I’ll be back later,” he called, shutting the front door before they could respond. Once he got out of view of the house, he picked up the pace, beginning to run. 

As he ran for longer, black spots danced dangerously in his vision. He knew he should stop, but he couldn’t, not yet. Instead, Kurt just went faster, eventually finding himself in front of McKinley high. He knew that football practice was in session, but he wanted to use the track. Maybe, if he was lucky, he’d get beat up badly enough to where they broke his jaw and he couldn’t eat solid food. He quickly shook the thought away, realizing how fucked up that was. Regardless, it didn’t seem that bad.

He went out back to the track, seeing the football players and cheerios in the distance. He figured that there was enough space and used the track to run, not taking into account that some of his friends could also be there. 

Luckily, he wasn’t spotted, heading back home after an hour. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. His head was pounding, and his entire body felt hot. He took a few steps before hunching over the trash can, the two bites he had eaten making an appearance. Kurt dry heaved for a few more minutes into the trashcan before wiping his mouth bitterly, panting and trying to walk in a straight line. He somehow made his way back home without fainting, unable to think about anything but food. 

When he got home, he knew his parents were in bed, and Finn was playing video games in his room. He tried to go to his room as well, but he felt like he was being pulled to the kitchen, not completely in control of his body. Kurt’s hands were opening the cupboard, and pulling out the bread. One slice couldn’t hurt, could it? Alarm bells were sounding in his mind, and he tried to resist, but his hands were shoving the bread into his mouth of their own accord as tears streamed down his face. He felt like he couldn’t stop. He must be quite a sight, sitting on the floor shoving bread into his face while sobbing. By now he must have eaten half the bag, if not the whole thing. 

Kurt was shoving the last slice into his mouth as Finn came in, looking both alarmed and confused. 

“Woah, dude, what are you doing? Are you okay?” he asked, running over and kneeling next to him. Kurt weakly pushed him off, feeling incredibly ashamed of himself. He nodded, forcing himself to swallow the  calories food and not looking at the boy. He angrily wiped his eyes, standing up as he was overwhelmed by another wave of nausea. He shoved past Finn a bit harder than he had meant to, which still probably hurt him more than it hurt Finn, who was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. 

Finn, wanting to make him feel better, decided to speak up. 

“I’m at least glad you’re eating, you’re already starting to look less scrawny,” he tried to reassure. This, evidently, was just about the worst thing he could say, as Kurt looked alarmed before bursting into another round of tears. By then, he was sobbing, running his shaky hands through his hair.

“Just leave me alone, Finn!” He said this a bit more aggressively than he meant to, but he didn’t care at this point, just wanting to go to his room before his stomach rejected the food. He started up the stairs, but Finn grabbed his arm. 

“Come on, man, you can’t just leave like this. Kurt! At least tell me what’s wrong,” he tried. 

“It’s none of your business, Finn, I told you to leave me alone,” Kurt snapped, whipping his head around. Unfortunately, the sudden motion was too much for him, and his stomach flipped threateningly. Kurt’s hand shot up to cover his mouth as he sped up the stairs to the bathroom, Finn on his heels. 

He found himself kneeling on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, stomach rejecting the bread he had eaten- not of his own accord. Finn rubbed his back in a way that he assumed was supposed to be comforting, but he just found it humiliating. Kurt was humiliated. This was not only incredibly painful, but his brother was just sitting there, watching him as he puked his guts up while tears streamed down his face. When he finally finished, Finn didn’t move his hand. Kurt was struck with the alarming realization that it wasn’t all gone. 

“Finn,” he said, voice deathly calm, “I need you to leave, and shut the door behind you.” Finn was a bit frightened at how calm he seemed, and he certainly wasn’t going to leave after that display.

“What? No, I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong!” he exclaimed. Kurt sighed, looking up at him with anger in his eyes. 

“I told you to leave! Why can’t you just leave?!”

“Because I care about you, Kurt, I’m worried! I’m not leaving!” 

Kurt tensed, looking at Finn for a moment longer. His voice was scarily calm, and Finn felt a bit frightened at the look in his eyes. 

“Don’t tell, promise,” he whispered.

“I promise, wh-” Kurt leaned over the toilet, aggressively shoving his fingers down his throat as Finn watched. Finn was terrified, looking at him and trying to pull him away.

“Kurt, Kurt stop! What are you doing?! Stop!” Finn felt as though he was about to cry as he watched his brother do this to himself. He wished he hadn’t asked, because he most certainly hadn’t been prepared for the answer.

Kurt had never hated himself more than he did in that moment, his fingers halfway down his throat as he sobbed while his brother pleaded with him to stop. When he finally finished, he calmly removed his fingers, ignoring Finn, who was looking at him with hurt in his eyes, asking why. He flushed the toilet and walked calmly to the sink, washing his hands and rinsing out his mouth with mouthwash. Finn repeated himself, voice much weaker than before.

“Kurt, why would you do that…?” Kurt looked directly at him, looking extraordinarily calm despite the teartracks staining his face. 

“Remember, you said you wouldn’t tell,” he replied before reaching out, opening the door with trembling hands and leaving the room. Finn was struck with the sobering realization that he was right, and this time, he didn’t follow. 

_______________________________________________

Kurt made his way to his room, leaving Finn in the bathroom. He didn’t think he had ever been more disgusted with himself. He was confident that Finn wouldn’t tell anyone, but Finn knowing was bad enough. Despite how upset he was, he did feel at least a bit lighter, now it wasn’t a complete secret. 

Finn walked to his room in a state of shock. He logged off his computer, giving some halfhearted excuse. As much as he wanted to barge into Kurt’s room and force him to get help, he knew he couldn’t. He had noticed that Kurt was a bit skinnier, but he hadn’t realized how bad it actually was. He wanted to give Kurt a little bit of space, and whether that was for him or for Kurt, he didn’t know. He had promised he wouldn’t say anything to anyone, so he couldn’t run and tell Burt. Besides, he wasn’t sure how he would approach the issue if he did:  _ Hey, I just watched your kid shove his fingers down his throat. But don’t worry, he said he’s fine! _ He could imagine how well that would go over. He resolved to just keep a closer eye on Kurt, maybe he could figure out why on earth he would do that to himself. 

Kurt was in his room, laying on his laptop and telling his friends online about everything that had just happened. He decided he would take their advice whenever Finn confronted him about it: Deflect, deflect, deflect. He figured that Finn wouldn’t want to talk to him until the next morning, if he ever wanted to talk to him again, so he locked his door and quickly stripped down, pulling his scale out from his hiding place under the bed. 

_ 99.1 lbs _

Kurt felt as though he could cry. How on earth did he gain weight? He had gotten rid of everything! He couldn’t help but curse, scratching at his thigh slightly for some sort of relief. He realized that there was no way he could sleep after this, as the numbers would just be dancing around his head all night. So, he resigned to laying on the ground, doing various exercises until he couldn’t feel the rest of his body. This, of course, didn’t take very long, considering he was exhausted and already felt horrible about himself. He was supposed to be in control, and tonight, he lost it. 

Kurt dragged himself off of the floor and into the shower. He had to hold onto the shower door just to keep himself upright. He would have preferred to just lay in bed all night, but he was covered in sweat and tears, and felt absolutely disgusting. This was his second shower of the day, and he thought to himself about how the water must be destroying his skin, as if starvation didn’t do that. When he got out, he put on his baggy nightclothes and a sweater. He dried his hair and threw away what fell out before walking to the kitchen to get some water. He tried to be as quiet as possible, but Finn must have heard him, as when he got into his room, Finn knocked on the door. 

Kurt sighed, not wanting to deal with the confrontation. 

“I’m fine, Finn,” he called. Finn, who knew he was lying, decided to come in anyways. Kurt stood up, balancing himself on the table and looking at the heartbroken Finn. 

“You have to tell Burt,” was all he said, looking at Kurt. Kurt shook his head, forcing a smile.

“I promise you, Finn, I’m fine. I have everything under control!” Kurt was doing his best not to lash out, as he knew Finn was just trying to help. He just didn’t understand how Finn couldn’t grasp the fact that he didn’t need help.

“Take off your sweater,” demanded Finn, crossing his arms. Kurt tensed, shaking his head quickly.

“I’m fine, Finn, really! I don’t need to do that.”

“If you’re fine, then prove it. Take off your sweater,” Finn wasn’t going to let this go. “If you don’t take off your sweater, then I’ll get Burt. Kurt’s eyes widened, and he shook his head quickly. His dad wouldn’t understand, and he didn’t want to worry him. Seeing his kid like this was bound to give him a second heart attack. He teared up, muttering something under his breath and not looking up at Finn. 

He took off his sweater and set it on the bed, revealing just how thin he had gotten. His collarbones jutted out dangerously, his arms looking as if they could snap at the lightest touch. You could see nearly every bone in his body, and Finn didn’t want to imagine what he looked like shirtless. Looking at Kurt, he realized how skeletal his brother looked. His cheeks were sunken in, bags prominent under his eyes. Not only that, but he looked sad. Finn couldn’t help but tear up, bringing one hand to his mouth in shock.

“Kurt… Please, don’t you see yourself? You need help,” he whispered, unable to tear his eyes away. Kurt shook his head rapidly, though he was unable to look at the boy. “You’re killing yourself, man, and it’s killing me! Don’t you want to get better?”

This was what did it for Kurt, and he looked like he would start crying all over again- he had done a lot of that lately. He didn’t, opting instead to lash out, maybe if he got angry enough, Finn would stop caring. 

“God, Finn! Don’t you get it? I don’t  _ want _ to get better! I like being like this! And honestly, it’s none of your goddamn business! If you could just butt out, both of our lives would be a whole lot easier!” Kurt’s bony fingers were clenched into fists, and Finn just looked at him in pity. 

“I can’t do that, Kurt. You’re sick, and I won’t tell anyone, but I’m worried about you.” Kurt relaxed slightly at this, looking defeated. He pulled his sweater back on to hide his bony figure, and Finn came closer. “I’m going to hug you now, and I’m not taking no for an answer, because you obviously need it.” Finn brought the boy into a hug, holding him as if he feared him breaking (he did). Kurt tensed, but reluctantly hugged back after a minute. He hated lying to his family. He did want to get better, more than anything! But he couldn’t. 

Finn, almost reading his mind, just shushed him gently, ruffling his hair and wincing as he noticed a few strands coming out into his hands. He looked at Kurt with sad eyes, and that was all it took for him to break down, sobbing into his brother’s chest. He hated being like this, every moment of it. He couldn’t remember when it had gotten so bad, and he would always tell himself he was in control, but a part of him knew that he wasn’t, he had never been more out of control. 

Finn shushed him gently, just letting him get it all out. He tried to hide the fact, but truth be told, both boys were crying. He guided Kurt to sit on the bed, not letting go, and by the time he had calmed down, Kurt was asleep. He sighed, laying the boy down on the bed and wiping his eyes. Truth be told, he had no clue what to do. He looked at his brother a moment longer before lifting up his shirt a bit- he did not like what he saw. Finn didn’t know what he had been expecting, but he could have counted his ribs. Kurt’s skin looked like a macabre sort of plastic wrap, and it scared him. Finn soon decided that this was an invasion of privacy and carefully tucked him in, pressing a brotherly kiss to his forehead and turning off the lights. He didn’t want to leave him alone, so he brought in a few blankets from his room and set them up next to Kurt’s bed. 

After everything that had happened, he didn’t want to leave the boy alone. He laid on the floor next to Kurt’s bed, mind racing a mile a minute before he finally fell asleep. There was one thing he knew for certain: everything was  _ not  _ going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let Me know what you thought! Please leave comments, I live off of them!   
> Cherie x


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt goes out with some friends from McKinley!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am exhausted, it is three am. I will probably edit this tomorrow, so forgive any mistakes, lol.

The next morning, Kurt woke up to see Finn sleeping on the floor next to his bed. He smiled softly, almost touched until he remembered the events of the previous night. His heart dropped. He took a few deep breaths to keep himself from panicking before getting up as quietly as possible and getting dressed. He had gotten a text from Mercedes, Rachel, and Santana offering to go shopping. He agreed, if not for the shopping, to see Rachel and Santana at each other’s throats. He did his best to forget everything that had happened the night before, going downstairs to make some of the French cookies his brother liked so much before he went on his morning run. 

Kurt loved to bake. He, of course, saw the irony in it, considering how scared he was to eat, but it was the truth. He supposed it gave him some sort of sense of control; it allowed him to touch and be around food without actually eating it. He felt a sense of relief as he mixed the dough and shaped it on the sheet pans. Baking gave him a sense of normalcy, he didn’t have to be the kid who couldn’t eat a potato chip without crying, he could pretend he was a normal teenager. When Kurt baked, he liked to pretend that he was going to eat it later. While the thought instilled some sort of fear, he also knew it wasn’t true. Pretending he would eat it made him feel normal though, and he supposed that was all he really wanted. 

Kurt paced back and forth while the cookies baked, counting his steps in a sort of trance. The smell of the cookies, however, woke Finn, and he came downstairs right as he was pulling them out of the oven. If Kurt had it his way, he would avoid the boy like the plague, but he knew he couldn’t do that, so he settled for shooting him a weak smile and mumbling a “morning” to him. Finn blearily rubbed his eyes, but seemed to wake up fairly quickly upon seeing the cookies. His smile soon faded as he remembered what went down the night before, and he just gave Kurt another hug. Kurt tensed, but hugged back, praying that the boy didn’t press him to talk about it anymore. Luckily, he didn’t. Finn just looked at him a bit sadly. 

“I love you man, really. You’re my brother, and if you need anything, I want you to tell me, got it?” Kurt smiled, nodding softly. 

“Got it, thanks, Finn,” he hummed. “I’m going to go on a walk while these cool, but I’ll see you after.” Finn, to be completely honest, was scared to leave him alone. He paused, looking his brother up and down. 

“Can I come?” Kurt really did not want to bring his brother with him, and realized the only way to make him not want to come was by being honest.

“Only if you’re okay with running,” he replied. He knew that Finn hated running, and had been counting on him saying no. Finn, however, was not going to let him get off so easily. 

“I can deal. Let me get changed,” he went upstairs. Kurt hadn’t been expecting this, and was debating just leaving while he changed. He ultimately decided that this would be cruel, judging by how supportive the boy had been the night before. He realized that he had no choice but to take Finn with him. Kurt sighed a bit, lacing up his tennis shoes and filling his water bottle. 

When Finn got downstairs, he couldn’t help but frown as he led him out the door. Kurt paused before speaking up. 

“We’re going to the track down at Mckinley. If you need to stop at any point, just let me know,” he said softly before taking off. Finn nodded, following him. He got tired rather quickly, but did his best to power through it until they got to the school. When they reached the track, Finn made his way to the bleachers, practically collapsing onto them. Kurt, however, began to run on the track, checking the time. The sun was just beginning to rise, and he put in his earbuds. While he would never admit it to anyone, he liked to listen to the most triggering music possible when he ran. He supposed it motivated him, even if it made him feel worse later on. 

About half an hour later, Finn was still on the bleachers, watching Kurt with a worried eye. By the time Kurt finished, he could barely walk in a straight line. He stumbled a bit, making a beeline for his water bottle and chugging at least half of it. Finn jumped up in alarm, running to his side. 

“Are you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance?” Kurt glared slightly, shaking his head and turning to him.

“I’m fine, Finn! I don’t need a babysitter,” he said this a bit harsher than he meant to, but he wasn't about to apologize, because he meant what he said. Finn recoiled, but nodded. “Come on, Finn, let’s just go home. I have to get ready.”

They walked home in silence, Finn dragging his feet a bit. Kurt was struggling a bit to walk, feeling faint, but refusing the help from Finn. When they got home, he made a cup of coffee and drank it quickly to calm his shaking before heading up to the shower. Finn stopped him.

“Dude, seriously. Are you okay?” Kurt forced a smile, nodding.

“Fine.”

This time, Finn let him go, and he took his shower. After getting out, he changed into a pair of his old jeans- he didn’t remember them being this baggy- and a button up. He carefully layered his sweaters and styled his hair before going back downstairs to make breakfast. Once he finished cooking, he dirtied up a plate to make it look like he had eaten and set it in the sink. Kurt called out to Finn. 

“I’m going to meet some friends at the mall, I’ll see you later!” Finn frowned.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I did eat, didn’t you see my plate in the sink?” Finn’s eyebrows knitted together. 

“You mean the plate that you put crumbs on?” He scoffed, “how- how can you just lie to everyone like that? Especially to Burt! He trusts you, you know that? He talks about you like, all the time. And now you’re lying like this?” This made Kurt far angrier than it should have.

“Listen, Finn. You don’t know anything. You don’t know what’s going on, and frankly, it’s none of your business. It’s none of anyone’s business! Besides, it’s better this way. You shouldn’t have found out, so why don’t you just go back to your daily state of ignorance instead of looking over my shoulder constantly?!” he was yelling at this point, face flushed. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this mad, though he had been a lot quicker to anger lately. Finn looked a bit hurt, and the yelling caused both Burt and Carole to rush in. 

“Woah! What’s going on here?” asked Burt, more concerned than anything. Kurt never yelled like this. 

“Tell him, Kurt,” said Finn, crossing his arms. This just made Burt even more confused, as Kurt looked like a deer in headlights. 

“Tell me what?” This seemed to cause Kurt to snap back to reality, as he plastered on another smile.

“Nothing, dad. There’s nothing to tell,” he reassured his father, “I’m going out with some friends, I’ll be back tonight to say bye.” Finn scoffed, and Carole looked between the two in bewilderment. Before he could be questioned further, Kurt walked out the door, getting in his car and driving off. 

After Kurt left, Finn didn’t trust himself not to blurt something out. He looked at Burt a bit sadly before walking off, leaving the two adults more confused than before. Finally, Burt spoke up.

“I’m really worried about Kurt. He’s been closed off lately, moody. He seems sad, and maybe it’s just me, but I feel like he’s gotten skinnier. He’s always been a petite kid, but this seems different,” admitted Burt, looking at his wife.

Carole nodded in understanding, sighing softly before speaking up.

“No, I definitely agree. He’s never yelled at Finn like that, and he barely ate last night. After dinner, he went straight to his room and barely came out until I went to bed,” she replied, shaking her head. “I mean, he may just be stressed about school? I know that Dalton gives a lot of work. He’s a smart kid, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get stressed.” Burt shook his head.

“No, this seems different. He seems… Depressed. Finn obviously knows something, but I doubt he’d betray Kurt like that. I know how boys are. What is it, uh- snitches get stitches,” he chuckled, “Maybe we could talk to him after Kurt leaves for Dalton again? I’ve never seen him like this, and I know Kurt. Schoolwork alone wouldn’t do this to him.”

Carole was a bit touched by just how well Burt knew his son and nodded. 

“Of course. In the meantime, we just have to wait. We can keep an eye on him and see what happens from there, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.”

______________________________________

Kurt drove up to Mercedes’ house. They had plans to hang out for a bit before picking up Santana from Cheerios practice and meeting Rachel at the mall. While he loved the other girls dearly, Mercedes was his best friend, and he wanted some one-on-one time with her to catch up on the latest gossip. He pulled up, checking the thermostat quickly. He was freezing, which was a bit weird, considering how it wasn’t that cold outside. He shrugged it off, adjusting his sweater and walking to knock on the door. 

Kurt had barely finished knocking when the door swung open and he was swept into a tight hug. He grinned, hugging the girl back tightly.

“Damn, white boy!” she remarked, “you got even bonier!” Kurt smiled and laughed, knowing that she meant it playfully, but still feeling strangely validated by the comment. 

“What can I say? Dalton has healthier food than McKinley did,” he shrugged, kissing her cheek as they finally pulled back from the hug. “So what all have I missed?”

Mercedes led Kurt to her room as they spent the next hour or so catching up on the latest gossip from both schools. He had missed Mercedes, talking with her reminded him of his old life, before he felt the need to count every calorie that passed his lips. It was a bittersweet sort of nostalgia, but he cherished every moment of it. By the time they checked the clock again, it was time to pick up Santana from Cheerios practice. 

They clambered into his car, giggling over some joke made by one of them. Their commentary was so quick that it was sometimes hard to pick up on what was going on unless you were a part of it. Kurt drove to Mckinley and they waited on the bleachers. Brittany became very excited upon seeing him, and he shot her a wave and a wink. They watched the rest of practice, and when it let out, engaged in idle conversation with a few of the Cheerios. He gave Brittany and Quinn hugs as they were on their way to the dressing room. Sue eventually made her way over, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow. 

“Porcelain! How’s life been since you packed your bags and hitched the nearest ride to Dalton Academy in Gaytown USA?” Kurt chuckled, knowing that this was her way of being friendly. He offered a gentle smile, holding onto the railing of the bleachers.

“Good! I’m definitely being challenged a lot more, and their anti-bullying policy is a lot better. I feel like I’m finally free to be myself at Dalton,” he admitted. Sue shook her head.

“Yeah, you know, I’m sure it’s much easier to starve yourself when you don’t have drinks tossed in your face. With the way you’re going, you may as well just slit your wrists. It’s a lot quicker, and far less painful. See ya, Porcelain,” she walked off, ruffling his hair on the way inside and shaking away the strands that fell out. 

Kurt was quite pale, letting out a nervous laugh. Mercedes, however, was more than confused. 

“Kurt? What is she talking about?” Kurt shook his head, feeling considerably less confident.

“Oh, you know, just Sue being Sue,” he shrugged, shocked at how quickly she had figured him out. He could tell Mercedes wanted to press more on the topic, but was quite grateful when she decided to let it go. 

When Santana came out of the dressing room, he grinned, greeting her.

“Satan,” he offered with a nod. She smirked a bit.

“Lady Hummel,” she returned. Mercedes rolled her eyes at their banter, though was clearly amused. 

“Y’all are ridiculous. Now come on, I need to get my shop on,” she laughed. 

“Agreed,” replied Kurt enthusiastically, linking their arms as they began walking toward the parking lot. Before they got into the car, they noticed Coach Sylvester jogging towards them.

“Now wait a minute. I’d like to speak to Porcelain alone for a second. Sandbags, Arethra, would you mind?” Kurt looked at the other two girls, nodding as if to signal that it was okay for them to wait in the car. They climbed in as Sue placed her hand on Kurt’s back, guiding him a bit away. 

Kurt’s heart sped up considerably, and he frowned. 

“Coach? What’s this about?” Coach Sylvester shook her head.

“You know what this is about. I want you to know that what you’re doing is seriously dangerous. You know that, don’t you? I’m a cheer coach, I’ve seen this before, I’ve seen people die doing what you’re doing. I know that what I’m saying won’t knock some sense into you, but whenever you’re ready to get some help, just call me,” she said, tucking a slip of paper into his pocket. She walked off, leaving Kurt standing there dumbfounded. 

He eventually gathered his wits and walked back to the car, a bit confused. Once he climbed into the driver’s seat, he was immediately bombarded with questions asking him what that was about. 

“You know, she was just telling me that if I came back to McKinley, I would have a spot on the Cheerios,” he shrugged. Before they could ask any further questions, he turned on the radio, putting on his Lady Gaga playlist for them to all sing along to.

When they pulled up to the mall and turned off the music, he turned around, looking at the other two girls in the car. 

“Listen very carefully, no killing Rachel. I know she can be annoying, but her clothes are horrendous and makeovers are like crack to me. If you don’t murder her, I’ll buy everyone coffee. Do we have a deal?”

Mercedes nodded, but Santana had to take a moment to contemplate whether it was really worth it. Eventually, she nodded. 

“Fine, but I make no promises. If this bitch tries me, I will do what I need to do,” she grumbled. Kurt smiled, knowing that was the best he was going to get out of her. 

“Ready? Let’s go,” he hummed as they got out of the car and walked into the mall.

As they walked in, Kurt pulled out his phone and groaned.

“Guys, I just got a text from Rachel. She said she can’t come because she was hit with sudden inspiration for her next solo at regionals,” he rolled his eyes and smiled. “Her words, not mine.” Mercedes and Santana reciprocated his eye roll as they looked around for the first store to go into. They walked in, arms linked as they began looking at clothes. Kurt unlinked their arms and bumbled around the store, picking out various items of clothing for the both of them at lightning speed.

When the other two girls had an armful of clothing, he smiled. 

“Alright, try-on time,” he cried excitedly, clasping his hands together and nodding towards the dressing rooms. Kurt waited outside the dressing rooms, judging each outfit they tried on until they had separated all of the clothing into what they would and wouldn’t buy. As they walked to the checkout, Mercedes looked at him.

“Kurt, aren’t you going to buy anything?” he shook his head. 

“I don’t need any new clothes,” Kurt shrugged. They both looked at him incredulously, as that was incredibly out of character.

“Come on, Lady Hummel, at least let us pick one outfit for you? One of my outfits and I guarantee Anderson will lose his mind,” quipped Santana. Kurt laughed, reluctantly nodding. 

“Fine, but I reserve the right to say no!” he gave in. 

“Yes! He’s a medium, by the way-” reminded Mercedes. Kurt cringed a bit. He hadn’t thought of the size issue, as he had to have gone down a size by now. 

He had obviously spaced out, as Mercedes and Santana guided him to a dressing room and sat him down. 

“Okay, now wait here while we work our magic!” Mercedes smiled, and they soon came back with three different outfits. He looked over them.

“No, no, and maybe. I’ll try on the last one, but the other two… Seriously?” Kurt laughed a bit, taking the one outfit he deemed acceptable and shutting them out of the dressing room.

He tried on the outfit, which hung off of him awkwardly. Kurt couldn’t help but frown, calling through the door. 

“This is massive, can you get me a smaller size, please?” he asked, a bit embarrassed. 

“Small or extra-small?” asked Mercedes, not thinking anything of it. Santana, however, was a bit suspicious.

“Can you just grab both?” Kurt admired his collarbones for a moment. When Mercedes left, Santana slipped into the dressing room. She leaned against the door, crossing her arms as he panicked and tried to hide his bony figure. She didn’t look too surprised. 

“I knew it,” was all she said, confusing Kurt quite a bit. “Frankenteen might be an idiot, but I’m not. I’ve been through this, and it is possible to recover, you know.” Santana’s voice was a bit softer than normal, and she looked a bit sad. “You must be terrified… I don’t do this very often, so don’t tell anyone about this.” She pulled him in for a hug, sighing softly into it. “I care about you, please take care of yourself,” Santana whispered. She pulled away before leaving the dressing room. 

Once she left, Kurt started crying as softly as he could, muffling his sobs into the heel of his hand. When he heard Mercedes return, he quickly composed himself, wiping his eyes. 

“Alright, try these on,” she called, handing him the clothes under the door. He shakily thanked her and pulled on the clothes, realizing the extra small fit best. He took a few more seconds until it looked like he hadn’t been crying and stepped out. He forced a smile, doing his best to hide how insecure he felt. 

“How do I look?” he asked. Mercedes was quiet for a moment before piping up. 

“Damn, Kurt, what do they feed you at that fancy school of yours? I thought you dropped that peeled celery diet,” she joked, though her voice was laced with concern. Kurt had already prepared his lie.

“Oh, I’m just getting over an illness, I barely ate anything last week, I was so sick,” he explained. He hated how easily the lie slipped off his tongue. Kurt, looking in the mirror, felt good about himself. That didn’t happen very often. Santana could see this and offered an encouraging smile. She spoke up.

“You look hot. You should buy it!” Kurt smiled, turning and looking in the mirror from different angles.

“Yeah… I think I will,” he hummed, stepping back into the dressing room and changing into normal clothing. They walked to the register, Santana giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as she gossiped with Mercedes about the newest relationship drama in the New Directions. After they had paid, Mercedes spoke up.

“I don’t know about you guys, but after all of this shopping, I’m starving! Why don’t we get something to eat?” Kurt tensed, but forced a smile and nodded. 

“Yeah, sure! I had a massive breakfast though, so I may just get an appetizer.” He pretended to think for a moment before acting like a thought had just occurred to him. “We should go to Davy’s Diner!” 

Truthfully, Kurt had carefully budgeted his calories around this. He had picked out the restaurant with the lowest calorie dish he could get without arousing suspicion, and planned out his day so that he could be under his limit. Santana didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, so she nodded. 

“That sounds great. What do you think, ‘Cedes?” Mercedes nodded, and Kurt’s face lit up. 

“Awesome, let’s go! I’ll race you there,” he beamed, and they immediately took off, giggling. About halfway there, Kurt’s vision blurred, and he was overcome by a wave of dizziness and nausea. He stumbled over to a wall, leaning against it and pressing a hand to his temple. Mercedes and Santana rushed over, quite concerned.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“You don’t look so good,” said Mercedes softly. Kurt frowned, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just give me a second,” he breathed out. After he felt at least a little better, he opened his eyes. Kurt offered a weak smile and looked at them. 

“Why don’t we just walk the rest of the way, yeah?” The girls looked worried, but just nodded, letting it go as they walked the rest of the way to the diner. They stood on either side of Kurt, elbows linked with his in case he fainted. When they got there, they carefully sat him down. 

“So what was that about?” asked Mercedes. Santana looked at him with a raised eyebrow, curious as to how he would respond. Kurt’s mind buzzed for a second before he spoke up.

“Iron deficiency anemia. It happens sometimes,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his water. Santana snorted slightly, but her face quickly sobered once she realized. 

“Sorry, ignore me,” she said. Kurt shot her an icy glare.

“Anyway, Mercedes, how is it going with Shane?” They continued to gossip until their food came. Kurt stared at his a bit fearfully, but he needed to do this. He needed to prove to himself that he could still eat. He had just gotten a salad without dressing and a piece of bread, but it seemed quite daunting now that he was looking at it. He shakily picked up his fork and knife and started dividing the food on his plate and eating it one bite at a time. Had his jaw always been this heavy? And why did it feel so hard to swallow all of a sudden. He began chewing, unable to stop himself from counting in his brain ( _ onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenonetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten-)  _ he chewed each bite thirty times before swallowing; a multiple of both three and ten. The way he ate was rather choppy and robotic, which didn’t go unnoticed by Santana and Mercedes. Santana was proud of him for eating, but Mercedes was just confused as to why her best friend was acting so strange.

“You good, Kurt?” she asked. Kurt flinched a bit, looking up at her and realizing just how tightly he was gripping his fork. 

“Oh- uh, yeah…” he mumbled. Santana gave Mercedes a look as if to tell her to leave it alone, and she obliged. The cheerio nodded to Kurt’s plate, and he gulped, continuing to eat his food. After he had eaten one third of the salad, he decided he was done and moved onto the bread. He cut it into thirty small pieces, chewing each piece ten times and taking a sip of water in between every three pieces. He managed to eat the entire slice of bread. He wanted to eat the rest of the salad, but couldn’t bring himself to do it, hating himself for being like this. 

Kurt set down his fork and knife on his plate at an angle, carefully adjusting them. He dabbed at his mouth with his napkin (more out of ritual than to actually clean it) and then folded it up and set it next to his plate. He finished his water and forced a shaky smile, avoiding eye contact.

_ Lunch- 293 calories _

He looked at Santana, who gave him a small thumbs up and mouthed a “good job.” The other two had long since been finished with their food, but decided to let him eat while Santana kept Mercedes occupied in conversation. They paid for their food, Kurt being abnormally quiet. Eventually, he forced a smile, being hit with a burst of energy. 

“Alright, where to next?” he asked with a grin.

They spent the rest of the day at the mall, and around four pm, realized they had to leave. Kurt drove Mercedes home first, and they hugged tightly on her doorstep (“Call me, white boy. You are not about to be replacing me with one of those fancy prep school boys!”) before he took Santana home. The car ride with just the two of them was silent, as they both pondered what to say. When they got to her apartment, she looked at Kurt, placing her hand on top of his. 

“Please text me. I know this is hard, but it doesn’t have to be like this. Just consider what I said, okay?” she asked. Santana kissed his cheek before leaving. Once she was out of sight, Kurt broke down yet again in his car. He hated being like this more than words could say. He eventually realized that he needed to pull himself together; this wasn’t the nicest part of town, and he didn’t want to get mugged. He drove himself home and packed his bags to go back to Dalton, excited about his new outfit. 

He said goodbye to his dad and Carole, grateful that Finn was out with Puck. He honestly wasn’t in the mood for an awkward goodbye with Finn telling him how sick he was. After he had assured his dad he would eat once he got to school, he got in his car and drove back to Dalton. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! Your comments are my only form of serotonin.   
> Cherie x


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to preface this by saying that this isn't a Klaine book. More will be explained at the end of the chapter.
> 
> I was listening to folklore as I was writing this and had to turn it off because I was vibing too hard to get any actual writing done.

When Kurt arrived at the school, it was just past dinnertime. He sat in his car for at least ten minutes, if not longer. This weekend had been a disaster; people weren’t supposed to find out. Either way, he was glad to be back at Dalton where no one knew how fucked up he was, and he could do what he wanted without his brother looking over his shoulder constantly. He eventually gathered his things and got out of his car, walking up to his dorm. He knew that his roommates were at dinner, so he had a bit of time to make sure he was caught up on schoolwork.

When the other three boys in his dorm returned, Kurt was at his desk writing an essay for French. They all seemed quite excited to see him, especially out of the Dalton blazer. 

“Kurt, you’re back! You should have come and gotten dinner with us,” cried Jeff, pulling him into a tight hug. Kurt’s heart skipped a beat- why was everything centered around food? He just returned the hug, smiling and greeting his friends with matched enthusiasm. 

“I ate on the way up,” he explained, shrugging a bit. Blaine looked at him in mock horror.

“You, Kurt Hummel, ate fast food?!” Kurt laughed, shaking his head at how well his friends knew him. 

“I would never! I picked up a salad from a nearby restaurant,” he hummed. Blaine nodded.

“Figures. Still, you should treat yourself sometimes! One French fry won’t ruin your perfect figure,” he teased, winking at the boy. Kurt’s heart sped up, and he couldn’t hide the blush rising to his face. Blaine said his figure was perfect ( _ he’s wrong _ ), Blaine winked at him! Kurt tore his gaze away, forcing himself to respond and interrupt Nick and Jeff’s snickering. 

“No, but one French fry leads to many more. I gain weight easily, and I worked hard for this body,” Kurt said this in a joking tone, but he meant what he said. Jeff shook his head.

“Nah, you’re too skinny. Besides, potato chips are worth it! One of these days, we’ll convert you to the dark side!” Kurt laughed, but the smile didn’t quite meet his eyes. Blaine noticed this, raising an eyebrow. He didn’t say anything, for which Kurt was grateful. He checked his watch.

“Well, we still have about two hours before curfew. What do you say we get some of the other Warblers and play truth or dare?” Jeff and Nick cheered in agreement. Kurt shrugged, unable to say no to the boy upon seeing the cheeky grin on his face.

“I guess I can take a little break,” hummed Kurt. Blaine smiled wider. Jeff texted most of the Warblers, and soon, they all went down to the common room. Kurt greeted the Warblers happily, pretending he didn’t notice- and even enjoy- some of the worried glances that he got from a few of the members. He couldn’t help but cringe slightly as the boys opened chip bags and soda cans, politely declining with a grimace when he was offered some (“No thanks, I don’t put that crap in my body.”) 

Right as they were settling down in a circle, Sebastian strode in confidently, hands in his pockets. Upon seeing the circle, he looked a bit surprised, but smirked.

“You all are playing spin the bottle without me? I’m hurt. However, I suppose I’ll join, as any party without me isn’t much fun at all,” he had an air of confidence at which Kurt couldn’t help but roll his eyes. 

“You weren’t invited for a reason,” said Blaine, already fed up. Sebastian just shrugged.

“He’s fine,” sighed Kurt, “let him stay.” Kurt figured that he sort of owed it to Sebastian after how nice the boy had been when he was feeling poorly. Sebastian was a bit surprised, but soon replied with a crooked grin.

“See? Hummel knows what’s up.” The rest of the Warblers, however, did a double take. The animosity between the two boys was usually thick enough to cut with a knife, but here they were, being relatively civil. Jeff smiled sweetly. He didn’t have the same irrational hatred toward Sebastian that Blaine and Kurt did.

“The more the merrier! We all know the rules, if you don’t answer the truth or do the dare, you’re out,” he explained. “Blaine can go first, since this was his idea.” Blaine shot Jeff a look. 

“Of course. Sebastian, truth or dare?” Sebastian looked up, raising an eyebrow.

“Alright, hot stuff, dare,” he grinned, winking at Blaine. Kurt glared, feeling a bit more jealous than he should have. Blaine made a face and thought for a minute.

“I dare you to text the first number in your contact list that you’re pregnant,” he hummed, clearly proud of himself. Sebastian laughed, whipping out his phone. 

“Piece of cake,” he said, typing something and looking back up. “Done. Trent, truth or dare?” 

This went on for a little bit until it was Jeff’s turn to ask a question. 

“Kurt, truth or dare?” he asked. Kurt hummed in thought. He didn’t want to give away anything too personal.

“Dare.” Jeff smiled, and all the Warblers knew what was coming, or at least the gist of what he was going to dare him to do.

“I dare you to kiss the person in this room you’re most attracted to.” Kurt’s face flushed, and he hid his face in his hands. He didn’t want to give himself away like this, but Kurt Hummel was a lot of things, and one thing he wasn’t, was a quitter. He glared at Jeff, shooting a nervous look toward Blaine, who was sitting next to him cluelessly. Kurt licked his lips slightly before turning to Blaine and shocking him with a deep kiss.

Blaine’s eyes widened slightly, but he soon smiled. They both shut their eyes and melted into the kiss, and Kurt let out a soft sigh of relief when he realized Blaine reciprocated. Upon tuning back into the real world and hearing the hoots and cheers from their fellow Warblers, they pulled away. They both were grinning like mad, holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it. Kurt, struck with a newfound confidence, leaned in to whisper in Blaine’s ear. 

“I really like you, Blaine,” he breathed. Blaine shivered at the feel of Kurt’s breath against his ear and nodded eagerly. He pulled him in for another soft kiss and replied.

“I really like you too. Will you be my-” he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck, “-my boyfriend?” 

Kurt beamed, nodding excitedly. He took Blaine’s hand before realizing that they were still in the game. He cleared his throat, turning back to the Warblers and speaking up. 

“Uh, Nick, truth or dare,” he asked, unable to wipe the smile from his face. 

“Fucking finally, oh my god- truth,” he laughed. Kurt continued to play the game, in a considerably better mood than before. 

When it was Sebastian’s turn, he turned back to Kurt. 

“Hummel, truth or dare,” he asked. Nothing could ruin Kurt’s mood, not even Sebastian. 

“Dare, since the last one turned out so well,” he giggled. Sebastian paused, smirking slightly. He realized that this could be a way to see if Kurt was actually as skinny as he suspected. 

“I dare you to take off your shirt.” 

Kurt noticeably tensed, his smile dropping. He instinctively crossed one arm over his stomach, his grip on Blaine’s hand tightening. He chewed on his lip a bit nervously before finally speaking up.

“I’m out-” he said, putting up one hand to signify that he forfeited. Sebastian made a mental note to check off one of the boxes on his list; the boy was clearly insecure. 

“Shame, I would have liked to see Anderson all hot and bothered.” Nearly every Warbler in the room rolled their eyes. 

Blaine seemed to notice how insecure he got and frowned, leaning in to whisper in Kurt’s ear.

“Don’t worry, I promise you’re beautiful,” he said gently. Kurt offered a weak smile as the game went on without him. While he didn’t necessarily believe Blaine, it was still nice to hear. He hugged the other boy’s arm slightly, leaning his head on Blaine’s shoulder. 

It was then that Blaine noticed how insecure Kurt really was. He also noticed how affectionate Kurt was after receiving reassurance; it was nice. He liked being able to comfort the taller boy, it made him feel good. He wrapped an arm around Kurt, rubbing his shoulder and continuing to think. 

The two boys were practically attached at the hip for the rest of the night, only separating to go to bed due to complaints from Jeff (“If Nick and I can’t sleep in the same bed, neither can you.”) They both went to bed with smiles on their faces and new hopes for the day to come. 

_______________________________________

The next morning, Blaine and Kurt were attached in a similar manner, though Kurt seemed a bit distant when Blaine walked down with him to breakfast. 

“You look wonderful today,” hummed Blaine, offering his most charming smile. Kurt returned the smile, pecking his cheek and thanking him softly. Blaine did his best to hide his frown. Last night, when he had complimented Kurt, he had been a lot more affectionate, so this was a bit disappointing. He figured it must have been because, the night before, Kurt was feeling more insecure, He let it go for the moment. Still, he wanted to make Kurt feel good!

When they got to the dining hall, Kurt surveyed his options, trying not to seem nervous. He eventually settled on a piece of toast, which was one of the few things that he deemed safe to eat. When they sat at the table, he felt as though everyone was watching him. He shakily gripped his fork and knife, cutting his toast up into the right number of pieces. He had eaten about half of it ( _ onetwothreefourfive-) _ before he heard Blaine speak up. Blaine had been talking to Jeff, but squeezed Kurt’s knee slightly, gaining his attention. 

“So I read in Vogue that bread is actually, like, super fattening. Isn’t that weird?” Blaine laughed, looking at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. Kurt tensed, suddenly feeling like he was about to cry. He set down his fork and knife, trying to hide his trembling hands. ( _ ohgodohgodohgod _ ). Nick and Jeff shot each other a confused look, and Sebastian, who was sitting nearby did a double take, choking a bit on his eggs; that was an awful thing to say even if someone wasn’t suffering from an eating disorder! Kurt spoke up, voice a bit softer than it was normally. 

“What-what is that supposed to mean? Are you calling me fat?” He had hurt in his eyes, and Blaine shook his head quickly.

“Oh, no, I would never! Kurt, you know that I think you’re the most beautiful boy in the world,” Blaine assured him, taking the boy’s hand. Kurt seemed to relax a bit, though still seemed wary. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, leaning into Blaine and resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Oh. Thanks,” he mumbled, giving his hand a soft squeeze. Blaine smiled to himself slightly, just enjoying the physical contact and the feeling of being loved. He felt bad, and knew he probably shouldn’t have made a remark like that when Kurt was so clearly self-conscious, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to feel loved, what was so wrong about that? 

Sebastian was shocked, wondering how Kurt could be so oblivious to the obvious manipulation. He had never thought that Anderson could be such an asshole. He didn’t say anything, but his heart broke a bit as he continued to listen to the conversation.

Nick and Jeff were a bit confused, wondering what exactly was going on. It wasn’t like Blaine to make such an underhanded remark. Nick eventually spoke up.

“Kurt, aren’t you going to finish your toast?” he asked, forehead wrinkling in concern. Kurt shook his head, voice still a bit quieter than normal.

“I’m not really that hungry anymore,” he replied. Kurt preferred to seek comfort in his boyfriend at that point, the physical contact helping him feel at least a bit better, though the words echoed in his head. He had just eaten bread, and if bread makes you fat, did that mean he was about to get fat? At this thought, Kurt felt as though the walls were closing in around him. He quickly excused himself, making some sort of flimsy excuse and rushing off, nearly in tears. 

Sebastian was appalled. He wanted so badly to say something, but didn’t want to give away that he had been eavesdropping. Either way, he had just lost massive amounts of both respect and attraction towards Blaine. He debated going to find Kurt, but ultimately decided against it, considering that his presence would just make things worse. 

Meanwhile, Kurt paced back and forth in his dorm room, fanning his eyes and biting his lip in order to try and hold back the tears coming to his eyes. Luckily, he hadn’t eaten too much bread, but he still felt awful. The logical part of him knew it wouldn’t affect anything, but that didn’t stop Blaine’s words from playing over and over in his head. 

  
  


_________________________________

Sebastian had told himself he wouldn’t go after Kurt, but he couldn’t help be worried. When he found himself in front of Kurt’s dorm room, however, he realized that it was the right thing to do. If no one said anything, Anderson’s words would just fester and trigger a panic attack. He listened for a minute before knocking, hearing gentle sniffling and soft, rapid footsteps through the door. He was clearly pacing. Sebastian rapped sharply on the door before stuffing his hands in his pockets. When Kurt opened the door, however, he seemed a bit surprised. Sebastian hadn’t actually thought this far ahead. He blinked, and Kurt crossed his arms, trying to seem as if he hadn’t been on the verge of tears a few seconds prior. 

“May I come in?” Sebastian asked smoothly. He didn’t wait for an answer as he strode into the dorm and sat down on one of the beds. Kurt looked at him incredulously. 

“I didn’t say yes,” he cried.

“You didn’t need to,” Sebastian shrugged, “besides, I wasn’t about to take no for an answer.” Kurt huffed a bit, giving Sebastian a look as if to tell him to keep talking. Sebastian sighed slightly. He had never been good at being genuine in these moments, which was why he often opted for a cool, confident persona. 

“Listen, I heard what Anderson said to you,” he admitted. Kurt narrowed his eyes.

“Why were you eavesdropping on our private conversation?” Sebastian gave him a look as if to tell Kurt to let him finish. Kurt rolled his eyes and reluctantly remained quiet. At this, Sebastian continued.

“I don’t exactly know what your deal is, but you seemed a bit upset over it, and so I just- I don’t know, I wanted to see if you were alright,” he said, stumbling a bit over the words. He wasn’t quite comfortable with this type of conversation, but figured that it needed to be had.

Kurt was a bit taken aback, rendered speechless for a moment. He eventually spoke up. 

“Thank you for your concern, but honestly, I’m f-” Sebastian cut him off. 

“Don’t say you’re fine, because you and I both know that’s bullshit.” They sat in an uncomfortable silence before Sebastian stood up. “It’s not true, you know, what he said?” Kurt was halfway convinced he was in some sort of elaborate dream at this point. 

“I know,” he lied. Sebastian started to leave, but stopped.

“Listen, I know we aren’t exactly the best of friends, but if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m here.” Kurt smiled softly to himself as Sebastian said this, turning to face him with a nod. 

“Thanks, Sebastian, the same goes for you, I guess-” he laughed weakly.

Sebastian, satisfied with the moderately uncomfortable conversation they had, left the dorm, leaving Kurt in a state of utter bewilderment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may be a bit confused about Blaine's behavior, so I'm going to explain. Someone commented earlier about how Blaine would not be good in a relationship with someone with an eating disorder. Blaine's own insecurities cause him to try and tear his partner down so that they rely on him and he can help them, as evidenced in season five, episode sixteen. This is sort of what he is doing with Kurt. Blaine is insecure and wants to be loved, so he gets this validation by making Kurt feel insecure in order to comfort him. This, in turn, lowers Kurt's self esteem and makes him feel as though he is closer to Blaine and that Blaine is the only one who gets him. Please never do this, or let someone do this to you, as it is manipulation and emotional abuse. But, I figured I would explain for anyone who was confused!
> 
> I tallied the votes, and Kurtbastian won! However, I am going to say that this is not a Kurtbastian book. Kurt and Sebastian may eventually end up in a loving relationship, but that is not what this book will primarily be about. First and foremost, this book is about Kurt and his struggle with his eating disorder. He has a disease that will not magically be solved by dating someone. For this reason, I'm not really going to refer to it as a Kurtbastian book so much as a book that happens to include Kurtbastian. 
> 
> Please leave me comments telling me what you think! I love to hear from you guys, and I read and respond to every comment! I refresh this page several times a day to check for new comments, so please never feel like you are bothering me. All of your comments make me so happy!   
> Cherie x


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama between Kurt and Blaine, and a sweet moment between Kurt and Sebastian. I'm writing this instead of doing my calculus assignment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for panic attacks and eating disorders (obviously)
> 
> This is not Blaine friendly. 
> 
> I just realized that I can insert horizontal lines ?? No more awkward hyphens to separate scenes!

About a week later, Kurt and Blaine had plans to go to the mall. Everything was going splendidly, and the news of them dating spread like wildfire. They were so wrapped up in their affection for one another that they didn’t notice the looks they- mostly Blaine- were given. See, it didn’t take a genius to realize that Blaine was tearing Kurt down in order to build him up. The only person who didn’t seem to notice was Kurt. Jeff and Nick had tried to talk to the both of them about it a few times, but Kurt seemed confused and Blaine feigned oblivion.

Truthfully, the judgement was quite frustrating to Blaine; he didn’t see a problem. Blaine was just finding a way to deepen their connection. So what if he wanted to find new ways to comfort his boyfriend, isn’t that what relationships are supposed to be about? All of the people telling him to stop being an asshole was really starting to put him on edge, so when Nick and Jeff practically invited themselves on their shopping date, he was quite upset. 

Jeff was the one who had brought it up. He and Nick were curled up on his bed, Nick reading a book while Jeff rested his head on his lover’s chest and listened to his heart beat. He lifted his head slightly to look at Nick, breaking the comfortable silence with something he had been aching to say.

“Hey Nicky?”

“Yes, Jeff?” Jeff paused for a moment, thinking about how to proceed.

“I’ve gotta be honest, I’m a bit worried about Kurt and Blaine. I was all for them getting together, since they were such good friends and all, but it seems like Blaine has been kind of mean to Kurt since they started dating. I don’t think he’s like, abusive or anything, but he makes a lot of backhanded comments towards him,” Jeff explained, looking up at Nick and tracing shapes into the boy’s chest. Nick hummed in acknowledgement, placing his hand on top of Jeff’s sweetly. 

“I thought I was the only one who noticed. It’s really out of character for Blaine too, and I think it’s hurting Kurt’s feelings. Before we actually sit them down and talk about it though, I feel like we should be sure. I know they’re going to the mall on Saturday, what about we ask to go with them? I have no doubt that Kurt will say yes.” Jeff nodded, batting his lashes.

“You’re so smart, Nicky, I’m definitely in. If we see something, we can be a bit more blunt.”

“Sounds perfect, I’ll talk to Kurt when they get back from coffee.”

* * *

Needless to say, Blaine had not been happy when he found out that their friends were going to be joining them. He tried his best to be nice about it, but couldn’t help wanting Kurt to feel at least a bit bad. If he felt bad, why shouldn’t Kurt? (“Am I not enough for you, that our friends have to come with us on our dates?”) He eventually did his best to get over it, figuring that he could still have a good time with the boy he liked. 

The day they went to the mall, Kurt made sure not to eat anything. He wanted to look his best for Blaine, and to him, that meant looking as skinny as possible. When they got to the mall with Nick and Jeff, they immediately went into a fairly high-end store. The mall in Westerville was much nicer than the one in Lima, and the selection was better as well. They went from store to store, all having a fairly good time until they walked into the GAP. Kurt and Blaine were looking at jeans, hands linked when they ran into a few other Warblers. They greeted them, engaging in pleasant conversation before Kurt pointed to a pair of jeans on a mannequin, squeezing Blaine’s hand gently. 

“Those are cute, very Paris Fashion Week, circa 1960, of course-” he laughed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Blaine smiled. 

“I’ll grab you a pair to try on, what size are you?” Kurt cringed a bit, but forced a smile. 

“I can fit a small or an extra small, so could you grab both, please?” asked Kurt sweetly. Blaine cocked his head, unable to stop himself from feeling a bit jealous. He knew that the jeans would make Kurt feel a bit more confident, but that meant he might leave for someone else. 

“You sure you’re not a medium? You’ve put on a few pounds lately. You’re lucky we’re already dating,” he laughed, patting Kurt’s shockingly concave stomach. The other couple of Warblers practically whipped around to gape at Blaine, absolutely appalled. Kurt stood there for a moment with wide eyes, clearly very hurt by this.

“I have…?” Blaine smiled, reaching for his hand.

“Yeah, but it’s okay! Most people don’t like bigger guys, but I do,” Blaine assured him. At that, Kurt burst into tears, turning on his heel and barreling out of the store to the bathrooms. 

“What the hell, Blaine?!” asked Jeff angrily before going after Kurt to comfort him. Nick looked genuinely disgusted, and the other three Warblers were giving Blaine mean looks. Blaine, however, didn’t really see it as that big of a deal.

“Why are you all looking at me like that? He’s  _ my _ boyfriend!” Trent shook his head in antipathy as he led the other boys out of the store, both Thad and Skylar shoving past Blaine roughly. Nick finally looked at Blaine, the usual friendly glint in his eye completely gone.

“I really thought you were better than that, Blaine,” he muttered before leaving him in the store, going to find Kurt and Jeff. 

* * *

Kurt had locked himself in a bathroom stall, feeling unbelievably pathetic. He was having a full on panic attack at that point, clawing desperately at his collarbones and crying into his knees. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was; how could he think that Blaine liked him? Blaine thought that he was fat; he had gained weight! If Blaine had noticed, it must have been bad. He could barely register Jeff trying to get him to open the stall, and didn’t even notice Jeff awkwardly crawling under the stall door until the boy was gently pulling his hands away from where they were scratching his irritated skin.

Jeff was shocked, he had never seen Kurt like this. Kurt had always been someone he saw as unbreakable; he was headstrong, sassy, and confident. Seeing him break down like this was heartbreaking, and he couldn’t believe Blaine had been the cause of it. He didn’t exactly know what to do for panic attacks, but he figured Nick might. He shot his boyfriend a text, telling him to get to the restrooms as soon as possible. 

When Nick showed up, Kurt wasn’t doing any better. Jeff let him in, concern evident in his face as he gestured to the broken boy on the ground. Nick immediately sprung into action, sitting on his knees in front of Kurt as Jeff went outside to guard the door. 

Nick’s younger sister had struggled a lot with her mental health, and so he had a fair bit of experience dealing with panic attacks, though he never expected Kurt to be someone to have them. He supposed it made sense; Kurt had always been very particular, though he had figured he was just a bit highly strung. As Nick guided him through the panic attack, he contemplated what exactly they would do after. He decided that he and Jeff would take him back to Dalton, Blaine could figure out how to get back on his own. He assumed that Kurt wouldn’t want to continue shopping after this, and made a mental note to ask Trent if they could use his dorm for a bit to allow Kurt to relax. He figured that seeing Blaine again after such a harsh comment could trigger another attack, and truthfully, Nick didn’t know if he trusted himself (or Jeff) to see Blaine without ripping his head off. 

Nick had never been the best with emotions or intimate talks. He supposed that was why he was so good with Jeff; they balanced each other out. So, when Kurt finally calmed down to soft, shaky sniffles, Nick decided to just pull him into a loose hug, making it clear that he could pull away if needed. Kurt, as much as he wanted to seek comfort in his friend, couldn’t help but worry about Nick feeling disgusted if he realized how fat he was. He pulled away weakly, which Nick seemed to respect, as he didn’t try to hug him again. Kurt was mortified, avoiding eye contact with the boy. Nick just smiled reassuringly.

“My sister gets them, so I get it. You don’t have to be embarrassed,” he explained, moving to sit next to Kurt, who remained silent, but seemed to be at least slightly comforted by this fact; it made him feel like less of a freak. Nick was silent for a moment.

“Do you… Do you want to talk about it?” he asked a bit hesitantly. Jeff had always been better at this sort of thing, but Nick wanted to let Kurt know he was there. Kurt shook his head quickly, and Nick nodded in understanding. 

“Alright, that’s fine. I’m going to go let Jeff know you’re okay, and then we’ll take you back to Dalton, alright?” Nick spoke in a low, soothing tone, which made Kurt feel considerably calmer. He nodded again, licking his dry lips and clearing his throat. His voice was a bit wobbly, but he wanted to at least let Nick know that he was grateful. 

“Thanks, Nick,” he whispered, offering a teary smile. 

* * *

On the car ride home, Nick and Jeff did their best to establish some feeling of normalcy, not wanting Kurt to feel too awkward. They played music, singing along and gently encouraging Kurt to join them. Kurt wasn’t really in the mood to sing, but he enjoyed hearing the other’s voices. The news of what Blaine had said to him had already spread like wildfire throughout the Warblers, and when they returned, Kurt was given quite a few sympathetic glances. Nick and Jeff, however, gave them warning looks if they tried to come closer, as they didn’t want to overwhelm their friend. The last thing they wanted to do was have someone bring up Blaine. Luckily, Trent had agreed to let the three of them spend the rest of the day in his dorm so they didn’t have to see Blaine.

Nick and Jeff spent the day trying to make Kurt feel better, as he seemed a bit drained. Kurt was grateful at how hard the two were trying, but in a way, it made him feel like even more of a freak. He didn’t need to be coddled, and he definitely didn’t need pity. It did make him feel a bit better to know they weren’t judging him, but he couldn’t help feeling a little bit embarrassed. 

What happened at the mall was all any of the Warblers were talking about. The gossip chain at Dalton was quite efficient, so everyone knew about it, and everyone was pissed with Blaine. Wes was the only one who was willing to pick Blaine up from the mall, and he only did it so that he could yell at him. Quite a few of the other students came up to Blaine to give him a piece of their mind, but Blaine still didn’t see the big issue. It’s not harmful if it’s bringing him and Kurt closer, is it? At least, he didn’t think so. Regardless, he was very disappointed to see that Kurt wasn’t in their dorm, and Trent not so kindly informed him that he was being avoided. 

When Sebastian heard about what happened at the mall, he was horrified. He and Kurt weren’t exactly friends, but after the previous week, he couldn’t help but feel a bit protective over the boy. He knew that it would be better to stay in his own lane, but he couldn’t help it. He stormed up to the dorm and didn’t even bother to knock, glad to see that Blaine was the only one in there. 

“What the hell is wrong with you, Anderson?” He seethed, seeing red. Blaine was alarmed, he had never seen Sebastian angry, especially not like this. 

“Wh-”

“Can it, hobbit. Listen up, I don’t know what on  _ earth _ would possess you to say something so awful, especially to someone so clearly insecure about their weight. You, sir, are a cruel person, and that’s coming from me,” he sneered, barely taking a breath before continuing, running a hand through his hair. “You are a sadistic, immoral bastard with a penchant for lying and hurting people, and to pick someone like Kurt to try and destroy is truly despicable.” Sebastian paced back and forth in front of Blaine. Blaine was furious; how dare Sebastian of all people tell him how he should or shouldn’t treat his boyfriend?

“Sebastian, I-”

“I’m not fucking finished, nimrod. Listen to me, if I ever catch wind of you saying something this awful again, I won’t be so kind. My family is connected to  _ a lot  _ of influential people, so I would be very careful from now on unless you have a death wish. Tread lightly, Anderson, because you just made a very powerful enemy.” 

Sebastian stormed out before he actually hit Blaine. He was positively seeing red, not trusting himself enough to be around the boy any longer. He had a lot more that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t exactly keep an eye on Kurt if he was expelled. Sebastian went up to his dorm to calm down, having to make a genuine effort not to trip a particularly haughty freshman walking down the stairs. 

* * *

When dinnertime rolled around, Kurt began to feel sick. He had been dreading this, and he knew that Nick and Jeff would be extra wary of him. He had already used the sick excuse, so that was out of the question. Honestly, he was just ready to see Blaine and apologize for deserting him in the mall. When they walked down to the dining hall, Kurt saw Blaine and practically ran to him, embracing him in a tight hug and connecting their lips, much to the shock of nearly everyone else in the dining hall. They had assumed Kurt would have broken up with Blaine. 

When Kurt pulled away, he frowned slightly. 

“I’m sorry for freaking out and leaving you in the mall,” he mumbled, taking his hand. Kurt honestly didn’t care if they got in trouble for PDA, he just wanted to be comforted by his boyfriend. Blaine was surprised, but happy, as well as a bit smug. If Kurt wasn’t upset with him, why was everyone else? He gave Kurt’s hand a small squeeze, pecking his cheek.

“That’s alright, babe. It hurt my feelings a bit, but I’ll be alright,” he hummed, “why don’t we go and get some food?” Kurt forced a smile. 

“Sure.” Kurt went directly to the salad bar, filling up his plate almost entirely with spinach. He thought about getting toast, but didn’t want Blaine to think of him as even fatter. He led his boyfriend to sit down at the table, not oblivious to the dirty looks the other Warblers were giving Blaine. The other boys, however, were going to try and be civil, for the sake of Kurt if nothing else. 

As they ate, Kurt had to be conscious of his breathing. He mostly cut up his spinach, pushing it around his plate and avoiding eye contact. He occasionally ate a little bit, predominantly taking his bites in multiples of three. Eventually, the spinach on his plate was practically shredded. Between the bits stuffed in his pocket, the way it was torn up, and the way he had pushed it around on his plate, it looked like he had eaten most of it. Kurt was starving; he had been fasting for a day and a half now and this was the first time he had eaten. But, he knew that he had to be careful, as he had somehow gotten fatter. 

He started to get up to put away his plate, but David spoke up. 

“Aren’t you going to eat a bit more than that, Kurt? That’s barely anything, just leaves!” Kurt forced a smile, realizing how closely they were all watching. He didn’t want to seem suspicious. 

“Of course! I’m just going to get seconds,” he replied, suddenly aware of how manually he was breathing. His eyes had gotten quite teary, and he walked over to the entrée bar with his plate, willing himself to grab something. Once he got there, his brain was telling him to get the food, but his body couldn’t seem to obey. He just stood there, staring at it while gripping his plate tightly. 

Sebastian, who had been watching the boy carefully, did not want him to have a breakdown in front of the entire cafeteria. The last thing that Kurt needed was to be the subject of more gossip. He excused himself and walked up to Kurt as discreetly as possible, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and guiding him back up to the dorms. Sebastian brought Kurt to his own dorm, as he didn’t want to deal with Blaine once dinner was over. Kurt still seemed to be in his own thoughts as he allowed Sebastian to take him upstairs. Sebastian sat him down on the bed, not saying anything and just getting him a glass of water. 

Eventually, Kurt realized what all was going on and looked around, a bit confused as he felt a glass of water being pressed into his hands. He offered Sebastian a puzzled expression, to which he smiled softly.

“Drink it, it’s not poisoned.” Kurt nodded gratefully, sipping on the ice cold water. Sebastian sat on the other side of the bed, facing away from Kurt as he tried to think of what to say. They sat in silence for a bit as Kurt finished the water. 

“I don’t hate you, you know,” remarked Sebastian, “I know that I give you a lot of grief, but I don’t. Honestly, you’re just really talented, and I’m a bit scared of that. Everyone seems to think that Blaine is the star of the Warblers, but you’re the best one there, just underutilized. I guess they don’t exactly know what to do with you, because countertenors are super rare, but you’re the one to beat. I guess that's why I was so mean to you, because I saw you as competition. Either way, I’m sorry.” 

Kurt was touched. He didn’t quite know what to say, as he never would have expected that from Sebastian. He knew, however, that he couldn’t just sit in silence, because that would end the moment. To be honest, this was the most cared for he had felt in a long time.

“It’s okay, I guess. I never really took the stuff you said to heart, and I honestly enjoy our battles of tongue- oh god, that sounds really sexual,” he cringed, “um, what I mean is that I have fun fighting with you, because I know it’s not really that serious. Still, thank you, that really means a lot to hear.” 

Sebastian chuckled, looking down slightly. 

“No, I get what you mean, though that is a very strange way to put it,” he mused. Kurt laughed softly to himself, and they sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before he spoke up.

“I think I’d like to try this. Being friends? We have a lot in common, and we have fantastic musical chemistry,” admitted Kurt. Sebastian was a bit surprised, but he nodded.

“I think I’d quite like that,” he replied. Kurt smiled placidly, a bit embarrassed to be so happy about it, though he was unaware that Sebastian had the exact same smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins! What do you think of this chapter? Please leave comments, I love hearing from you guys so much!!  
> Cherie x


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few sweet moments, as well as some angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! I feel like you guys know that by now, but I feel obligated to say it.

Kurt and Sebastian talked for a few more minutes. Sebastian debated asking Kurt about his suspicions, but realized the boy would most likely deflect them, if he didn’t just get angry. Eventually, Kurt realized that he had to go back to his dorm and face his friends at some point, and bid farewell to Sebastian, who gave him a smile that made his heart flutter the slightest bit. When he got back to his dorm, Nick was sitting on the bed, while Jeff paced back and forth worriedly. When they saw him, Nick jumped up, and Jeff ran to embrace him in a hug. 

“Kurtie, where did you go? We were getting worried,” mumbled Jeff, frowning into the hug before pulling back to look at him. Kurt forced a smile.

“I got distracted by something and went to work on a project with a friend,” he replied. Kurt felt bad for lying to his friends, but something told him that they wouldn’t exactly approve of where he was. Jeff seemed to buy it, but Nick didn’t look convinced. Regardless, he let it slide, knowing that they had bigger things to talk about before Blaine returned.

“Jeff and I wanted to talk to you about something.” Kurt suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of dread, scared that they knew about his eating habits. However, he knew it would look more suspicious if he flat out refused to talk, so he just nodded. His legs walked him over to sit on Nick’s bed as he resigned himself to his fate. 

Nick paused, glancing at Jeff as if debating who would be the one to break the news. Eventually, Nick spoke up.

“We think that you should break up with Blaine,” he admitted. Kurt’s head shot up in confusion, and he felt a strange sense of relief. Before he could reply, Jeff began.

“What he means is that Blaine doesn’t always seem to be the nicest to you, and we think it’s taking a toll on you. I’ve never seen you like I saw you today, and it worried me. If he says that to you in front of everyone, what does he say when you two are alone?” 

Kurt frowned, not seeing how it was any of their business. Besides, Blaine loved him, and he loved Blaine! Blaine was just being honest, and honestly was important in a relationship! He smiled weakly at Jeff. A part of him knew that the relationship wasn’t the healthiest, but in a way, it sort of encouraged his disorder, and there was no way he was letting go of that. 

“I promise you that Blaine and I are fine. He was just being honest, and it probably came out way harsher than he meant it. I already apologized for running off like that, and we are okay now, better than ever! Promise,” he said all of this in one breath, and Jeff and Nick realized this could be harder than they thought.

“But Kurt,” said Nick gently, “you shouldn’t have to apologize, he should have been the one apologizing.” Kurt didn’t really think so, but he knew it was the only way to get his friends off of his back.

“He did! He apologized at dinner, you guys just didn’t hear. I promise that we are fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I still need to take a shower, do my skincare regimen, call my father, and study,” Kurt stood up. Nick and Jeff were worried, but let it go. 

As if on cue, Blaine strode in, a bit frustrated that Kurt had just left like that. 

“Kurt, where did you go at dinner? You said that you were getting seconds-” he huffed a bit. Kurt beckoned for Jeff and Nick to leave, not wanting to make them uncomfortable. Once they had left, Kurt took Blaine’s hand, smiling gently to try and calm him down. 

“Blaine, don’t worry. I’m sorry for leaving, I just got distracted and wanted to work on a project for French. We can spend some time together tonight, I promise.” Blaine was not appeased, yanking his hand away. This startled Kurt quite a bit. 

“Am I not good enough for you or something? I mean, you hate me so much that you need to leave in the middle of dinner? God, I would think you were cheating on me, but I’m the only guy who would be interested in you,” Blaine spat. This stung Kurt quite a bit. He remained silent for a moment before speaking up.

“Blaine, you know you’re the only guy. I’m really sorry to have made you feel like that, please calm down-” Blaine threw his hands down in frustration, which made Kurt flinch noticeably, much to the surprise of both of them. 

“Kurt, did you think I was going to hit you…?” Kurt frowned.

“What? No- no, of course I didn’t!” he laughed nervously. For some reason, this made Blaine even angrier.

“I can’t believe it, you think I’m a bad person!”

“Blaine, no, I’m sorry,” he breathed, just wanting the conversation to be over. “I can tell my dad that I’m not coming home this weekend, and we can spend the time together then instead, I promise-” 

Blaine thought about it, though it was still upsetting to him that Kurt had flinched when he moved. It was offensive to him, that Kurt would think Blaine would abuse him. He sighed, though he was still quite upset.

“Fine, but please don’t blow me off this time, unless you actually  _ do _ hate me,” he scoffed. Kurt’s frown somehow deepened, and he nodded. 

“I would never, Blaine,” he replied. Blaine waved him off, and Kurt left to go take his shower, suddenly regretting the plate of spinach he had eaten. He resolved not to eat breakfast or lunch. He figured it was somewhat immature to starve himself  _ at  _ someone, but at this point, he couldn’t care less. This was the one form of control he had, and he would be damned if he gave it up.

The next morning, Kurt got up early to study. His conversation with Blaine had left him too exhausted to get any actual work done, so he had gone straight to sleep. He got a cup of coffee from the local coffee shop, getting Blaine a muffin and leaving it on his desk. When he got to the library, the sun was just barely beginning to peek out from behind the trees, making Kurt feel strangely calm as he sat in one of the loveseats, illuminated by the warm glow of the newly rising sun. 

Kurt wanted to study, he truly did, but for some reason, his brain wasn’t working correctly. He stared at the words on the page for at least ten minutes, but couldn’t seem to actually process them. He eventually gave up, settling on sipping his coffee and watching the sun rise through the window. 

Kurt used to care about his studies more than anything, but now, nothing really seemed to matter. Almost everything seemed dreary and grey, and anything that didn’t confused him. Blaine was a stormy red, and Kurt sometimes wondered whether it was a red of passion or a red of anger. Jeff was an energetic orange, though the shade had been getting dimmer as of late. What confused him most, was Sebastian. Just a few weeks ago, Sebastian had been a morose sort of blue-grey, but now, he seemed a dazzling yellow. Kurt wasn’t sure what it meant, but he was pretty sure he liked it. 

Kurt tended to like the mornings, as that was when everything seemed the brightest. Everyone was asleep, and he could be alone with his thoughts. The prospect was occasionally scary, but it was also oddly tranquil at times. Kurt was shaken out of his trance by someone calling his name, blinking harshly as he looked away from the window. He looked up to see Sebastian and smiled brightly. Sebastian returned a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his neck a bit awkwardly.

“I don’t know why I said your name, but I was a bit surprised to see you. I’m normally the only one up around this time,” he admitted with a laugh. Kurt nodded, shrugging slightly.

“I was going to study, but the sunrise seems far more interesting. Would you like to watch with me?” Kurt secretly hoped he’d say yes, and wondered if he was a bad person for wishing this. Sebastian thought for a moment before nodding, and Kurt moved over to make room on the loveseat. They both stared out the window at the rising sun, finding comfort in the silence. In a way, this made them feel closer to each other than they had with anyone else in a while. There was about an inch in between them, and perhaps Kurt wanted to move closer, though it can’t be known, as he never would have admitted it for the fear of being a bad boyfriend. 

Kurt continued to sip his coffee. He eventually finished it, which was rather disappointing. He didn’t want to do anything to risk breaking this moment, so he pretended to continue sipping the empty cup. He wasn’t ready for this to be over, not yet. 

Sebastian eventually spoke up, though not wanting to. The silence felt rather warm to him, and it seemed to convey more than words could. Unfortunately, the sun has risen, so he had to say something at one point. 

“That was nice,” he admitted, “I hope we can do this again at some point.” Kurt smiled softly to himself, he couldn’t help but agree. 

“Me too,” he admitted. They sat there for a few moments longer before Sebastian checked his watch. 

“It’s 7:30, can I walk you to breakfast?” Kurt thought about it. He knew that it would likely upset Blaine, but he felt too warm to care.

“Sure.” They walked to breakfast, chatting comfortably. When they walked in together and were noticed by some of the Warblers, it was shocking. The two normally had an animosity so intense that it could be felt across the room, their feud was a sort of inside joke between the group at this point, so to see them so friendly was strange. They parted to go to their separate tables, sitting with their respective groups of friends. When they were asked about it, the both of them shrugged it off, making it seem as if it were no big deal at all.

Kurt managed to get through breakfast without eating a single bite, just pushing the food around his plate and slipping it into his pockets. He supposed it had become sort of like a game to him at that point: How much food could he leave on his plate without drawing suspicion? He was grateful that no one seemed to notice, though it was a bit more difficult to slip food into his pockets with Blaine’s hand resting on his thigh like that. He figured that it was supposed to be affectionate, but the way it tightened whenever he talked to someone else made him feel a bit nervous, especially since Blaine’s hand could wrap more than halfway around his skinny leg.

_____________________________________

That day, Kurt and Sebastian did something brave and decided to eat lunch together. Blaine was in some sort of private lesson for the Warblers, so he wasn’t there to get jealous or try and track him down. They figured it would turn a lot of heads, so they ended up eating in the library, or in Kurt’s case, ‘eating.’

Sebastian wasn’t blind, he noticed how tightly Kurt held his fork. He noticed how he cut his food into small pieces, slipping them into his pockets when he thought he wasn’t looking. But most importantly, he noticed how the fork never actually passed Kurt’s lips. Sebastian, however, did not want to risk their budding friendship, or trigger another panic attack, so he kept silent, allowing the boy to think he was clueless, and didn’t see how anxious he actually was around food. 

After lunch, they were seen walking together in the hallways. Kurt was shocked at how much he enjoyed the other’s company, and how he felt genuinely engaged in their conversation. The news of their friendship quickly made its way throughout the Warblers. Unfortunately, this meant Blaine found out fairly quickly. In one of the classes they had together, Blaine decided to ask his boyfriend about it.

“So what’s up with you and Sebastian?” Kurt shrugged.

“What  _ is  _ up with me and Sebastian?” Recently, what with how down Kurt had been feeling, some of his previous sass had faded. His conversations with Sebastian, however, were quite energizing, and he felt more like himself than he had in a long time. Unfortunately, Blaine did not seem to enjoy the sassy comment directed at him, and gave his boyfriend a look.

“I mean, I heard from some of the Warblers that you guys ate lunch together,” said Blaine, patience beginning to thin. Kurt didn’t seem too surprised, he knew how efficient the Warblers gossip chain was. 

“Yeah, we’re friends now.” Blaine would never have expected this, but he decided that he didn’t like that Kurt and Sebastian were friends. 

“Why? You know that I don’t like him,” remarked Blaine, his annoyance seeping through into his tone. This seemed to get Kurt’s attention. Kurt didn’t feel like backing down, so he decided to challenge him.

“If I remember correctly, I’m the one who is friends with him, not you, so I don’t really see how you have much of a say in it.” This seriously upset Blaine. Normally, when he got annoyed, Kurt would just do whatever he wanted. He decided that this was all Sebastian’s doing, and he did not like it one bit. Unable to control his temper any longer, Blaine slammed his hand down on the table and stood up, causing Kurt to flinch, as well as many heads in the class to turn. Kurt spoke up, his tone much more timid this time. 

“Blaine, please, don’t make a scene…” Blaine was satisfied, Kurt seemed much less confident, which meant he was less likely to leave.

“Sorry,” he said, though more addressing the class than Kurt. Kurt seemed much more on edge than before, and they didn’t talk much for the rest of class. 

As Kurt walked toward Warblers practice with Blaine, they parted for a bit so Blaine could use the restrooms. While Kurt was waiting, David came up to him. 

“Kurt? I think we need to talk.” Kurt quirked an eyebrow, a signal for him to keep talking. He continued, “Wes and I were talking, and we think you should break up with Blaine.” It took Kurt everything he had not to roll his eyes; this was the third person today to tell him this. 

“Thank you for your concern, David, but as I told the other Warblers, Blaine and I are perfectly fine.” David frowned, scanning Kurt’s face for a moment. 

“Alright… Just remember, the Warblers and I are on your side, we have your back,” he said, leaving as he saw Blaine emerge from the restrooms. 

Blaine smiled, coming up to Kurt and taking his hand. He pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“What did David want to talk about?” Kurt looked up.

“Huh? Oh, nothing important,” he chuckled, pecking Blaine’s lips as they walked to rehearsal. 

_________________________

When Kurt walked into rehearsal, he seemed off. He held himself in his usual manner, but he seemed a bit unsteady. In truth, he was feeling rather lightheaded, but did not want to sit down and be accused of making a scene. As they went through the dance number, he felt as though the world were spinning, and he barely made it through his calypso. By the time they neared the end of the number, Kurt felt a bit more confident that he could make it, but after a turn, he stumbled and fell onto his hands and knees, panting slightly and trying to clear the spots from his vision. 

The entire number stopped, and everyone looked rather concerned. Blaine walked over. Sebastian, however, rushed to his side. 

“Are you okay? Do you need to sit out?” Kurt blinked harshly, looking around at the concerned Sebastian and the slightly annoyed Blaine. 

“Fine,” he mumbled, standing up and swaying dangerously. 

“He said he’s fine, Smythe,” remarked Blaine sharply. Regardless, he put a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You’re fine, right, honey?” Kurt swallowed, nodding quickly. This made his head spin all over again, and he instinctively grabbed onto Sebastian for a moment. 

“I think you should sit out, Kurt, practice is almost over anyways,” said Wes gently. Kurt tried to object, thinking about how he must be burning calories, and he didn’t want to stop. Sebastian spoke up, and something in his tone told Kurt not to argue.

“Sit down, Kurt.” Kurt looked up at Blaine, who led him to sit. Kurt watched from the side, unable to stop himself from bouncing his legs in an effort to burn extra calories. Sebastian noted this, for his checklist. 

Blaine continued with his solo, a bit annoyed about having been interrupted. Of course, he felt a bit of concern for Kurt, but it was overshadowed by his frustration. As they were leaving, Blaine grumbled something to him. 

“You don’t have to be so dramatic, you know.” Kurt gripped Blaine’s hand, a bit scared to lose his balance. He, of course, would blame it on dehydration, but for now, he was safe. 

When they got to dinner, Kurt got a small amount of food, just enough to push around his plate. However, as he sat down and cut up his food, Wes commented. 

“Kurt, you have to eat more than that, you barely had anything today,” he said, concern evident in his voice. Kurt in no way wanted to do this, but realized he had to. He gripped his fork tightly in his hand, feeling the metal pressing into his skin and leaving small indents. He stabbed one of the small pieces and stuffed it in his mouth. 

Kurt thought he would be sick. It was so disgusting, and yet it was incredible. He realized how much he had been wanting this, and soon, he was practically shoveling it into his mouth with no real sense of what he was doing. By the time his brain had caught up with his body, he had eaten three plates ( _ at least 800 calories _ ). Kurt felt himself tearing up, and Blaine looked at him.

“Geez, you must have been hungry, that was like, three pounds of food!” Kurt forced a smile and nodded, excusing himself and power walking to the bathroom. He soon found himself in front of the toilet, jamming his fingers painfully down his throat with tears in his eyes. As he was finishing up, he heard a hesitant sounding knock on the stall door. 

“Kurt? Are you in there?” his heart plummeted, and he quickly wiped his fingers and mouth on some toilet paper. He didn’t respond, figuring that if he was silent, maybe he’d disappear. “Kurt, I know you’re in there, please open the door.” Kurt flushed the toilet and opened the stall door, seeing Wes on the other side. He walked past him, avoiding eye contact as he washed his hands and rinsed his mouth. He forced a smile, looking at Wes.

“Yes?” Wes was a bit startled by how calm he was. He saw that Kurt’s left sleeve was a bit rolled up, wondering if his wrist had always been so bony. His arms were like toothpicks! Kurt, following his gaze, rolled his sleeve down quickly. 

“I’m going to ask you something, and I hope you answer me honestly. Kurt,” he whispered, “are you alright? Seriously, like, are you okay…?” Kurt froze up a bit, willing himself not to tear up again. His smile seemed awfully strained as he nodded.

“Yeah, Wes, I’m fine,” he mumbled. Wes wasn’t stupid. He knew this was a lie, but he wasn’t about to force a confession out of him. He took a few steps forward and placed a hand on the boy’s (scarily bony) shoulder. 

“Alright, but… I just want you to know that I care about you. A lot of people love and care about you, you know? Some of the Warblers have come to me really worried about you, and I want you to know that we have your back, no matter what. You’re very talented, and in general a great kid. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Can I hug you?” Kurt was taken aback, but he nodded. Wes smiled weakly and pulled him in for a gentle hug, as he was a bit afraid that the thin boy would snap in two. Kurt hugged back, though rather self conscious. He mumbled a soft thanks. Wes was only a year or two older, but he was strangely parental when he needed to be, and it was quite comforting. 

Eventually, Kurt forced himself to pull away, though Wes probably would have hugged him for as long as he needed. They stood there for a moment before Wes realized he should probably give Kurt some time. He walked toward the door, but before he left, he looked at Kurt. 

“Remember, Kurt, you matter, even if your brain tries to say you don’t.” 

When Kurt went back to his dorm room, he could barely register Blaine being frustrated with him, mumbling some sort of apology and curling up in his bed. He didn’t even bother to take off his shoes, just crawling under the blankets and staring at the wall. This was rather concerning to Jeff and Nick, but they didn’t want to ask with Blaine there. 

Once everyone was asleep, Kurt had to force himself to check his phone, seeing he had several texts from Sebastian asking him if he was alright and wondering if he needed anything. He found it a bit funny that Sebastian cared about him stumbling in the choir room way more than Blaine did. (He didn’t actually find it funny, it actually hurt him quite a bit, but he claimed to find it funny so that he could hide how he felt with humor.) 

Kurt texted him back that he was fine, but was yet again hit with how he was lying to everyone he cared about. He felt as though he had to punish himself. His stomach was still rather messed up from earlier, but he decided his best bet was to exercise. As he slipped out of his dorm and to the track, he thought rather bitterly about how boys his age should be sneaking out to party and get drunk, not run in circles. However, he knew he wasn’t exactly a typical boy his age, what with how fucked up he seemed to be. 

He spent several hours at the track before making it back to his dorm, barely able to walk in a straight line. He took his shower and set his phone alarm for three hours; not too much sleep, his exhaustion would serve as a reminder of how he had messed up that day.

When he woke up a few hours later, he went to get coffee (and a muffin for Blaine) before going to the library to watch the sun set. He would tell himself that it was to have time to think, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he just wanted to see Sebastian again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! Your comments make my day, and I love to hear from you guys!  
> Cherie x


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot happens in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters will be very eventful. 
> 
> As usual, there is a trigger warning in place.

Kurt sat in the library for about half an hour, starting to feel a bit disappointed. He wasn’t completely sure why it was so upsetting that Sebastian wasn’t there. It wasn’t as though they had plans to meet up! 

Kurt was pulled out of his thoughts by a weight on the couch next to him, and he looked up to see Sebastian. His heart leapt at the sight of the debonair young man, though he wondered if his excitement was unfair to Blaine. He offered a smile, glad that Sebastian had shown up.

“Morning, Hummel. Sorry I’m a bit late,” he mused. Kurt nodded, unable to wipe the slight smile off of his face.

“Oh, it’s alright. You can’t exactly be late if we didn’t have plans to meet up in the first place-” he laughed, though he couldn’t help the feeling of slight betrayal at how long he had waited for Sebastian, no matter how nonsensical. As the sun began to rise, they sat in silence in the same manner as the previous day, feeling at peace. After the sun had fully risen, Sebastian was the first to speak up yet again, though they were both quite surprised by the words that came out of his mouth.

“I think you need to break up with Blaine.” Kurt did a double take, looking at Sebastian with a shocked expression. After a moment, his expression softened. He sighed, knowing that Sebastian was right.

“I do, don’t I?” Kurt looked a bit defeated, staring down at his lap and holding the empty coffee cup. Sebastian placed a hand on Kurt’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze and trying not to wince at how bony it was. 

“It’s for the best, Kurt. I’ve seen how he talks to you, it’s unacceptable. Honestly, you deserve so much better.” Kurt’s frown deepened. 

“I guess, but he’s right. He’s the only guy that would be interested in me.” Sebastian offered a weak smile.

“I can assure you that’s not true. Besides, I know that the Warblers would support you, because, if I’m not mistaken, they’ve been telling you the same thing,” he mused. Kurt forced a laugh, shrugging his shoulders harshly. 

“Yeah, it’s gotten a little annoying, if I’m completely honest.” Sebastian paused, trying to decide whether or not it would be appropriate to ask the question he really wanted to ask. Eventually, he decided to go for it 

“Hey, Kurt?” 

“Yes?” Sebastian licked his lips slightly, thinking of the best way to phrase it.

“You said that the other Warblers had told you to break up with Blaine too. Why… Why was I the one who was able to convince you?” Kurt froze. He didn’t exactly know himself, so that question caught him off guard. Eventually, he glanced up at Sebastian and replied.

“I don’t know. I guess I trust you? Maybe it’s dumb, but I do, and I trust your judgement with this,” Kurt shrugged yet again. Sebastian was a bit touched by this, and smiled. 

“Thanks. And for what it’s worth, I trust you too.” Kurt returned the smile, feeling his heart swell slightly. His smile faltered, however, when he remembered that he would have to break up with Blaine, and he moved to run a hand through his hair. He stopped upon the realization that a good bit would probably fall out if he did that, so he settled on nervously bouncing his knee. 

“I should probably do it before breakfast,” he murmured, “so I don’t have to go through the whole day like that.” Sebastian nodded in understanding.

“Would you like me to be there for it?” Kurt shook his head rapidly, thinking of how angry Blaine could get.

“Thank you, but I think that would make it worse. Blaine has a tendency to lash out when hurt, I don’t want you to be in the way,” he laughed, though a bit nervous. This did nothing to console Sebastian, but he wanted to respect Kurt’s wishes, so he nodded. 

When it was time for breakfast, Kurt and Sebastian parted, Sebastian wishing his friend the best of luck in what he was about to do. Kurt managed to pull Blaine aside, who seemed to be in a decent mood. This made everything a lot harder, but he knew that he had to do this. 

“Blaine, um- I’ve been thinking a lot recently about us, and our relationship, and uh- well, I feel like sometimes you say some things that are intentionally hurtful, and you can be really manipulative at times. So, I’ve been thinking, and I think we need to break up.” Kurt said this all very quickly, his eyes scanning Blaine’s face for any trace of upset. 

It took Blaine a moment to process, and when he did, he looked both upset and hurt. 

“It’s Sebastian, isn’t it? That asshole tempted you and you cheated on me, is that it?” Kurt sighed in annoyance.

“No, Blaine, Sebastian and I are just friends. I would offer the standard ‘it’s not you it’s me,’ but honestly, it is you! You treated me horribly. The second we started dating, you became a new person who made all sorts of backhanded comments designed to chip away at my self esteem. I can’t take it anymore, Blaine, I’m not going to stay in a relationship without a mutual sense of respect.” Blaine frowned, choosing to ignore the first few comments in focus of the last one. 

“But I do respect you! I respect you tons!” Kurt was silent for a moment, looking at Blaine in clear upset. 

“Well I don’t think I respect you anymore,” he said this a bit hesitantly, but his message remained clear. Before Blaine could start making rude comments or convince Kurt to stay, he decided it would be best to leave. Besides, he felt like he was going to cry, and he didn’t want to do it in front of Blaine. 

He quickly turned around and walked back up to his dorm, pacing back and forth anxiously. Kurt felt like he was going to be sick, though there wasn’t much on his stomach for him to get rid of. This was one of the times where he was questioning whether or not he was truly in control of his eating. He so desperately wanted to believe he was, but at times like this, he couldn’t help but wonder. He noticed a bag of chips on a dresser and quickly picked it up, desperate to prove himself wrong. He could eat whenever he wanted, he was just choosing not to!

Kurt shakily opened the bag, doing his best to swallow the feeling of terror overwhelming his senses. He reached in, every part of his mind screaming not to, and he held the chip up to his mouth, staring at it. Kurt must have stared at the chip for five minutes, unable to actually put it in his mouth. He felt like screaming, he couldn’t do it. Kurt threw the bag of chips, watching as it hit the wall and scattered on the floor. Kurt felt like a spectator in his own body. He could hear himself crying, he could feel himself shaking, but it most certainly didn’t feel like it was him. He rubbed at his face, rocking back and forth in a weak attempt to calm himself down. 

Kurt couldn’t look at the food on the floor, it just reminded him how out of control he was. He knew he needed help, but he was too scared to get it. There was Jeff, he would be super sweet about it. Or Nick, who would be quiet yet understanding. He could talk to Sebastian, who, by now, had proven himself trustworthy. Kurt wanted to run downstairs and fling himself into the arms of one of his friends, he wanted to explain everything that was going on and how he felt, but he knew he couldn’t. Kurt knew that he wasn’t strong enough, and these were the consequences. Kurt knew he would have to live like this, no matter how awful. 

Kurt looked at the clock and saw that he would have to be in class soon. He did his best to compose himself, though he thought he would be sick as he cleaned up the chips. He made a mental note to buy Jeff another bag, splashing some water onto his face in an effort to look a bit more put together. This didn’t exactly work, and it was very obvious that he had been crying, but Kurt was at a point where he didn’t care; nothing mattered. 

He dragged himself to class, ignoring the people who asked him if he was alright, and opened his textbook, staring at it blankly. He made it through most of the day in a daze, conveniently dodging Sebastian whenever he noticed him. At the end of the day, Kurt realized he had to go to Warblers practice. His heart dropped, as he knew everyone would be there asking him what was wrong. Worse, Blaine would be there. 

Fortunately, Sebastian seemed to know he would be concerned, as he was waiting outside of Kurt’s last class in a rather gentlemanly fashion. Kurt couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him, though he wasn’t completely sure he was allowed to do that just yet. Sebastian nodded his head once in greeting, offering a gentle smile. 

“How did it go?” Kurt just shrugged, suddenly quite interested in his shoes. Sebastian seemed to realize that he didn’t want to talk about it and nodded. 

“I’ll keep the Warblers off your back,” he assured him. Kurt smiled gratefully, keeping by his side as they walked to practice. When they walked in together, the whole room went silent. Kurt must have had a panicked expression on his face, because Wes quickly spoke up, pulling attention from the pair.

“Alright, Warblers! On today’s agenda, we have costume fittings! The council and I were talking, and we decided to shake things up a bit and wear navy blue blazers instead of denim blue blazers!” Outrage rippled through the room, but Wes banged his gavel against the table.

“Order! I know this may seem like a shock, but I think your minds will be changed once you see the new blazers! David, will you come out?” David strolled out in his blazer, to which all of the Warblers applauded and cheered. Finally, Thad spoke up. 

“This is acceptable,” he remarked, smiling. The rest of the Warblers cheered; that was Warbler speak for incredible. As they began the fittings, Kurt was in an animated conversation with Sebastian, not noticing how exactly they did it. When his name was finally called, he spun around and immediately paled.

“If you would step on the scale, Warbler,” said David cheerfully. Kurt looked between David and the scale with wide eyes. 

“I’m not stepping on that scale,” he whispered, clearly panicking. Everyone looked at Kurt in concern, and he shook his head, blinking back tears.

“Um, Kurt,” whispered Jeff, “You kind of have to.” Kurt shook his head a bit more frantically, starting to feel a bit faint. His breathing began to pick up, and he felt the eyes of the other Warblers on him. Sebastian spoke up.

“Why can’t we just guess his size. You shouldn’t make him-” David interrupted.

“It’s Warbler protocol, Sebastian, know your place. Kurt, just step on the scale, it’s not that big a-” Kurt burst into tears, much to the alarm of the other Warblers. Sebastian tried to step forward to comfort him, but another Warbler held him back, shaking his head. 

Kurt, finally coming to his senses, bolted out of the room and soon found himself hyperventilating in a stairwell. The echoing sounds of his heavy breathing throughout the stairwell seemed to make everything much worse, but it was the most secluded place he could find. Unfortunately, Jeff was already looking for him. 

After an amount of time unknown to Kurt, he felt Jeff’s hands on his shoulders. He flinched away violently, shaking his head. 

“Kurt-”

“You can’t make me,” he panted, running his hands through his hair, quite a bit coming out, “You-You can’t make me, I’ll- I’ll- I’ll quit!” He cried. Jeff found this incredibly alarming. 

“Kurt, shh, it’s alright! We won’t make you! I didn’t realize it was this important to you, okay? Just breathe, like this, listen?” Jeff inhaled and exhaled slowly, but this didn’t seem to console Kurt at all, who just buried his face in his knees, which were hugged tightly to his chest. Jeff didn’t know what to do, sighing in slight frustration.

“Alright, um… Stay here, I’m going to get Nick,” he said, running off to get his boyfriend. When they came back, Kurt hadn’t improved at all, and Nick got down on his knees in front of Kurt. 

“Kurt, can you look at me?” Kurt didn’t lift his head, or even acknowledge that he knew Nick was there. “Kurt, it’s Nick. Can you match my breathing?” Nick took the same large breaths that Jeff had earlier, but nothing seemed to be working. 

* * *

Sebastian paced back and forth in the practice room as Wes scolded an apologetic looking David. Nick had told him not to follow Jeff, but neither of them had come back, and Sebastian had a feeling that things weren’t going well. He heard all of the Warblers gossiping and exchanging worried theories as to why Kurt had reacted like that, and finally, he snapped.

“Can everyone just shut up-?” Sebastian yelled, “Just- stop,” he stormed out of the room, going to find his friend. He eventually found Kurt, Nick and Jeff trying to calm him down. When Nick saw Sebastian, he rolled his eyes. 

“Come on, Sebastian, now isn’t the time-” Sebastian interrupted him.

“Shut it,” He immediately knelt down in front of Kurt, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Kurt, it’s Sebastian, can you look up at me?” After a moment, Kurt reluctantly peeked up, tears streaming down his face. “Good, can I hold your hands?” Kurt gave a jerky nod, and Sebastian carefully pried them from their position across his knees, taking them in his own. “Alright, now I want you to match my breathing. Don’t look at them, or anything else, just focus on me, okay?” Sebastian slowed his breathing, nodding for Kurt to follow. Eventually, Sebastian had gotten him to calm down considerably. Kurt, reduced to soft sobs, hugged Sebastian tightly. Sebastian, a bit surprised, returned the hug, rubbing his back in a comforting manner. 

Nick and Jeff looked at each other, completely shocked. By the time Kurt had calmed down completely, Sebastian pulled back from the hug just enough to ask. 

“Do you want me to take you back to my dorm? We can just chill in there, I’ll ask Skylar to find somewhere else to stay so that you have a quiet place to relax,” he offered. Kurt shook his head. 

“I- I need to go back. I just- can’t get on the scale. Please don’t make me,” he breathed. Sebastian nodded.

“No one is going to make you do anything, Kurt. I’ll have your friends go in and talk to the council so that you don’t have to. Deal?” Kurt thought about it for a moment before nodding. Sebastian gestured for Nick and Jeff to go and talk to the council, and they promptly scurried off. 

Sebastian sat next to Kurt, who leaned into his side. He wrapped an arm around the boy protectively, thinking about what to say. 

“You know,” he said cautiously, “No one in the Warblers is going to judge you. If they did, I’d beat their ass.” Kurt felt a small smile playing at the corner of his lips and he wiped his eyes, nodding quickly. 

“Thanks, ‘Bastian.” Sebastian felt his heart melt at the nickname, and he nodded. 

“Just tell me when you’re ready to go back in there and I’ll take you.” Kurt nodded again. 

“Can we just stay like this for a few minutes? Please?” Sebastian nodded again.

“Of course.” They sat like that in silence for a few more minutes before Kurt spoke up. 

“Okay, I think I’m ready,” he whispered. Sebastian helped him up, and they walked to the practice room. Sebastian paused in front of the door, looking at Kurt.

“And you’re sure you’re up for this?” Kurt nodded, and Sebastian led him inside. Jeff and Nick had already instructed the Warblers to just stay calm and not ask questions, so the Warblers acted as normal. Kurt wasn’t sure if he appreciated this or not, but he was at least glad to not be bombarded with questions. He was feeling incredibly faint, and didn’t know if he would be able to hold real conversation. Luckily, they just finished the fittings, not calling Kurt up again.

After practice, as Kurt stood up to leave, he felt his legs tremble, threatening to give way. The edges of his vision darkened, and his face paled as he grabbed onto the arm of one of the couches. The world seemed to move in slow motion as he fell, seeing Sebastian run toward him. He vaguely heard Nick calling his name, but couldn’t register anything else, and he was out before he hit the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and tell me what you think! I love hearing from you guys!  
> Cherie x


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally happening!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for eating disorders, also numbers mentioned, specifically weights.

When Kurt hit the ground, the whole room burst into commotion. Sebastian shook him gently, trying to get him to wake up, and panicking when he didn’t. 

“Someone call the nurse!” He yelled as Wes came up quickly, trying to fan him off. 

“David, go get the wheelchair from the nurse. Jeff, take off his blazer. Trent, can you bring me a glass of water?” Wes sprang into action, and Sebastian cradled Kurt in his arms, whispering and pleading with him to wake up. Jeff started pulling off his jacket, but froze as he saw how thin Kurt had gotten. He and Sebastian shared a look, and they looked at Wes, who gestured for them to keep the blazer on to save him from embarrassment. 

Kurt began to stir. As his eyes opened, he squinted, feeling as though he would be sick. His head was pounding, and his heart beat in such a fashion that frightened him. He saw all the Warblers looking at him and felt rather embarrassed. Kurt didn’t have too much time to process this embarrassment though, as he soon realized he was going to be sick. He weakly reached for a trashcan a few feet away, which Jeff hurriedly brought to him. 

Kurt began dry heaving into the trash can, coughing weakly. Since there was nothing on his stomach, all that came up was bile, but it was still humiliating to him. He couldn’t figure out when it had gotten so bad. 

David came in with the wheelchair, and Kurt vaguely noticed Sebastian and Wes helping him into the wheelchair. His eyelids drooped a bit, and he began shivering intensely. The rest of the Warblers looked worried, and Wes called out. 

“Jeff, David, Nick, Trent, and Sebastian, you can come. Everyone else, practice is over, go to your dormitories!” He turned to David, “Come on, we have to get him to the nurse.” Kurt’s head shot up at this, the sudden motion making his head spin and his stomach lurch.

“I- I don’t need to go to the nurse, my dad has heart problems, I can’t-” Sebastian cut him off, worry evident in his face. 

“Kurt, this has gone on long enough, we’re taking you to the nurse.” Kurt knew he was right and didn’t argue. He wished he had just taken Sebastian up on his offer to stay in a dorm and relax. None of this would be happening! When he was wheeled into the nurse’s office, Wes explained how he had fainted, and Kurt just stared at his lap in shame. The nurse walked up to him with a frown on her face, feeling his forehead. 

“Aw, hon. You do feel a bit clammy, why don’t we lie you down, okay?” She gingerly helped him stand up and guided him to sit down on one of the beds. Kurt smiled weakly, thanking her and quickly making up an excuse. 

“I’m anemic, so it happens sometimes when I stand up too fast, I promise I’ll be alright. You guys are worrying over nothing,” Kurt lied easily, though his heart was racing. The small woman surveyed him, not completely sure if she believed him or not. The other boys in the room looked at each other in confusion as the nurse went into her office. 

“Alright, sweetie, let me just get you some orange juice and crackers to chew on, hopefully that helps a bit with that,” she cooed. The woman brought him a small cup of orange juice and a couple crackers on a plate, handing them to Kurt before walking back to her office and beginning to type something. 

Kurt watched her leave. He was very aware of the other boys in the room, but he knew that he couldn’t drink the juice, let alone eat the crackers. He quickly scooted over on the bed toward the window, opening it and frantically dumping out the juice. The Warblers watched in mounting concern as he began crumbling up the crackers. 

“Kurt, don’t you think you should-” Kurt swept the cracker crumbs off of the plate and out the window, carefully shutting the window and meticulously arranging the few remaining crumbs on the plate. He set it down, avoiding eye contact with his friends, who were quite clearly worried out of their minds. It was finally setting in for them, the pieces were beginning to fall into place as they realized that Kurt had a serious problem. Kurt, however, had more important things to worry about, as he chewed his lip anxiously and tried to figure out how to keep the nurse from calling his father. 

Glancing at the nurse in the other room, Wes was the first to step forward, walking to Kurt and kneeling down in front of the bed with a sad expression on his face. 

“Kurt, I had no idea it was this bad… When I heard you the other day, I just thought- I don’t know… Kurt, you have a serious problem,” he whispered. Kurt frantically shook his head. 

“No, I promise you, everything is fine! I don’t have a problem, I have everything under control! You don’t have to worry about me-” Kurt put on a painfully fake smile, “-because I’m fine!” Wes just looked down, shaking his head. 

David was the next to come up, smiling weakly and ruffling Kurt’s hair. 

“Hang in there, K-” he grimaced and pulled his hand back, noticing how the boy’s hair came out in large clumps. Jeff burst into tears, turning away from Kurt to bury his face in Nick’s shoulder. Kurt felt horrible, just staring at his lap. He hated how he was the one making his friends feel like this, but he knew he couldn’t stop. He was so close.

Wes and David left, and Trent was the next person to come up to him. He looked at Kurt with that same sad expression he hated so much. Kurt glanced up, but quickly looked away, his face burning. 

“I really hope you get help, Kurt,” he whispered before following Wes and David out. Nick and Jeff came up to him next, Jeff still clutching onto Nick tightly with tears in his eyes. He looked at Kurt with a fierce sort of affection. 

“Kurtie, why didn’t you tell me..?” Jeff let go of Nick and hugged Kurt again. He pulled back quickly. “He’s so thin, Nick, he’s so thin-” Jeff burst into tears all over again. “Kurt, listen to me, I love you so much! Why are you doing this to yourself? Please, just stop this!” 

Kurt felt as though he was going to cry. Nick gently shushed Jeff, pulling Kurt in for a gentler hug and whispering to him. 

“A lot of people care about you, Kurt. I hope you see that before it’s too late.” Kurt didn’t return the hug, so overwhelmed with shame that he wished the ground could open up and swallow him whole. He led the crying Jeff out, jaw clenched tightly to hold back his own tears. 

This just left Sebastian, who stood there with an unreadable expression, hands stuffed in his pockets. Kurt sighed, seeing him just standing there out of the corner of his eye. He looked up.

“What? Aren’t you going to lecture me too?” Sebastian shrugged a bit. 

“I would, but that’s not what you need, is it?” He walked over, sitting next to Kurt. “Just- I don’t get it. Why?” 

“Why what?”

“You know what I mean, Kurt, don’t play dumb.” Kurt stared at his lap again. He shrugged his shoulders. Sebastian realized that he wasn’t going to get an answer out of Kurt anytime soon and sighed. “I really think you should get help, Kurt. This is really dangerous, but you know that.” Sebastian rubbed his cheek, glancing at the boy. “If you couldn’t tell, Kurt, you are so incredibly loved, by so many people. I’ll leave you alone now, but please don’t ever forget that.” Sebastian stood up to leave, but Kurt’s hand shot out to grab his wrist, surprising the both of them.

“Please stay,” Kurt said, hating how weak he sounded. “I mean- I don’t really want to be alone right now, and it sounds dumb, but I like being around you, it’s calming, I guess.” Sebastian paused, but nodded and sat back down. Kurt didn’t let go of Sebastian’s wrist, craving the physical contact. Sebastian adjusted their hands slightly so that he could hold Kurt’s hand, surprised at how nice it felt. 

They sat like that for a few minutes before the nurse came back in. 

“Alright. Mr. Hummel, is it? I can do two things. I can either call your mother and have her pick you up if you still feel poorly, or I can just recommend you take it easy for the next day or so. If you like, I can give you a pass excusing you from Warblers rehearsal tomorrow. Those boys seemed awful worried about you, so I’d recommend it. If not for your sake, then for theirs!” 

“My mom is dead, so I guess I’ll just miss Warblers tomorrow,” he shrugged. Sebastian and the nurse both looked shocked, both at the news and at his nonchalance.

“Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! I shouldn’t have just assumed. I can call your father instead if you like. Is he- Is he alive?” she asked hesitantly. Kurt chuckled slightly, though he looked a bit sad.

“It’s alright. And yes, my father is alive. Still, I’ll be alright. He has heart problems, I wouldn’t want to worry him,” replied Kurt. The nurse nodded apologetically. 

“Again, I’m sorry. I hope you feel better, and I’ll write you a note excusing you. If you need excusing from any of your other classes tomorrow, just come see me and I’ll take care of you!” She checked her watch. “Go ahead and have your boyfriend take you to dinner, you might want to eat a little something more for your blood sugar! Just let me know if you need anything else!” Kurt smiled, assuring her that he would be fine before he left with Sebastian. 

The first thing Sebastian noticed was how Kurt didn’t exactly correct her when she called him his boyfriend. Sebastian didn’t understand why it made him feel so warm inside, but he decided that he liked it. When they left, he turned to Kurt. 

“If you don’t want to go to dinner, it’s alright.” Kurt shook his head. 

“I might as well go. I feel like people would be even more worried if I’m not there.” Sebastian was a bit surprised, but he nodded. He took Kurt to the dining hall, and the first thing they noticed was how everyone was looking at Kurt in concern. The news must have already spread, and Kurt hated it. He shakily picked out an apple, trying to ignore all of the eyes on him. 

He felt Sebastian’s hand on his back, guiding him to an empty table. 

“Come on, we can sit alone so that people won’t be staring as much.” Kurt was grateful, and he sat down with his apple. He set the apple on the plate and carefully cut it into slices. He then cut the slices into smaller and smaller pieces until it began to resemble applesauce. He began eating the apple slowly, counting each bite and bouncing his leg. He took a sip of water in between each bite and set down his cutlery. He had eaten about half of the apple when he looked up. He noticed about half of the dining hall staring at him. He was already quite anxious, but something in him just snapped, and he stood up. 

“Can everyone just stop fucking looking at me?!” He yelled, surprising everyone in the dining hall. Kurt rarely cursed, often calling it “undignified,” so this was quite a shock. Kurt stormed off, and Sebastian blinked before quickly jogging after him.

“Kurt!” Kurt ignored him, going to his dorm and locking the door. Sebastian started knocking, calling his name. Kurt didn’t answer him, opting to pretend he wasn’t there as he changed quickly. Sebastian eventually gave up with his knocking and chose to sit down next to the door until Kurt came out. 

Kurt eventually opened the door and walked out in his running clothes; baggy sweatpants, a tank top, and a sweater. He walked downstairs quickly with his water bottle, ignoring Sebastian calling after him as he headed for the track. He got there and began running, only able to think about burning off the calories he had eaten. Sebastian tried to run after him, but gave up after a lap or two, choosing to text Nick and Jeff to tell them to get out there. 

When they arrived, Kurt was still running, and Sebastian explained the situation to them, nearly in hysterics. He was a bit scared that Kurt was going to have a heart attack or something. They all called for Kurt, and he continued to ignore them, so when he ran close to them, they managed to intercept him, Sebastian and Nick holding him tightly so that he couldn’t keep running. 

Kurt burst into tears, struggling against the boys and trying to keep running. 

“No! Let me go!” He cried, straining against his friends, “I need to run!” Sebastian shook his head quickly, while Jeff rubbed his face.

“Kurt, you’re scaring me! I’ll- I’ll call Burt!” Kurt paled and immediately stopped struggling. 

“Nonono, you can’t call my dad, his heart! Please, I’ll do whatever you want!” Kurt’s mind raced. “Do you want me to do your homework? Or money, I can give you money! Please, just don’t tell my dad!” 

Jeff’s heart broke, and Sebastian and Nick’s grip relaxed on him. Kurt’s legs wobbled dangerously, and Sebastian kept one arm around his waist to keep him steady. 

“Kurt,” he breathed, “I just want you to be healthy.” Kurt looked at him, face stone cold. 

“Can’t you see? I am healthy. This is the best I’ve ever felt.” Even Kurt didn’t believe his own words. He was terrified, he went to sleep at night wondering if he would wake up the next morning. Honestly, Kurt wanted to be better more than he had ever wanted anything, but he was so scared. Nick finally spoke up. 

“I know you don’t believe that, Kurt. We’re serious about this. Come on, I’m going to take off your sweater-” Kurt tensed. 

“Stop!” He said this a bit louder than he had intended. Kurt sighed. “Can- Can Sebastian do it…?” Sebastian was a bit surprised at this, but he obliged. Nick stepped aside, and Sebastian slipped off the sweater, leaving Kurt in his tank top. Kurt looked incredibly defeated, and his friends looked a bit frightened at their friend’s emaciated figure. After a moment of quiet that felt a lot longer than it actually was, Jeff broke the silence. 

“We’re going to take you back up to the dorm. Blaine is staying with someone else tonight, so it’ll just be us.” Kurt nodded in defeat, keeping his eyes on the ground as they led him inside. Everyone who saw him looked quite frightened at just how thin he was, and Kurt hated how good it made him feel. When they got back up to the dorms, Jeff and Nick agreed to let him talk to Sebastian for a few minutes. 

They sat on his bed, Kurt leaning into his side as Sebastian wrapped an arm around him. 

“‘Bastian?”

“Yeah?” Kurt was quiet for a long time. 

“I need help, don’t I?” Sebastian frowned, just hugging him tighter. 

“Yeah, Kurt, you do.” Kurt stayed quiet, and Sebastian looked down to see him crying, which broke his heart. 

“I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow, I’ll take you to Lima, and we can talk to Carole or someone. I promise that I’ll be with you every step of the way.” Kurt nodded, wiping his eyes. 

“Alright.” Sebastian paused, trying to think of whether or not he should ask the question he wanted to ask. Eventually, he decided to go for it. 

“Kurt?”

“Yeah?”

“How much do you weigh?” Kurt inhaled sharply, tensing a bit. Sebastian immediately felt bad.

“Shit, sorry. That’s personal. Forget I asked-” Kurt shook his head. 

“No, it’s okay, I get it. I guess- I guess I should just show you.” Kurt shakily got up, pulling out two scales from in between his mattress and box spring. He looked between them both before deciding on one, sliding the other back into its place. He set it on the ground, looking up at Sebastian with a look of uncertainty. Sebastian nodded encouragingly. 

Kurt stepped on the scale, standing rigidly and squeezing his eyes tightly shut as he waited for it to settle on a number. When he opened his eyes and looked down, he exhaled harshly, shaking his head and gesturing toward the scale so Sebastian could look.

**_86.7 lbs._ **

Sebastian winced at just how low the number was and looked at Kurt, who had his arms wrapped around himself and looked to yet again be on the verge of tears. Sebastian felt himself about to cry, though for different reasons than Kurt. 

“Oh, Kurt…” he muttered, and Kurt sighed. 

“I know,” was all he said. Sebastian walked up behind Kurt and enveloped him in yet another hug. 

“Everything is going to be okay,” whispered Sebastian, though to be honest, he wasn’t quite so sure. 

* * *

That night, Sebastian told Jeff and Nick about how Kurt had agreed to get help, which, upon hearing, they were quite relieved. While Sebastian was outside having the conversation with Nick and Jeff, Kurt realized he had a phone call to make.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Santana? This is Kurt. I- um… I thought about what you said a lot, and… I’m going to get help,” he mumbled into the phone. 

“ ¡Ay! ¡Gracias a Dios por eso!” she exclaimed.

“Um, a lot happened, and I’m coming to Lima tomorrow to talk to my dad.” Santana smiled in relief, though she paused. 

“How much do you weigh?” Kurt was quiet for a long time.

“A hundred-ten pounds.” 

“Uh-huh. I’m going to ask again. How much do you weigh?”

“...eighty six point seven.”

“Jesus… Well, I’m really proud of you for doing this. If you need  _ anything _ , please call me, deal?”

“Deal.” They exchanged their goodbyes, Santana repeatedly telling him how proud she was and how brave he was for doing this. He agreed to swing by the school before going home and hung up, feeling at least a bit lighter than before.

That night, Jeff and Nick didn’t say much to him, just giving him more hugs and telling them how much they loved him. When Sebastian tried to go back to his own dorm for the night, Kurt insisted he stay, and that night, Sebastian found himself sleeping in Blaine’s empty bed.

* * *

At around two in the morning, Sebastian woke up to a squeaking sound. He glanced over to see movement, squinting a bit and groggily rubbing his eyes. After a few moments more, he was able to discern the moving figure as Kurt doing rapid sit-ups in his bed. He sighed, getting out of bed and climbing in next to Kurt.

“Sebastian, stop. I’m okay, really, just let me-” Sebastian shushed him, just wrapping an arm around him and laying down. Surprisingly, Kurt didn’t fight it, staying still and eventually falling asleep in Sebastian’s arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He finally admitted he had a problem! I know that you guys have been wanting this, and it was really important that he hit that low point before he admitted it to himself. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and have been enjoying this story! Please leave comments telling me what you think, I love hearing from you guys!   
> Cherie x


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sweet moment before things get harder, and some difficult discussions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating sooner! I was busy and couldn't get it out last night!

When Kurt woke up the next morning, he found himself wrapped in Sebastian’s arms. He was quite confused, and quickly extracted himself before Sebastian woke up and was disgusted with how fat he was. As the events of the night previous came flooding back to him, Kurt suddenly felt as though he couldn’t breathe. Seeing as he was the first one up, he quickly got changed, doing his best to keep calm. He realized he would have to talk to the counselor about being excused from classes, and was overcome with the same sense of dread that he had become so accustomed to. 

Kurt slipped on his tennis shoes, preparing to go for a run as Sebastian woke up. He looked over at Kurt, realizing what he wanted to do and quickly clambering out of the bed. 

“Hey, Kurt- Why don’t we get coffee and watch the sunrise, huh?” Kurt frowned, looking up at him. Seeing the look on Sebastian’s face, he realized he wasn’t going to be able to run, so he nodded resignedly. 

“Yeah, sure.” Sebastian smiled. 

“I’ll meet you downstairs, okay? I need to get some new clothes on-” Kurt nodded. He gave Sebastian a hug, surprising the both of them. Sebastian hugged back though, pressing a protective kiss into Kurt’s hair. “You text me if anyone bothers you, okay? I’ll be right down.”

Kurt scribbled a note to Niff and walked down to the common room, waiting for Sebastian. He was quite grateful that no one was up yet, as he wasn’t exactly prepared for the relentless questioning he knew was to come. When Sebastian came down, they walked in silence to the coffee shop. Sebastian got some sort of tea blend, while Kurt got his usual black coffee. Kurt almost ordered a blueberry muffin for Blaine out of instinct, but stopped himself as he remembered. He wasn’t sure if he was saddened or relieved. 

As they walked back to the school, Kurt began to shiver slightly. It wasn’t exactly cold out, but Kurt found himself to be cold most of the time. 

“Are you cold?” Kurt shook his head, looking away to hide his chattering teeth. 

“No, I’m fine,” he muttered. Sebastian sighed, wrapping an arm around Kurt and pulling the boy into his side. 

“You have got to stop saying that,” he whispered. Kurt suddenly felt much warmer, though he wasn’t sure if it was because of Sebastian’s body heat or if it was just because of Sebastian. 

“Thanks, ‘Bastian.” They walked into the library and sat on the couch, though much closer than usual. While there were normally a few inches between them, this time, they sat with their thighs touching. After a few minutes, Kurt rested his head on Sebastian’s shoulder, fingers wrapped around his coffee cup for warmth. 

Sebastian noticed how Kurt gripped the cup. With a bit of uncertainty, he reached over, gently prying one of Kurt’s hands off of the cup and holding it between his own. He rubbed the boy’s hand in between his, hesitantly bringing it up to his lips, and breathing hot air onto it. While it may have been a normal gesture, it felt shockingly intimate to the two, and Kurt couldn’t help the light flush that rose to his cheeks. He soon found that he was looking more at Sebastian than the rising sun, and when the sun had risen, Sebastian looked back at him, pressing a kiss to one of Kurt’s knuckles and releasing his hand with a smile. 

“Better?” Kurt’s heart pounded in his chest, and he set his coffee cup down. 

“Better,” He smiled. He paused for a minute, glancing up at the other boy and wetting his lips slightly. “The sunrise is pretty,” he murmured. 

Sebastian nodded, a bit confused by the way he was feeling. 

“It is,” he replied, not looking away from Kurt. He suddenly felt himself inexplicably drawn to the boy, and he was feeling an overwhelming desire to kiss him. Sebastian was usually so sure of himself, so confident when it came to flirting. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why this was any different! Part of him wanted to just go for it, but Sebastian didn’t want to frighten the boy. 

Instead, he grabbed Kurt’s other hand, beginning to warm it in the same way he had his other. He focused on this, hoping that his heartbeat would slow if he focused solely on the task. Occasionally it would, but whenever he glanced back to Kurt and saw his wonder-filled expression, it sped right back up. 

At some point, Sebastian had grabbed both of his hands, looking straight into his eyes. He was vaguely aware of himself leaning in, Kurt doing the same. Just before their lips connected though, the library doors swung open, and the two boys jumped apart. They were suddenly on opposite sides of the couch, faces flushed as they focused on sipping their drinks. 

When they finally looked to see who it was, they saw Jeff. Sebastian spoke up.

“How did you-”

“Kurt left a note. I just wanted to let you guys know that people might be getting up soon,” he turned to Kurt, “I thought you might want to avoid the questioning.” Kurt nodded gratefully. He stood up, swaying a bit and pressing a hand to his temple to try and clear the spots from his vision. 

He led Sebastian out, following Jeff up to their room. They all sat, no one wanting to break the silence. Eventually, Nick spoke up. 

“So Jeff and I were talking, and we wanted to know if you wanted us to come back with you to Lima?” Kurt was quiet. He felt embarrassed enough, he didn’t want  _ everyone  _ with him. 

“I- I think it’s better if you guys don’t come. I’m sorry, but I think this is my battle to fight,” he mumbled. They nodded in understanding, and Jeff smiled. 

“Kurt, listen. We aren’t upset, we just want you to get better.” Kurt nodded before turning to Sebastian. 

“I really just want ‘Bastian to be there… I don’t think I can do it without you,” he breathed. Sebastian was a bit surprised, but he nodded. 

“I promise you, I won’t leave your side.” Nick and Jeff exchanged a knowing look, but remained silent. It wasn’t the time. Kurt sighed a bit. 

“I guess we should go soon. Nick, Jeff, will you talk to the Warblers? Or maybe talk to Wes, and have him talk to the Warblers?” 

“Of course. We’re going to go to breakfast. You’ll probably be gone by the time we get back, so I’m going to hug you now.” Nick pulled Kurt in for a gentle hug, whispering wishes of good luck. When he pulled back, Kurt saw Jeff standing there with tears in his eyes. Jeff hugged him fiercely. 

“I love you, Kurtie, don’t ever forget that.” 

___________________________

Sebastian and Kurt packed overnight bags, unsure of how long they would be staying in Lima. As they rode in the car, the mood was quite somber. Kurt was scared, and Sebastian didn’t know what to say. Sebastian, however, figured that he should at least say something. 

“I’m really proud of you for this, you know.” 

“You’ve told me like, eight times,” replied Kurt, though he smiled slightly. Even if it was a bit cheesy, it was still nice to hear. 

“I wanted to make sure it would stick-” hummed Sebastian, smiling a bit in response. They were quiet for a minute before he glanced quickly at Kurt. “McKinley high school, right?” Kurt nodded. 

“Yeah. If you want, you can stay in the car.” Sebastian quickly shook his head. 

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? I promised you I wouldn’t leave your side, and that’s a promise I intend to keep.” Kurt smiled, both at the statement and at how warm it made him feel. 

_______________________________

As they pulled into the school, Kurt tensed up, feeling rather shaky. He couldn’t help but remember all of the bad memories, though he knew he should probably have been focusing on the good ones. As they got out of the car and walked to where Santana had told him to meet her, Kurt couldn’t help but flinch as he saw a few jocks leaving football practice, hiding behind Sebastian. It was no use though, as they noticed him, snickering and striding over to where he stood. 

Sebastian looked between the larger boys in confusion and then back at Kurt. 

“Hey fairy boy, why don’t you come on out from behind your boyfriend? My fist has missed you lately.” Kurt was trembling slightly, stepping out from behind Sebastian, who opened his mouth, clearly about to say something. He shook his head at Sebastian and crossed his arms, looking at them. He was trying to look more confident than he felt, hoping they couldn’t see how he trembled. 

As the boys saw him, their faces fell. They looked at each other in confusion.

“What the fuck, he’s like a skeleton. Come on, he’s already fucked up enough as it is,” one of them muttered, walking off with the others in tow. 

Kurt visibly relaxed, and Sebastian looked both worried and angry. 

“What the hell, Kurt? You used to have to deal with that? Do you want me to go after them?” Kurt laughed a bit.

“That? That was nothing. That was tame compared to what I went through, I’ll be fine.” That did nothing to reassure Sebastian, but he nodded, figuring it would be better not to argue. He honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what Kurt had went through on the daily. 

When they neared the choir room, Kurt began to shake a bit more. He eventually stopped walking, feeling as though he was frozen in place. Sebastian wordlessly slipped Kurt’s hand into his own, giving it a small squeeze and hoping it would give Kurt enough strength to do this. 

Kurt relaxed slightly as he felt Sebastian’s hand in his own, finding a sense of comfort in the knowledge that the other boy was there. They walked into the choir room, seeing Santana and Coach Sylvester waiting for the two of them. Santana came over, embracing Kurt in a gentle hug. She glanced down at their interlocked hands.

“Careful, don’t want Blaine getting jealous,” she joked weakly. She honestly just wanted to help make the situation at least a tad lighter. Sebastian’s eyes immediately narrowed, his grip on Kurt’s hand tightening slightly as he muttered to himself in french.

“ _ That bastard can try, but I’ll rip his dick off if he says anything _ .” Kurt looked alarmed, responding to Sebastian in the same fluent French.

“ _ It’s alright, ‘Bastian, she doesn’t know. We can tell her a bit later. _ ” They conversed in French for a few more minutes, much to the bewilderment of the other two in the room. Kurt mostly wanted to make sure Sebastian didn’t say anything foolish. 

Santana cleared her throat, gesturing for the two of them to sit down. She glanced back at Sue for a moment before sitting down as well. She opened her mouth to speak, but Sue interrupted her. 

“Me first, Sandbags. I first want to say that I think it’s really good you’re doing this. I’m not the best at being nice to people, so if you tell anyone I said this, I will deny it, but I care about you, Porcelain. On this paper, I printed out the names and numbers of several doctors and treatment centers that specialize in this sort of thing. Let me know if you need help paying, and I will take care of it. Your health is my top priority, and I want to make sure you are in tip-top shape for when you inevitably come back to McKinley as head of the cheerios.” 

Kurt was a bit taken aback. He knew that this was Coach Sylvester’s own special brand of caring, but it still surprised him a bit. 

“Thank you,” he muttered, chewing on his bottom lip. Sue nodded curtly, turning to Santana, who looked just as surprised as Kurt. Clearly, the two had not coordinated. 

“Uh, yeah- What she said,” mumbled Santana. The room was quiet for a moment, everyone alternating between staring at each other and at their laps. Eventually, Sebastian got tired of it and broke the silence.

“This is great and all, but why exactly are we here?” 

“I thought you’d never ask,” replied Sue, “I can easily get you into a good program, but I do need to give you a slight checkup first.” Kurt looked confused and scared. 

“Are you even qualified to-” Sue cut him off. 

“Depends who you ask. Come on,” she stood up, leading them to her office where she had a scale and a notepad. Kurt knew better than to argue. Once they got there, Sue gestured for him to sit. Kurt was looking rather nervously at the scale, not liking where this was going. Sue followed his gaze and raised an eyebrow at Sebastian, who wrapped an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and sat him down. 

“First question. Have you fainted?” Kurt didn’t answer, playing awkwardly with a thread on his pants. He seemed a bit embarrassed, so Sue sighed. “Why don’t you just fill it out yourself? It’ll be easier on the both of us.” Kurt nodded slightly, though didn’t make a move to grab the notepad. Sebastian smiled gratefully at Sue, taking it and pressing it into Kurt’s trembling hands. 

“Thanks, Bas,” mumbled Kurt, taking the pen and beginning to fill it out. Sebastian knew that it wasn’t the time to be happy, but he couldn’t help how his heart leapt once he heard Kurt’s newest nickname for him. He watched Kurt fill it out, noticing how resigned he seemed. Sebastian wished that he could make everything better for the boy, though he knew it wasn’t that simple. He felt his heart drop as he watched Kurt falter upon reading a certain question. 

_ Have you had thoughts of suicide in the past week? _

Sebastian dreaded hearing the answer. The thought of Kurt suffering to this extent was something he didn’t want to imagine. He had to look away once he saw Kurt circle  _ yes.  _ His mind was racing; how could he have not noticed that his friend was in such a dark place? 

Sebastian must have lost track of his thoughts, as he snapped out of it when Kurt handed the notepad to Sue. She glanced over it quickly before looking back at Kurt. 

“Uh-huh... “ She walked over to the scale, fiddling with it a bit. “Would you mind taking off your shoes and stepping up here?” Kurt frowned, taking a deep breath and standing up. As he neared the scale, Santana spoke up. 

“Nice try, Lady, but take the weights out of your pockets. You aren’t fooling me.” Kurt visibly deflated, taking a weight out of the pocket of his sweater. Sebastian was confused; when did he put that in there? Santana raised an eyebrow. 

“All of them.” Kurt huffed, suddenly seeming quite cross. Sebastian was the only one who could tell that he was blinking back tears as he pulled a few coins out of each sock, as well as batteries from the hem of his shirt and pants. He set them down, and Sebastian looked at her in wonder. 

“I know all the tricks,” she replied, seeming to have read his mind. Kurt was shaking slightly as he stepped up on the scale. Sue fiddled with the notch for a moment and read the number, looking at him in shock.

“Jesus christ, Porcelain. How didn’t anyone notice this sooner? Eighty-Six point Nine.” Kurt looked at her, eyes widening. 

“Eighty-Six point  _ nine?! _ ” She nodded, and Kurt’s breathing picked up. He started shaking his head, beginning to run his hands through his hair and stepping off the scale, ignoring both everyone’s puzzled looks and the clumps of hair that came out. “I- how did I-” he burst into tears, eyes darting between the door and the others in the room. Sebastian, quickly realizing that he was about to run, wrapped his arms tightly around the boy. 

“It’s only point two pounds, Kurt, please don’t beat yourself up over this…” He whispered. Santana walked over, gently rubbing his back.

“Kurt, I would bet money on it being water weight, it doesn’t mean anything,” she said soothingly. Santana didn’t show this side of herself very often. Sebastian gently sat him down, pulling back slightly from the hug, but keeping a grip on his hand. Sue noticed how the boy was shaking like a leaf, trying to hide the tears flowing from his eyes. She sighed slightly, glancing one more time at the notepad before closing it. 

“I don’t think I need this, actually,” she muttered. “You know what your BMI is, don’t you?” Kurt nodded slightly, sniffling. 

“Twelve point five,” he mumbled. Sue nodded.

“And you know that your organs begin to shut down at thirteen point five, yes?” Kurt suddenly felt inexplicably angry at this. He jerked away from Sebastian.

“I don’t care! I keep hearing all these warnings, but I don’t care anymore. It doesn’t fucking matter!” He shouted, “I don’t want to get better anymore, I changed my mind, so if you could mind your own business again, that would be fan-fucking-tastic!” Sue didn’t look surprised in the slightest. She had honestly been expecting this reaction.

“Uh-huh,” she looked at him, thoroughly unamused. “If you don’t go talk to your parents, I’ll be calling them. If you keep doing this, you’re going to die.” Kurt shrugged. At this point, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep living. “I’ll give you a moment to think about it.” Sue got up and left. After she had gone, Kurt turned to look at Sebastian. 

“Sebastian? I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispered. Sebastian offered a weak smile.

“Kurt, trust me when I say you can. You are  _ so  _ strong, and I’ll be right here by your side. Got it?” Kurt nodded slowly, chewing his lip. 

Eventually, Sue came back in, trying to seem much less emotional than she was truly feeling. 

“Alright, if you call any of the places on the paper I gave you, they will have a place for you.” Kurt nodded, standing up to leave after receiving a long hug from Santana. As he was leaving, Sue stopped him, pulling the frail boy into a hug. 

“Good luck,” she whispered to him, much to the surprise of everyone. Kurt managed to stutter out some form of thanks. He got in the car with Sebastian, doing his best not to break down at the fear of confronting his parents and admitting he had a problem. The car ride was deathly silent, and when they finally pulled up to his house, Kurt realized he couldn’t move. Sebastian glanced over at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek and whispering in his ear. 

“You can do this,” he said. This seemed to give Kurt enough confidence to at least get out of the car and knock at the door. He let go of Sebastian’s hand, immediately missing the comfort. He found himself wishing for the contact as soon as his father opened the door with his usual goofy smile, and even more so when his smile fell upon seeing how skinny his son had gotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said Kurt would talk to Burt this chapter, but I wanted to include that sweet moment between Kurt and Sebastian at the beginning, so it will be next chapter. Please tell me what you think, I love reading your comments!  
> Cherie x


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt talks to his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for reference to suicide. Nothing too graphic, but I figured I would include it. Also, for eating disorders and panic attacks, but that is a given at this point.

Kurt stared up his dad, suddenly not sure what to say. He felt incredibly small. Burt’s mind was racing, he hardly recognized the boy. He ushered him inside, barely glancing at Sebastian. Carole and Finn were in the living room, and when Carole saw him, her face fell. She dropped the remote, staring at him with a hand raised to her mouth. This caused Finn to turn around, and he gasped. 

“Dude, how did it get worse,” he breathed, standing up and walking to Kurt, who was beginning to shake again. He pulled him into a hug, being overwhelmingly cautious. Kurt looked up at Sebastian, who offered him a reassuring smile, mouthing the words “you got this.” 

When Finn pulled back, he just looked at Kurt. 

“This has gone too far, you need to tell them or I will,” Finn tried to sound threatening, but he couldn’t help the way his voice wavered. Kurt finally found his voice.

“That’s what I’m here to do, Finn,” he whispered. Kurt looked up at his parents for a moment, hating the looks on their faces. “I-I needed to talk to you guys about something. Can you please sit?” Everyone immediately sat down, not wanting to upset him. The poor boy looked like he was about to cry. Kurt sat down, making sure Sebastian sat next to him. 

“This- um… This is really hard,” he whispered. “I hope you still love me after this, and I- I didn’t mean to hurt you, I never meant for any of this to go so far!” Kurt began to ramble, obviously scared out of his mind. Burt noticed the expression on his face; it reminded him of when Kurt came out to him, he looked terrified. Carole interrupted him.

“Kurt, please just tell us what’s going on, you’re so thin… You’re scaring us,” she whispered. Kurt paused.

“I have- I think I have-” he shook his head quickly, looking up at Sebastian. “I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I changed my mind.” Finn spoke up. 

“Kurt, you have to, okay? We all love you, please just tell them,” he pleaded. Kurt looked back at Sebastian, hoping for some kind of reassurance. Sebastian just slipped Kurt’s hand into his own, giving it a light squeeze. Kurt took a deep breath, allowing the words to come tumbling out. 

“I need help,” he whimpered, “I’m so scared-” that was all it took for Kurt to burst into tears, which prompted Sebastian to wrap an arm around him. “I can’t fucking eat anything, my hair is falling out, I’m always cold. I’ve passed out more times that I can count, my head always hurts, I’m always angry,” Kurt turned his pleading gaze to his father, voice barely above a whimper. “Daddy, it hurts,” he whispered, which broke Burt’s heart. Kurt hadn’t called him that since he was nine. What hurt even more was what he said next. 

“I don’t want to live anymore.” Sebastian’s grip tightened instinctively, and Carole tried to hide her tears. Burt couldn’t hide how his voice wavered as he asked his question. 

“Kurt, buddy… What’s going on…?” Kurt shook his head quickly, ripping his hand out of Sebastian’s to bury his face in his hands. 

“I can’t- I can’t-” Sebastian rubbed his back soothingly. He wanted to jump in and do this for Kurt, but he knew he couldn’t. This was between Kurt and his family, so he had to settle for trying his best to comfort him. 

“You can,” he said gently. Kurt sniffled, wiping his eyes. He refused to look at anyone, staring down at his lap as he said the words he had previously been too scared to even think. 

“I think...I think I have an eating disorder.” The room was silent. He finally risked a glance upwards, and the first thing he saw was that his dad was crying. This shocked him. His father had always been a rock in his life. His manly, tough-as-nails father was crying- over _ him _ . When no one said anything, Kurt spoke up again, voice somehow even weaker. 

“Dad? Daddy? Please say something…” Burt stood up, walking over and pulling his son up into a tight hug. 

“Kurt…” he whispered. Kurt didn’t know how to respond at first, but he hugged back weakly. “I love you so much, okay? We’re going to get you help, I promise…” Burt pulled back slightly, looking his son in the eyes. Kurt nodded slightly, wiping his eyes again. Burt’s hands found the hem of Kurt’s sweater, and he looked at him. “Can I see…?” Kurt jerked away, fresh tears brimming to his eyes. 

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t,” he whispered. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and suddenly felt as though he couldn’t breathe. “I-I need to go for a minute-” he gasped. Kurt practically bolted, and Sebastian quickly stood up to follow him. Burt stopped him, looking at him with slight hurt in his eyes. Carole was the one to follow Kurt.

“Thank you. I don’t know who you are, but you clearly mean a lot to my son, and the fact that you helped him do this says a lot. What’s your name?” Sebastian was a bit taken aback, but he looked at Burt. 

“Sebastian Smythe, sir.” Burt nodded. 

“You can call me Burt.” He stayed quiet for a moment, giving Finn time to get up. He looked a bit lost. 

“I’m Finn, Kurt’s stepbrother.” Burt interrupted him.

“Now hold on, Finn. You clearly knew about what was going on with Kurt. How did you find out?” Finn frowned, looking away. 

“I don’t know, he said not to-” Burt snapped slightly.

“Damn it, Finn, my son’s life is in danger! I know how you guys are with your secrets, but this is important!” Finn frowned. He would have argued, but he knew that Burt was right. He slowly told Burt and Sebastian what had happened the last time Kurt had come home, and they looked both saddened and horrified. The three of them were silent for a long time before Burt decided to break the silence.

“Finn, if something like that ever happens, please tell us…” Finn nodded. He already felt bad enough, and he wished he had told someone earlier. Kurt looked so terrible, and, in a way, he felt as though it were his fault. 

* * *

Carole hesitantly knocked on the door. When Kurt didn’t answer, she opened it, shocked to see him curled up on his bed and hyperventilating. 

“Kurt, honey…” she whispered, rushing over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he jerked away. 

“Kurt, just take deep breaths, okay? Is there anything I can do?” Kurt felt as though the world was falling down around him, and he could barely get the words out. 

“Get- Get Sebastian please-” he whimpered, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. She nodded quickly, assuming that Sebastian was the boy he had come with. She rushed out, seeing how the three men in the room were sitting in a somber sort of silence. 

“Sebastian?” Sebastian looked up. “He’s asking for you.” Sebastian frowned, standing up at once. 

“Is he having another panic attack?” Everyone in the room looked confused. 

“Does he have them often?” Sebastian just nodded, choosing not to go too into detail as he followed Carole up to Kurt’s room. He noticed how Kurt’s room seemed so unapologetically  _ Kurt. _ And to say that would mean the old Kurt, of course. It seemed as though this Kurt had given up any and all interests he had.

Sebastian walked over to Kurt’s bed, sitting down next to him and carefully prying his hands away from his knees. He gently held Kurt’s hands in his own, whispering for the boy to look at him and guiding him through his breathing. Eventually, Kurt was relatively calm, and Sebastian pulled him in for a loose hug, which he returned. Carole just stood in the doorway, glad that her stepson had someone who helped him like this. Eventually, she spoke up, knowing the conversation needed to be had. 

“Kurt, I need to talk to you,” she said this as gently as she could. Kurt nodded, and Sebastian stood up to leave. Kurt’s hand shot out and he grabbed Sebastian’s wrist, looking at him with pleading eyes. 

“No, Bas- Please stay. I don’t think I can do this without you.” Sebastian was a bit surprised, though he probably shouldn’t have been. He smiled softly at Kurt, sitting back down. Kurt decided to swallow his pride and held Sebastian’s hand. It wasn’t necessarily in a romantic way, but he found the physical contact to be rather comforting. 

“Kurt,” asked Carole, “When did this all start?” Kurt shrugged a bit.

“I- I don’t know, to be honest. I guess I’ve always done little things, and then slowly snowballed,” he mumbled. Carole nodded. 

“You realize that I’m going to need you to take off your sweater, right?” Kurt tensed visibly, and she paused. 

“Sebastian, do you mind covering the mirror with that blanket?” She gestured toward a blanket that was sitting, neatly folded, on a chair. He promptly did as told, and Kurt couldn’t help feeling rather pathetic. That familiar feeling of irritation was starting to build again. Kurt, wanting to avoid a potential blow-up, just pulled off his sweater, crossing his stick-thin arms in front of his chest. 

Carole looked like she was going to cry again, and Kurt couldn’t help but huff. He didn’t understand why he was so angry, and he didn’t understand why he was directing it at Carole, but it was like he couldn’t stop himself.

“Yeah, I get it, I look like shit,” he snapped slightly, not seeing why everyone was being so dramatic. He didn’t look that different, did he? Carole’s heart broke at this, and she sighed. 

“Your dad needs to see.” Kurt looked up with wide eyes. 

“Wait, no- His heart! Besides, it’s really not that big of a deal!” Both Carole and Sebastian looked at him incredulously. 

“Kurt, please. I promise, you can do this,” said Sebastian as gently as he could muster. Kurt frowned, and he visibly deflated. 

“Okay,” was all he said, not looking up. Carole placed one hand on his back and guided him back to the living room. When they got there, both Burt and Finn looked at him in horror; it was the first time they were truly seeing how bad it was. 

Kurt’s cheekbones were sunken in, he had bags under his eyes and you could practically see every bone in his body. He looked like a skeleton, and it was terrifying to Burt. He couldn’t believe that his son had turned into this and no one had done anything. He gaped at his incredibly emaciated son for a few more moments before speaking up, voice dangerously soft. 

“Kurt…” This made Kurt feel horrible. He hated putting his dad through this. However, Kurt didn’t want to cry again, he didn’t know if he could handle it, so he did the next best thing: lash out. 

“I get it, guys! You don’t like how I look! Can we please stop staring at me like I’m some sort of zoo animal? I feel like all we’re doing is talking about how fucked up I am, and I’m starting to wish I didn’t do this!” Carole spoke up. 

“Kurt-!” Sebastian cleared his throat. 

“I’m really sorry, ma’am, and it’s not my place, but think of how Kurt must be feeling. He’s going through something really hard, and he feels like he’s on display,” remarked Sebastian. Carole looked surprised, but nodded slowly. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Kurt. If you want to put on your sweater again, you can.” Kurt nodded quickly, eager to put it back on. He knew it wouldn’t help much with the permanent chill that he was convinced had settled into his bones, but something was better than nothing. He walked to his room, pulling it on quickly and heading back down, despite everything in his head urging him to lock himself in his room. When he got back down, Sebastian was talking to his dad and Carole. 

“-and she gave us a piece of paper with a bunch of resources. I have it here,” he handed them a sheet of paper, “for you guys.” Kurt frowned. He most certainly did not want to be locked up in some sort of institution just because he occasionally skipped a meal or two. He put on a rather forced smile, chuckling a bit nervously. 

“I think that may be a bit much, I don’t need to go into a hospital or anything, everything is fine!” No one was convinced by this statement, and they chose to just ignore him. Finn walked over, just putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Dude, no one believes that.” Kurt shrugged his hand off, beginning to pace nervously. He was trying to plot an escape route of some sort, feeling rather betrayed. He had gone to his parents because he thought they would help him, not lock him up! After thinking about it for a bit, he realized that his best bet would be Puck. The two had begun to get close right before Kurt left for Dalton, and he knew that the boy wouldn’t hesitate to help him sneak out. It was decided! He would go up to his room to change, and have Puck pick him up. From there, they would figure it out. Maybe he could go back to Dalton. If he stuffed enough weights down his pants, he was sure he could convince the nurse to tell his parents he was better. 

As Sebastian talked to his parents, he formed his plan. He texted Puck that he needed a ride, and he was sneaking out. He figured Puck would understand, Puck was all for bodily autonomy. His phone buzzed, Puck texted that he would be waiting outside in ten minutes. He felt terrible for doing this, but at this point, it was overshadowed by fear. He wanted to get better, he really did! The problem was that he hadn’t lost enough weight! He couldn’t stop now, not when he was so close. He excused himself quickly, making the excuse of wanting to take a shower. They were a bit reluctant to let him do it alone, which annoyed Kurt even more. 

“Relax, I can take a shower on my own. It’s not like I’m going up there to slit my wrists or anything.” Everyone else in the room flinched, while Kurt looked unbothered. They were a bit shocked by his disregard for his own life. Regardless, Burt agreed, and Kurt went upstairs, feeling both proud and disgusted with himself. He waited to see Puck’s car pull up and opened his window as quietly as he could. He awkwardly clambered out, grabbing his bag and running to the car. He got in the passenger’s seat, where Puck was looking at him in concern. 

“Drive-” he said quickly, shooting a glance back to his house to make sure no one had seen him. Puck did as he was told. 

“Dude, I’m all for breaking the rules, and I’m glad you’ve let loose a little, but what’s this all about? I thought you and your dad were tight now.” Kurt sighed, burying his face in his hands before looking back at Puck. He somehow felt like he could be honest. 

“They’re going to lock me up,” he muttered. Puck looked alarmed, nearly slamming on the brakes. 

“Holy shit, Hummel, what did you do?! You should have called me, you can’t survive in a place like juvie!” Kurt shook his head, quickly grabbing on to the side of the door to try and keep himself from getting dizzy. 

“No, they want to send me to some sort of mental hospital. They found out about some habits that aren’t even that big of a deal, and now they’re upset.” Puck frowned. 

“Do these habits have anything to do with the fact that you look like a walking skeleton?” Kurt sighed before nodding reluctantly. 

“They- They’re saying I have an eating disorder, and they want to send me to some treatment center and force feed me until I get fat again.” Puck shook his head, abruptly turning the car around. 

“Kurt, you’re obviously sick. Come on, I’m not stupid. You need help, and your parents care about you enough to give it to you. How much do you weigh?” Kurt tensed. This wasn’t what he had wanted. Regardless, he answered.

“...Eighty-six point nine.” Puck looked at him in shock. 

“What the hell, Hummel, my eight year old sister weighs more than you!” Kurt shrugged a bit, slumped over defeatedly in his seat. He looked at Puck with a pleading expression that broke his heart.

“Noah, please don’t make me do this,” he whispered, “I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t make me get help.” Puck shook his head. 

“Sorry, Princess, you don’t have a say in the matter.” Kurt’s heart dropped as they pulled up in front of his house, and Puck opened his door for him. He couldn’t decide whether he loved or hated the way Puck’s hand wrapped all the way around his arm as the boy practically dragged him to the front door, knocking harshly. 

When Burt opened it, he looked puzzled. 

“Kurt? I thought you were showering-” before Kurt could make up an excuse, Puck spoke for him.

“He texted me to pick him up. He said to take him back to Dalton so he doesn’t have to- and I quote- be force fed until he gets fat again. I figured you would be worried and drove him back here. You should probably keep an eye on him,” remarked Puck. Burt nodded, a look in his eyes that Kurt couldn’t exactly decipher. He was sure he could figure it out if he tried, but he was too ashamed to look his dad in the eyes. 

“Thank you, I’m glad to know my son has people like you looking out for him.” Puck nodded curtly, promptly leaving. He didn’t want people to know how much Kurt’s condition saddened him. 

Kurt was feeling incredibly betrayed; he thought he could trust Puck! His dad and Finn were looking at him with this heartbroken expression that made him want to lock himself in his room and scream until his voice went; then he wouldn’t have to talk about this anymore. He waited to be scolded by his dad, and was surprised when Burt just placed a gentle hand on his back and led him to sit down next to a hurt-looking Sebastian. 

Kurt wished that his father had just yelled at him. He wished he had just gotten in trouble and gotten this over with, because this was a million times worse. He hated seeing these looks on everyone’s faces, especially since he was the cause of them. 

“I called a doctor, Kurt, you’re going to meet with them tomorrow at noon. I’m not taking no for an answer.” Surprisingly, Kurt just nodded. Burt walked to his room to talk to Carole, leaving Kurt with Sebastian and Finn. “Watch him,” he said, making Kurt feel even more guilty. 

Once he had left, Finn just stared at him. 

“Kurt, why are you doing this?” Kurt shrugged, feeling rather apathetic at the moment. He decided to just be snarky, hoping he didn’t have to talk about it if he deflected.

“Sitting here? Because my dad made me-” he scoffed. Sebastian placed a hand on his arm, and Kurt jerked it away, causing him to frown. He risked a glance at the boy’s face, and his angry expression faltered slightly. “I’m sorry, I just-” Kurt looked at Finn, hating that he was the cause of his brother feeling this way. “-I’m just scared. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t even know if I fully want to! A part of me wants to just be normal again, and a part of me is screaming that I can’t get better because I’m not where I feel I’m supposed to be.” Finn was a bit surprised. Kurt normally had his walls up so high, he didn’t expect him to reveal this much. 

“Kurt, I promise you can do this. We’re going to be right there with you.” Sebastian nodded in agreement. 

“That voice, the one that’s telling you to stay like this? That’s your disorder talking. What’s important is that you learn to not listen to it.” Kurt frowned. 

“Can we stop using that word? Disorder? I haven’t even been diagnosed, we don’t know that I have one. I feel like we’re jumping to conclusions here!” 

“Kurt, you need to get used to hearing that word,” remarked Finn, “because I’m sure you’ll be hearing it a lot fairly soon.” Kurt ran a hand through his hair, just stuffing the clumps of hair in his pocket. He shrugged slightly, staring out the window at the sky. As a plane flew by, he couldn’t help but wonder where the people were going. What were they going through? Was anyone going through the same thing he was? He shook away the thoughts, finding them rather foolish. 

“Yeah, okay,” he mumbled halfheartedly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! I love reading your comments, and I hope you really enjoyed this chapter!   
> Cherie x


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up. I cried several times writing this.

When Kurt went to bed that night, Sebastian set up some blankets on the floor next to his bed. Kurt was still a bit cross after dinner, where he had just sat there with an empty plate, arms crossed as he scowled at everyone. Sebastian tried to be a calming presence, but he realized that, more than anything, Kurt was just scared. Still, he found it a little bit hurtful when Kurt refused to talk to him until that night. After they had settled into their respective sleeping areas, Kurt hesitantly spoke up. 

“Sebastian?”

“Yes?” There was silence for a moment before Kurt continued. 

“Goodnight.” Sebastian smiled softly to himself, glad that Kurt wasn’t as mad as before. 

“Goodnight, Kurt.” Kurt flicked off his lamp, laying still until he heard Sebastian’s breathing slow, indicating he had fallen asleep. Once he heard this, he began doing his situps in bed, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Despite his incredibly weak state, he managed to get in one-hundred and three before letting out a soft grunt of effort. He was too focused on the movement to notice how Sebastian stirred. His breathing was quite labored, and every inch of his body shook. 

Kurt felt as though he might cry. He just wanted to sleep, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to do this every night. Eventually, Sebastian woke up, hearing the soft grunts and shaky sniffles. He got up, cautiously climbing into bed with Kurt and wrapping his arms around him like he had the night before. This time, Kurt didn’t fight it, feeling too weak to argue. Sebastian frowned, pressing a gentle kiss to Kurt’s head. 

“Oh, Kurt…” he cooed, rubbing the boy’s side with his thumb. “I hate seeing you hurting like this,” he murmured. Kurt didn’t respond, muffling a sob against the heel of his hand. Sebastian began singing to him gently, trying his best to comfort the obviously suffering boy. Kurt allowed Sebastian’s voice to wash over him, finding it strangely relaxing. He eventually managed to fall asleep, and Sebastian just watched him. 

To be completely honest, Sebastian was a bit frightened that the boy would just stop breathing entirely, so he remained focused on his breath. Unfortunately, this seemed to have the opposite effect of lulling him to sleep, and he soon found himself drifting off without the willpower to shake himself awake. 

* * *

The next morning, Sebastian managed to wake up before Kurt. Despite what may be a wiser idea, he decided not to move, just staying curled up with the boy. However, as time passed, Sebastian began to get more and more worried. Kurt still hadn’t woken up, and felt abnormally limp. He could feel him breathing, or else he may have thought him dead. He turned the boy over in his arms, dread pooling in his stomach. Kurt somehow looked even worse, and it worried him. 

“Kurt?” Kurt didn’t stir, and Sebastian panicked, getting out of bed and beginning to pace back and forth. He didn’t want to shake him, as the boy looked incredibly fragile; like he may break at the slightest touch. Eventually, he decided to shake him gently, saying his name with a panicked tone. Kurt didn’t move, and Sebastian shook him again, a bit harder this time. This seemed to do it, as Kurt weakly squinted up. 

“Sebastian?” he asked this gently. He felt as though his mouth were full of cotton. Kurt lifted his arm slightly to rub his eyes, but noticed how abnormally heavy it felt. He felt so incredibly weak, and every part of his body was aching. Not only that, but he was freezing. Kurt started to think he might be dying, but quickly shook the idea. 

“Thank god, you weren’t waking up,” muttered Sebastian in relief. 

“Why do I feel like this…?” Sebastian frowned. 

“Feel like what?” This sounded so detached. Kurt felt as though he was listening with his head underwater. 

“I feel like I can’t move… I feel- I dunno, weak,” Kurt said this carefully, as speaking felt like a chore. Sebastian noticed how Kurt was shivering, pulling the blankets over him. 

“I’m going to get your stepmom, okay?”

“Mhm-” Kurt’s eyelids drooped threateningly, and Sebastian shook his shoulder in a panicked fashion.

“Kurt, please try to stay awake.” Sebastian practically sprinted to the closest room, knocking on the door a bit frantically. A confused looking Finn opened it, and Sebastian didn’t hesitate to speak. 

“It’s Kurt. Something is really wrong, please get your parents-” pleaded Sebastian. This seemed to wake Finn right up, and he nodded, running to Burt and Carole’s room to wake them up. Sebastian went back to Kurt’s room, lightly slapping the side of his face when he saw him falling asleep again. 

“Kurt, stay with me, your parents are coming,” he assured. Burt and Carole burst in, followed by Finn. 

“Kurt, buddy, what’s going on-?” Kurt squinted slightly, looking up at Sebastian with a pleading expression. 

“He seems really weak. He didn’t wake up this morning, and when he did, he kept falling back asleep. I think something is really wrong-” whispered Sebastian. 

“Kurt, honey, I need you to try and stand up, okay?” Carole looked at him encouragingly, helping him move his legs out of bed. Kurt nodded, shakily sitting up. Burt and Sebastian stood on either side of Kurt, helping him stand up. As soon as the boy fully got to his feet, his legs crumpled, giving out from under him. Kurt found himself on the floor, Sebastian and Carole kneeling next to him. The world was spinning, and his heartbeat was terrifyingly irregular. 

“What’s happening to me?!” he whimpered in the most heartbreaking manner, “My heart is beating all weird and the world is spinning, what’s going on?!” Burt and Carole exchanged a look before Carole spoke up. 

“We need to get him to a hospital, like- now.” Burt nodded. 

“I’ll go start the car. You grab our wallets, phones, and keys. Finn, can you carry Kurt down to the car? Sebastian, please just stay with him.” Carole and Burt hurried out of the room while Sebastian whispered soothing words to his friend. Finn came over, scooping Kurt up in his arms. 

“Dude, you’re so light-” he mumbled worriedly. Kurt didn’t even have the energy to reply with a snarky comment, just humming slightly to show that he had heard. Sebastian trailed after the tall boy, trying to murmur words of encouragement to Kurt. They got to the car where Burt and Carole were waiting and looked at the tiny backseat. Carole spoke up. 

“Finn and I will take my car, you guys worry about getting him there, okay?” Burt nodded, and Finn laid Kurt in the backseat as gently as he could. Burt was crying, visibly shaking. He glanced back at his son, and Sebastian saw that he was in no shape to drive. 

“Sir, if you want to sit back here, I can drive.” Burt opened his mouth to argue, but realized that he may break down on the street. He nodded and got in the backseat. Sebastian started the car and began driving, while Burt laid Kurt’s head in his lap and stroked his hair. 

“Kurt, buddy, I love you so much, okay? Do you remember that one time when you were younger, we had that tea party?” Burt laughed through a choked sob. “You practically forced me out there, and I pretended to eat all that plastic food? Or the time I taught you to ride your bike? Some little asshole- what’s his name, Mark? He made fun of you for having tassel handlebars, and you told him off? He went home crying that day.” Burt wiped his eyes, smiling fondly at the memory. “You’re so much like your mom. She was always such a firecracker, so full of life. You have her sass, and her eyes. You’re kind, too, Kurt. Way kinder than me. Way kinder than anyone I know! You’re my son, Kurt. I love you, okay? I don’t care what you look like, or who you like. I just want you to be happy and healthy, and you don’t seem happy or healthy right now.” Burt leaned down, pressing a kiss to his son’s head. “But we’re going to get through this together, capische? Burt and Kurt, the Hummel boys,” he laughed, choking back a sob. “Only this time, we have a bigger family. So many people care about you, and we’re all here for you. Kurt, I love you more than anything.” Burt was sobbing at that point, holding his son like his life depended on it. “I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you.”

Sebastian’s heart was breaking. The bond that Kurt and his father had was so strong. He could see how much Burt cared for his son. When they pulled up to the hospital, Sebastian looked back at Burt. He hated to break up their moment, but Kurt was fading in and out of consciousness and needed immediate medical attention. 

“If you bring him in, I can park the car, okay?” Sebastian asked this rather gently, though worry seeped into his tone. Burt nodded quickly, wiping his tears. He got out of the car and scooped Kurt up into a bridal position. He practically ran through the doors of the hospital, shouting. 

“Can somebody help my son?!” Burt knew how loud he was being, but he didn’t care. Kurt was dangling limply from his arms, and his emaciation was quite clear. The alarmed nurse at the reception desk quickly said something into her walkie talkie. A few moments later, two nurses came bursting through the door, one wheeling in a wheelchair and gesturing for Burt to set Kurt down. He did so, and they brought him back to a room while talking to Burt. 

“He hasn’t been eating. He’s always been a thin kid, but something was different. He came back from school looking like this, and he finally admits it to us. We were going to take him to the doctor today, but he wasn’t waking up this morning, and when he did, he was so weak! We tried getting him to walk, and he couldn’t stand on his own feet! I-I don’t know what’s going on!” The nurse frantically scribbled something on a clipboard as Sebastian came rushing in, looking panicked. 

“Shit- what did I miss?” Kurt was feebly looking around, and the nurses took the opportunity to weigh him. He still was unable to stand, barely aware of what was going on, so they had to break out one with handrails. They typically only used this for elderly patients. When they wrote down his weight, Burt looked over and exhaled sharply. 

**84.2 lbs**

“Jesus, that’s bad,” he mumbled. One of the nurses took his blood pressure and heart rate. 

“His heart rate is thirty-two beats per minute, which is why he’s so weak. His heart isn’t beating enough to pump blood to the rest of his body. You’re lucky you brought him in when you did-” the nurse carefully inserted an IV into Kurt’s bony hand. “-because he has about a seventy-five percent chance of making it. If you had waited a few hours, the number would have dropped down to fifty.” 

“Oh my god,” murmured Sebastian, while Burt tried to hide his tears. 

“I’ve already lost your mother, I’m not losing you too.” Kurt looked away, trying to blink back the tears. He still didn’t know what was happening to him, or why he felt like this! He looked down shakily at his blue-tinged fingertips and then back up at his dad as they moved him into a bed. 

“Dad? I love you-” he whimpered, “But I think I might be dying,” Burt shook his head quickly. 

“Nonono, no one is dying here today. Not on my watch,” replied Burt in a panic. The doctor came in and shot Kurt’s family a sad smile before looking at Kurt with pity. He didn’t like that very much. 

“Alright, my name is Dr Stephenson. What brings you in today?” Kurt scowled. 

“What does it look like?” He said this in a rather sour tone. Burt opened his mouth instinctively to scold him, but no sound came out. Fortunately, the doctor chuckled. 

“It’s standard procedure to ask that. I’m assuming you know why you’re here.” Kurt gave a weak nod, refusing to look anywhere besides Sebastian. 

“Alright, that’s good. I’m just going to ask you a few questions. You should start feeling a little bit better soon, thanks to the IV. When you do, would you mind filling out this questionnaire?” The doctor passed him a clipboard, and Kurt took it. He felt the clipboard weighing down his arm and internally scoffed. It was a clipboard with two pieces of paper, was he really this weak? 

Kurt, wanting to get this over with, began filling out the sheet, occasionally pausing at some of the questions. He would have lied, but Kurt was genuinely scared that he was about to die, and he didn’t want to go out lying. When he was finished, Kurt glanced at the doctor. He would have lifted his arm to hand it to him, but it was far too heavy, and Kurt was far too tired. 

“I’m finished,” he said, and the doctor took it from him, glancing over it. 

“Alright, it doesn’t take much of a genius to see what’s going on, Kurt. Did you know that you’re sixty-five pounds underweight?” Kurt just looked away, and Burt thought he might throw up. The doctor continued. “I’d like you admitted so we can run more tests. This is a clear case of severe anorexia and body dysmorphia. Once you are admitted, you can be officially diagnosed. We’re going to have to keep you here for a while, just to make sure your heart doesn’t stop, and we’ll try to get you to a healthier weight. Once we do that, we can look at treatment options to help you adopt healthier eating habits. I may not be a specialist, but you’ll most likely have to do inpatient for a while. From there, we’ll have to see, but you’ll most likely have therapy twice a week, and meet with a nutritionist once a week. I know this is a lot to take in, so I’ll leave you be and start the admissions process.” The doctor left, and Kurt stared at his lap in shame as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He couldn’t believe how out of control this had gotten. 

“Kurt-” started Burt. Kurt shook his head quickly.

“Please don’t, not now,” whispered Kurt. Burt decided to take a moment to step outside and collect himself. He resolved to get started on the admissions paperwork as well. 

Kurt looked up at Sebastian, who was texting Nick and Jeff and looking very stressed. “‘Bastian?” Sebastian looked up, immediately turning off his phone to give Kurt his full attention. “Will you please come here…? I just- Please hold me. Don’t say anything, I just need someone.” Sebastian offered a teary smile and nodded, climbing into the bed with Kurt and wrapping his arms around the boy. 

“Don’t worry, Kurt,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the boy’s head. “Everything is going to be okay.” Kurt sobbed into his chest, not sure that he believed it. Sebastian frowned, holding the boy tighter and shushing him. 

“Hey- hey, why don’t you sing with me? You know the words, don’t you?”

Sebastian started singing very softly.

“ _ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away-” _

Sebastian continued singing the song, Kurt eventually joining in softly. Their

voices were soft, and they didn’t sound that great, both their voices wavering dangerously. When they got to the middle of the song, Sebastian couldn’t take it anymore and broke down crying. He didn’t want his friend to see him crying this hard, but he couldn’t help it. Kurt knew it was his turn, prying Sebastian’s hands away from his face and continuing to sing. 

“ _ Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play, _ ” 

Kurt encouraged Sebastian to sing with him with a slight nod, and Sebastian joined in again. By the end of it, they both had tears running down their faces, staring at each other as they hummed the ending. When they finished, they both began to lean in, feeling drawn toward each other. Sebastian couldn’t help himself. He didn’t even mean to say it, it just came out. 

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he breathed. His eyes widened when he realized what he had said. Kurt looked taken aback. Noticing the fear in Sebastian’s eyes though, he replied after taking a moment to process. Sebastian chewed his lip anxiously, waiting for a reply. 

“I think I’m falling in love with you as well.” Sebastian was surprised, but he smiled slightly. Kurt continued. “I’d love to be your boyfriend, if you’ll still have me, but I can’t right now. I think you’re amazing, but-” Kurt sighed, “-if I’m going to get better, I can’t be in a relationship. I need to get better for myself, not anyone else. I have to focus on my own health right now. Whenever I’m out of this place, I hope you’ll still have me, but if not, I understand.” Sebastian took a minute to reflect on the words before nodding softly. 

“No, I definitely agree. Right now, your top priority needs to be yourself, but…” Sebastian trailed off, and Kurt raised an eyebrow. 

“But?” 

“But can we still cuddle?” Kurt couldn’t help but smile- a real smile this time- and he hugged Sebastian closer.

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used- Yesterday by The Beatles
> 
> Y'all, I am so sorry. I cried so hard while writing this, it was very difficult, particularly the part where Burt was talking to Kurt in the car. I hope you enjoyed it though, and please leave comments telling me what you thought! Your comments make my day!  
> Cherie x


	15. Not a chapter!

Hey guys! I'm really sorry about this, but I won't be able to update tonight. I'm super busy with classes, and I may have to change the updating schedule to three times a week until classes let up a bit. I'm really sorry to do this, and the new chapter should be out tomorrow of Wednesday!  
Love,  
Cherie


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally published it ??

Not long after, Kurt was admitted into the hospital. They explained to him how they had to monitor him closely, as his organs were beginning to fail. Burt exhaled harshly, taking off his baseball cap and rubbing the top of his head. 

“Shit, you really did a number on yourself, didn’t you kiddo?” Kurt shrugged weakly, glancing up at Sebastian with a frown. Sebastian took his hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb in a comforting manner. They sat in a somewhat awkward silence until Burt eventually started crying. Kurt looked alarmed at this. 

“Dad! What-What’s wrong?” Kurt knew that this was because of him and frowned. “Dad, please don’t worry about me, your heart-” Burt scoffed, wiping his eyes. 

“How am I not supposed to worry? Look at you? Jesus, Kurt. If I had known…” Burt sighed, pulling himself together just as a nurse came in with a meal tray. Kurt looked at it, eyes full of distrust. He looked back up at the nurse, shaking his head and scooting away from the tray after she set it down on the pull-out table attached to his bed. When the nurse left, Kurt just glared at the tray of food. Burt gestured to it with his head as if to tell him to eat. 

Kurt opened the packet of plastic silverware, visibly shaking. He looked at Sebastian.

“‘Bastian, do you want some of this? I’m not very hungry right now, and I’ll probably eat something later when you guys aren’t around, so if you want this, you can-” Burt interrupted.

“Eat the damn cornbread, Kurt,” he said sternly. Kurt flinched, holding the fork in his tightly clenched fist and rapidly shaking his head. He gave Sebastian his most pleading look, to which the boy sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Kurt, but your dad is right. You need to eat. Can you take one bite? That’s all I’m asking,” Sebastian’s voice was gentle, and Kurt seemed to relax a bit as he listened to Sebastian. Burt watched the interaction, feeling a bit touched by how this boy was so good with his son. Sebastian seemed to  _ get  _ Kurt in a way Burt always wished he had, and he was glad that his son had someone like that. 

Kurt nodded jerkily, though unable to mask the terrified look in his eyes. He stabbed at the cornbread with his fork, moving it around the plate. Kurt couldn’t seem to look away from the dish, as though it would disappear the second he looked away (though he would likely appreciate that). He eventually looked out of the corner of his eye, feeling the stares of the other two men in the room. He tried to ignore it, continuing to pick at the cornbread. He felt his anxiety and anger building until he finally snapped. 

“Can everyone stop fucking looking at me?!” Kurt surprised everyone in the room, himself included, when he shouted this. He sighed, wiping his eyes quickly and allowing his tight grip on the fork to relax a bit. “I’m sorry, I just… I don’t think I can do this,” he whispered. 

“Kurt, it’s okay,” replied Sebastian. He lowered his voice, beginning to speak in French. “ _ I promise you can do this. You’re so strong, and I’m here. One bite won’t hurt anything. _ ” Kurt nodded slowly. He picked up the cornbread with his hands this time. His shoulders were incredibly tense, practically level with his ears. The boy was shaking like a leaf as he raised it to his mouth. 

Right before the bread entered his mouth, Kurt’s heart gave a jolt. He felt like screaming, his entire body seeming to lock up. His fist clenched, crushing the cornbread. He let out a sob, throwing the food away from him and beginning to gasp for air, hugging his knees to his chest. 

“‘Bas, I’m sorry- I can’t, I can’t-” he couldn’t seem to get any other words out, succumbing fully to the panic attack. 

Burt was shocked. He didn’t see why his son couldn’t just eat, and frankly thought he was being a bit dramatic. However, he wanted to be supportive, and figured this was probably really difficult, so he stood up, placing a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt flinched away, shaking his head quickly and stammering for him to leave. Burt was incredibly hurt by this, looking at Sebastian, who mouthed an apology and gestured toward the door. 

Burt nodded and left. While it hurt his feelings, in the end, he just wanted what was best for his son. He went down to the waiting room, where Finn and Carol were probably losing their minds with worry. He knew he should have contacted them sooner, but he was preoccupied, what with the news of his son being in the beginning stages of organ failure and all. When he got into the waiting room, he was surprised to not only see Carole and Finn, but also six very stressed looking boys in Dalton uniforms. Everyone jumped to their feet, and a blonde boy was the first to speak up. 

“What’s going on with Kurtie, is he okay? When can I see him? Can I see him now? Where is he? Is he with Sebastian? How is he feeling? Wh-” A smaller boy with brown hair shushed him, and he mumbled an apology. “Sorry. I’m Jeff, Kurt’s best friend and roommate. This is Nick, our other roommate. Back there are David, Wes, Trent, and Thad. We’re all on the Warblers, we’ve been really worried about him.” 

Burt was surprised, but also very touched that these people cared so deeply for his son. He had been considering pulling Kurt out of Dalton to keep an eye on him, but was reassured after seeing how cared for he was. These boys seemed so nice and accepting, and it was definitely the right place for his son. He looked over at Carole and Finn, who were desperately waiting for some sort of news. Burt obliged, clearing his throat and speaking up. 

“Kurt is stable as of right now, but things aren’t looking great. They’re saying that his organs are beginning to fail, and his heart rate is dangerously low. He’s about sixty-five pounds underweight, and they’re watching him closely to make sure his heart doesn’t stop or he doesn’t have a seizure. He has about a seventy-five percent chance of making it, I’m hoping the number goes up, but- um, I don’t know if-” Burt cleared his throat again, trying not to cry. “-if he’ll want to see anyone. Earlier, he wasn’t letting anyone more than me and Sebastian see him, so I’ll have to talk to him. What are your names again?” 

Finn started to speak up, and Carole laughed a bit through a choked sob. 

“He wasn’t asking you, bud-” Jeff was struggling to hold it together. Surprisingly, out of all the Warblers in the room, he was the least emotional, at least visibly. Jeff knew, however, that he had to keep it together. He was the closest to Kurt, and people would be looking to him at that time. He sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve. He knew it was gross, but didn’t care. 

“Just-uh, tell him it’s his main Warbler friends.” Burt nodded, beginning to turn around before Jeff spoke up again. “Oh- and, uh- tell him that Anderson isn’t here.” Jeff said Blaine’s last name with noticeable resentment, by which Burt was taken aback. Regardless, he nodded. 

“Gotcha. Carole, can I talk to you a minute?” Carole nodded, and Burt took her aside. 

It wasn’t known what exactly Burt told Carole, but whatever it was made him completely break down, sobbing into his wife’s arms. He blamed himself more than anything, and couldn’t lose his son. By the time he had pulled himself together, Jeff had gone down to the cafeteria and come back with coffees for everyone. He handed them to Burt and Carole, who smiled appreciatively. 

* * *

Back in the hospital room, Sebastian was holding a crying Kurt to his chest. He had managed to calm him down to a point, but it seemed like this was as mellow as he would get. Kurt was apologizing profusely, and Sebastian just stroked his hair, shushing him and pressing gentle kisses to his forehead. 

“I’m sorry, ‘Bastian, I’m sorry,” he gasped, “I just- I couldn’t do it.” 

“Kurt, it’s okay. I get it-”

“No you don’t,” mumbled Kurt. Sebastian sighed. 

“No, I don’t. But I know how hard this is for you. You’re sick, no one is mad at you.” Kurt didn’t say anything, and Sebastian laid him down. They laid there for at least fifteen minutes, trying to hold each other as close as humanly possible. Kurt wasn’t stupid, he knew that they were going to send him away to some sort of facility, maybe forever! He was terrified, and he wanted this moment to last forever so he didn’t have to face the future. 

Eventually, Burt came back in, clearing his throat awkwardly to alert the two boys of his presence. They quickly jumped apart, and the corners of his mouth quirked up into a rather weak smile. Again, he was glad his son was cared for. 

“Kurt, some boys from Dalton are here to see you. They said to tell you that it’s the usual Dalton friends, or something like that. They said to say that ‘Anderson’ wasn’t with them. I don’t know who that is, but they didn’t seem to like him very much.” Kurt couldn’t help but laugh weakly, but he crossed his arms over his stomach at the mention of Blaine  _ (“you’ve put on a few pounds”).  _ Sebastian’s hands clenched into fists, and Kurt placed a hand on his shoulder to try and calm him. He thought for a moment. 

“Jeff can come back. And Finn. But I don’t want anyone else to see me like this,” he admitted. Burt nodded, going to get the kid. He didn’t want to admit it, but he had no idea who Jeff was. He hoped that he could just say his name and he’d stand up. The blonde kid had seemed the most panicked, so he thought it could be him. 

When Jeff and Finn came back with Burt, Finn immediately looked away. He felt like he shouldn’t be seeing his brother like this. Jeff just stared, willing himself not to cry.

“Oh, Kurt…” Jeff walked over, sitting down next to Kurt and pulling him into the softest of hugs. Kurt just sat there limply, feeling too ashamed to move or speak. Jeff didn’t let go for a long time. Eventually, Finn came over as well, avoiding eye contact. He sat as far away from Kurt as he could, unable to look at him. When he did finally speak up, his voice was deathly quiet. 

“Please don’t die,” he mumbled. Kurt was a bit surprised, about to argue. When he looked up at Finn’s face though, he couldn’t help but nod. They didn’t know how long exactly they sat in silence. Honestly, everyone was scared to talk. When a doctor came in with another IV, he just held out his arm, allowing them to insert it. One of the nurses spoke up. 

“This is a nutrition drip. It should help you put on a bit more weight, since you’re refusing to eat.” Burt was about to speak up, not appreciating her condescending tone, but he noticed Kurt’s face. 

“How- How many calories are in this?” The nurse told him without thinking, and he began shaking his head. Kurt’s eyes were wide as he looked down at his arm and found the tube, pulling at it and trying to rip it out. The doctors and nurses were alarmed, immediately running over to try and hold him down. Kurt struggled against the doctor, managing to rip the tube out of his arm, which was now bleeding. 

“Can someone help me hold him down?” The doctor said this quite sternly, and Burt and Finn held him down on either side. The doctor spoke into a walkie-talkie. “I need a nutrition drip and lorazepam to ro0m 302, now!” Kurt was fighting hard, surprisingly strong considering his fragile state. 

“No! I’m not going to get fat again, don’t touch me!” Kurt was yelling, but his tone softened as he turned to Jeff and Sebastian, who were standing there in horror. He looked at them pleadingly. “Jeff, ‘Bas, please… Tell them, I don’t need this!” Jeff just looked away, he didn’t trust himself to answer. 

“I’m sorry, Kurt,” whispered Sebastian as the nurse carefully measured out the right amount of some sort of sedative. The world began to slow for Kurt, and he was soon in a heavily medicated sleep. They carefully patched up his bleeding arm and put the drip in the other one. The doctor spoke up. 

“The treatment center you requested has a bed for him, and they can take him as soon as tomorrow. He can continue putting on some weight there. He’s a danger to himself, and needs more monitoring than we can provide.” Burt looked a bit surprised. 

“I thought they were full-?” The doctor nodded. 

“They were, but apparently some lady went in and changed their minds. The one from the news, I think.” Burt couldn’t help but laugh sadly, letting go of his son and collapsing into the chair beside his bed. Finn didn’t let go, afraid that Kurt would disappear if he did. Burt filled out the transfer paperwork, eventually forcing Finn and Jeff to go home and get some rest. Once they were gone, he turned to Sebastian, who immediately spoke up. 

“I’m not leaving.” Burt looked at Kurt, and then back at Sebastian. 

“I wasn’t going to ask you to.” Sebastian nodded in relief. They sat quietly until Burt said something. 

“Kurt really likes you, you know.” Sebastian looked up, a bit surprised. Burt continued. “I can tell. If he-” Burt’s voice cracked slightly, and he buried his face in his hands. “-If he makes it, you would be good for each other.” Sebastian paused, standing up and walking to Burt. He placed a hand on the man’s back, hoping to provide some sort of comfort. Eventually, Burt composed himself. “Where are your parents? Aren’t they worried?” Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I don’t know. They travel a lot, so I never really know where they are. They couldn’t care less.” Burt frowned. 

“If you ever need anything, our doors are open. You saved my son’s life,” he said. Sebastian smiled slightly, looking over Kurt. He hoped that would hold true, as Kurt looked awful. A nurse came in, a different one. She looked young and apologetic, not wanting to intrude on their moment. 

“There’s another visitor, says his name is Blaine Anderson?” Sebastian tensed up. Burt noticed the tension and shook his head. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he said, looking at Sebastian, who looked at the nurse. There was an indecipherable look in his eye as he replied. 

“No, send him in. I need to have a little talk with him.” Sebastian’s voice was deathly serious, and the nurse nodded. She came back with Blaine. Before he entered, Sebastian stopped him at the door. 

“Anderson, I think we need to have a little chat, yeah?” Blaine narrowed his eyes, trying to peak over Sebastian’s shoulder to get a look at Kurt. 

“Come on, Sebastian, move over. I just want to see my boyfriend!” Blaine said this in a tone of faux innocence, hoping Burt could hear. Sebastian shook his head. 

“No fucking way, gelmet. He’s not your boyfriend. He broke up with you because you’re an insecure, manipulative asshole. It’s partly your fault he’s here, so I don’t want to hear it!” Blaine scoffed. 

“God, Smythe, you swooped in while the body was still warm, huh? Couldn’t keep it in your pants, is that it?” Sebastian saw red, but reminded himself that Kurt wouldn’t appreciate him beating up his ex-boyfriend, no matter how badly he wanted to. 

“Don’t talk about him like that. You want to see him so bad? Fine. But just remember, you played a part in this.” He stepped aside, and Blaine was shocked. Kurt was sleeping on the bed, hooked up to a heart monitor and two IVs. He looked awful, and Blaine was a bit frightened. He huffed slightly, glancing at Sebastian. 

“Geez, it’s not my fault that he’s not right in the head.” Sebastian was about to say something, but Burt was quicker, jumping to his feet. 

“Hey! That’s my son you’re talking about!” Blaine frowned, turning to Burt and plastering on his most innocent expression. 

“I just want to see my friend! I’ve been so worried about him, and Sebastian wouldn’t let me see him!” Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh derisively, and Burt shook his head. 

“You think I’m stupid? Absolutely not. Out, get out.” Blaine looked confused, he wasn’t used to being told no. 

“But-”

“You have ten seconds before I let Sebastian escort you out, and I don’t think he’ll be as nice as I’m being,” warned Burt. Frightened, Blaine just nodded, scurrying out of the room as quickly as he could. Sebastian glared after him. 

“I can’t believe the nerve of that fucking rat,” he mumbled. He turned to Burt. 

“Sorry-” Burt shook his head. 

“No, you’re right. That kid seems like an asshole. What exactly happened with him and Kurt?” Sebastian took a breath, crossing his arms.

“They dated for a short period of time. Kurt had been super into him ever since he first came to Dalton. He was super manipulative and made all these underhanded comments toward Kurt about his weight. I finally convinced Kurt to break up with him, and all the Warblers hate him. He probably thinks that if they get back together, they’ll like him again.”

Burt looked a bit surprised. 

“Wow, I see why you don’t like him, he is an asshole.” Sebastian nodded and Burt continued. “I’m glad that you convinced Kurt to break up with him. Kurt- He’s too nice for his own good. He’s like his mother in that way. He probably wouldn’t have broken up with the kid if not for you, and I don’t want to think of the situation he’d be in if that were the case.” Sebastian just stared at Kurt, his heart feeling heavy. 

“You can get in bed with him, you know,” said Burt. Sebastian looked up, a bit confused. “I know you’re not going to try anything, and you seem to comfort him. Besides, I saw you two earlier.” Sebastian looked away, cheeks flushed. 

“I-” Burt laughed slightly as his embarrassed expression. 

“I’m just saying, if you want to, I won’t say anything.” Still, Sebastian waited until Burt fell asleep to crawl into bed with Kurt, wrapping his arms around the fragile boy in a protective manner. 

* * *

The next morning, Sebastian woke up to Kurt gently shaking his shoulder. It was still dark outside, and Burt wasn’t in the room. 

“‘Bas? ‘Bastian, wake up-” he whispered. Sebastian looked at him groggily, but sat up. 

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?” Kurt nodded, sighing slightly. “I’m going to some sort of treatment center today. I won’t be allowed to have visitors or anything. I just- I wanted to watch the sunrise with you one last time before I leave,” he admitted. Sebastian felt his heart melt, and he nodded. 

“Of course, anything for you, mon cherie-” he whispered, pressing a sweet kiss to Kurt’s temple. Kurt decided he liked Sebastian when he first woke up; he was always so affectionate. He smiled slightly, turning to face the window. He leaned against Sebastian lovingly, resting his head on the boy’s shoulder. They sat in their usual comfortable silence, taking in the comfort of the other for the last time in a while. 

“What time are you leaving?” asked Sebastian, squinting slightly and turning away from the window as the fully risen sun shone in his eyes. 

“Any minute now. My dad is downstairs getting everything finalized.” 

“Oh.” There was a long silence before Kurt spoke up again. 

“I don’t want to leave. I want to stay like this forever, with you.” Sebastian cupped Kurt’s cheek in one hand, stroking it gently with his thumb. 

“I wish you could, but you need to do this for yourself. I promise, I’ll be here when you get out, and then we’ll have all the time in the world.” Kurt nodded slowly, looking away and trying to blink back the tears coming to his eyes. Sebastian tilted his chin up slightly. “Hey, no crying, okay? It’ll be okay. I promise that I’ll write to you every day. You can do this.” Kurt nodded again, looking at Sebastian for a minute before practically tackling him in a tight hug. Sebastian was a bit taken aback, but he returned the hug. 

“I’ll miss you,” whispered Kurt fiercely. It took everything in Sebastian’s power not to cry. Kurt pulled back from the hug slightly, and Sebastian held his face, scanning the other boy’s eyes for any sign of reluctance before leaning in to kiss him. They pulled away not long after when Kurt’s heart monitor beeped, showing his heart rate had sped up a bit. Sebastian repeatedly asked him questions to make sure he was okay, rapidly apologizing. Kurt couldn’t help but laugh, making some sort of cheesy comment. 

Someone from the treatment center came in followed by Burt, and both of their smiles fell. Kurt’s father pulled him in for a hug, whispering some words of love and reassurance. When they pulled away, Kurt turned to Sebastian, looking a bit lost. Sebastian just hugged him again, not letting go for some time. He leaned down to whisper something into Kurt’s ear, something that made him relax considerably. When they broke the hug, Kurt wasn’t so scared anymore. He knew that he had to do this, if not for anyone, then for himself. He was going to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally published it?? I feel like this chapter is kind of all over the place, so I may go back an rewrite it some point, but I don't know. I haven't really been able to focus on anything lately. Classes have been awfully demanding, and my brain is very rude to me, so I find it quite difficult to motivate myself sometimes. Still, it's out! Sorry it took so long, and I hope you like it! I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but it will be sometime in the next week. Please leave comments, I need the little bit of seratonin I get from them. I love you guys, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need to talk!  
> Cherie x


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me?? Updating?? No way!!  
> This chapter is short, but I wanted to put something out there, haha. It's not as heavy as a lot of the earlier ones.

Kurt had been at the treatment center for three weeks before he was told he would be allowed to send letters to people on the outside. It was both relieving and nerve-wracking. In a way, it felt as though he had something to prove. He didn’t know what it was, exactly; that he was getting better? That he was ever actually sick? Kurt tried to shake the thought from his head. His psychiatrist, Doctor Terrance, said that the voice telling him he wasn’t sick enough was his disorder trying to make him worse, which he supposed made sense.

Doctor Terrance said that a lot of his disordered eating habits stemmed from a need for control. Kurt didn’t exactly enjoy being psychoanalyzed, but he had to admit that the words resonated with him. The things his Doctor said made sense to him, and it made him feel less crazy. When he had first arrived, he discovered that they went by a reward-based system to encourage healthy eating, or something like that. Doctor Terrance said that once he hit 100 pounds, he would be able to write letters to people outside of the treatment center. 

Kurt hated how the world seemed to just go on without him. He knew it was a little bit selfish, and he most certainly didn’t expect it to stop or anything, but it reminded him just how insignificant he truly was. When he expressed that to one of the nurses, they were quick to reassure him that it wasn’t true, and a little blue pill magically appeared with his breakfast the next morning. When he asked about it, he was told that it was an antidepressant, or, as they called it, an “SSRI.” Kurt didn’t know what it stood for, but he didn’t ask. He probably wouldn’t have understood anyway. Apparently, they had been wanting to put him on something for a while, but they went ahead and did so as a result of some “concerning comments he had made a few days prior.” Apparently his joke about killing himself if he missed Paris Fashion Week didn’t go over so well with the staff. 

More than anything, Kurt missed his family. Any lingering resentment toward his father had dissolved over time and been replaced with regret. He had said some pretty bad things to his father, to everyone. The nurses told him that no one was mad at him, but he wanted to know for himself. Every morning, Kurt got up to watch the sunrise. He wasn’t technically supposed to be awake, but the nurses never said anything. It made him feel more connected to the outside world. When he looked out at the pretty colors, it comforted him to know that Sebastian was doing the same. Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if Sebastian was thinking of him. He was definitely thinking of Sebastian. 

This was without a doubt the most difficult thing that Kurt had ever done. Some days weren’t so bad, and then some days, it took everything he had not to fling himself out of the nearest window. Hitting 100 pounds was a bittersweet thing for him. While he was glad he was improving and could write letters, he couldn’t help but wonder if this made him fat? He admitted this in his letter to Sebastian, making him a bit nervous about the other boy reading it; this felt strikingly intimate in a nonsensical way. 

Kurt poured his heart and soul into that letter. He talked about how much he missed the other boy, and how hard recovery really was. He told him how he had finally hit 100 pounds, and he somehow hated and was proud of himself for it simultaneously. But most importantly, Kurt told Sebastian how he felt he was doing the right thing. A lot of the nurses told him to try and recover for other people; for his father or stepmom or brother. Kurt didn’t exactly agree with this. While they were a large part of it, and he surely wouldn’t have sought recovery without their help, Kurt liked to think that he was recovering for himself. 

Doctor Terrance had said that Kurt would have died if he kept going, that it was good he was brought in when he was. At first, when he heard this, he was angry. Why hadn’t they let him keep going? Death would be easier than this. He immediately pushed the thought to the back of his mind, though it lingered there for a few weeks until he eventually told the doctor with some reluctance. Kurt wasn’t used to sharing his feelings like this. He knew he could be a little bit self destructive, but Kurt liked to be in control. Part of that control is only feeling what he wants to feel, and telling who he wants to tell- no one. Frequent breakdowns, to Kurt, are a sign of a lack of control, so whenever he feels something that could lead to one, he carefully folds it up and places it into a neat little box in the back of his mind, because Kurt likes for things to be neat. 

Eventually, the days began to blur together for Kurt. There were times where he could look in the mirror and tolerate what he saw, those were the good days. There were also times when he would catch sight of his reflection and immediately burst into tears, upon which the other patients and nurses would assure him that it’s okay, that it’s normal. He didn’t feel normal. 

On the day Kurt ( _ 102  _ _lbs._ ) got a letter from Sebastian, he had been feeling particularly run down. He had his first family therapy session, and they had made a plan for his return home. He had to be supervised during and after meals, and they were taking away his scale! Not only that, but his father had discovered his stash of diet and caffeine pills and demanded to know what exactly they were. The staff took him a bit too seriously when he sarcastically said it was ecstasy. He had to get his blood drawn just to make sure he wasn’t an addict as well. Kurt would never do that to his body! Of course, he didn’t recognize the irony of that statement. 

Either way, any and all sense of normalcy had long since been thrown out the window. The letter from Sebastian at least helped him feel a bit more normal. The letters from some of his friends and family, while he appreciated them, made him feel a bit angry. He could tell in the letters that they were tiptoeing around him in a sense. Sebastian, however, treated him like a normal person. He was understanding, but honest. Kurt enjoyed reading the letter, and did so whenever he felt down or doubtful. Sebastian filled him in on life at Dalton. He ended the letter telling him how proud he was, which made Kurt feel warm in a way he didn’t quite understand. Either way, it made Kurt want to be proud of himself too. 

When Kurt wrote his letter back to Sebastian, he wanted to tell him how he got up every morning to watch the sunrise just to feel connected to him in some way. Kurt wanted to ask if Sebastian thought of him as much as he thought of Sebastian. He wanted to ask if Sebastian read his letters every night just to feel okay again. He didn’t though, not wanting to come off as crazy or desperate. Instead, he just told Sebastian how much he missed him and filled him in on life at the treatment center. Apparently, Blaine had been a dick to everyone, and he had been barred from competing at regionals because of it. The words used were “unsportsmanlike behavior not representative of Dalton academy or its students,” but Kurt and Sebastian both knew that was code for being a dick. 

Looking back, Kurt was able to recognize how truly toxic Blaine’s behavior was. He supposed it was partially his fault too. A part of him had known it was toxic, but he hadn’t wanted to end it because it provided fuel for his disorder. Both Sebastian and the doctor had said it wasn’t his fault, and it was on Blaine for taking advantage of someone in such a vulnerable position. The doctor had said it first, but he didn't really believe it until Sebastian had said it. 

Kurt hated meals the most, though this was to be expected. Kurt didn’t realize how out of control everything truly was until he was asked to eat and couldn’t. He was glad to be off of his drip and feeding tube, but he sometimes found the actual act of eating to be quite mundane. The rules for mealtime were absurd as well. He wasn’t allowed to bounce his leg as he ate- it was considered “excessive exercise,” and thus classified as disordered behavior for which you could get points docked. One girl even had to eat a straight packet of ranch dressing, and Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if that was doing more harm than good in terms of creating a healthy relationship with food. 

When he was told he was allowed to see family for visitation, Kurt was a little scared. He wondered if Finn and Carole would look at him with disgust over how fat he had gotten. He was sure they would be nice to his face, but what if they got back into the car and talked about how large he was- how they should have just let him go on starving so he didn’t look like an absolute pig spilling out of his jeans. There was far less definition in his face, and his stomach wasn’t concave like he liked it. Kurt had been planning to box away these insecurities where no one could find them, but this plan was quickly thrown out the window when a nurse walked in on him sobbing hysterically and pinching bruises into his stomach. They decided that it would be a few days before he could see his family, as this was a major setback. The doctor had said it was a form of self harm. Kurt didn’t exactly agree, but he couldn’t do much besides nod as he stared off into space while the doctor talked about everything wrong with him. 

According to the doctors, Kurt had “anorexia binge/purge subtype,” as well as OCD, depression, and anxiety. The number of diagnoses Kurt received was shocking, though it didn’t really mean much to him. These were all just a bunch of fancy words to tell him that he wasn’t right in the head, and Kurt knew that without a doctor telling him so. When he expressed this to his father, however, the man was quick to reassure him that it wasn’t the case in the slightest. Kurt knew that he meant well, but it felt a bit condescending. Everyone was so desperately trying to convince him that he was normal when he knew he wasn’t. If Kurt was normal, he wouldn’t be in this place. 

With this, Kurt found comfort in some of the other patients. It was nice to talk to people who understood what he was going through. People who had a perfectly normal relationship with food would give him a look of pity and nod sadly, expressing their sympathy and saying that they understood when they very much didn’t. Kurt knew it was just an expression, but it still frustrated him. “ _ no _ ,” he wanted to say, “ _ you don’t get it! You don’t get it at all! This is hell, I can’t even eat a bowl of cheerios without wanting to kill myself! _ ” But Kurt couldn’t say that. He had to give them a tight-lipped smile and thank them, telling them he would be alright when, really, he wasn’t so sure. 

The other patients got it. They  _ actually  _ understood him and what he was going through, because they were going through it too. In a way, being with other patients and acknowledging that they were all a bit fucked up made him feel way more normal than having non-disordered people tell him that there was nothing wrong with him. It motivated him to do better and try to improve. Due to the small size of the unit, they had all become quite close. There were only about eight people there at a time to “ensure quality of treatment.” This wasn’t always the best thing, considering how many people may need care but not be able to get it, but it was good for those already in the program. Because of how small it was, they had become a close-knit group who could encourage each other to recover and adopt healthy habits. 

When Kurt was allowed to see his family (for real this time), he felt a lot less insecure about it than he had previously. His doctor had helped him work through some of these feelings of inadequacy, and he was slowly beginning to accept that he wasn’t as large as he thought he was, and accepting that was a part of recovery. They were only allowed to come in one at a time for the first visit so as not to overwhelm him, so Kurt requested to see Finn first. 

He felt it was only fair. Finn was the first person who knew about his disorder and encouraged him to get help. His brother had been there for him and still loved him, which was a huge reassurance in terms of letting people know that something wasn’t right. When the (very) tall boy came through the door, Kurt jumped to his feet, a wide smile making its way across his face. Finn took him by the shoulders, looking him up and down before pulling him into a tight hug. 

“You look great! I missed you, dude-” Kurt hugged him back, feeling a bit relieved by his comment. Finn seemed genuinely happy to see that he had gained weight, he didn’t seem judgmental in the slightest. They talked for a bit about various things, and their conversation ended with Finn promising to come back the next day. When they went in for their goodbye hug, Finn whispered to Kurt that he was proud of him, making Kurt feel warm inside. He was glad someone saw how hard he was working to get better.

The next person to come in was Carole. She grasped his shoulders in a manner similar to Finn, telling him that he looked really good and hugging him. Kurt found it a bit amusing how her son had greeted him in almost the exact same way, mentally commenting to himself about how the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

He and Carole discussed what had led him up to the point he had been at, as well as what exactly they could do when he got home to support him and make sure he didn’t fall back into the habits that landed him there. Kurt confided in her, which felt surprisingly nice. He told her everything from Sue’s “pear hips” comment to his budding relationship with Sebastian. The conversation ended with the two of them in tears, feeling much closer to each other than they had before. 

Kurt’s dad was the last to come in. This time, when Kurt saw him, he was the one to initiate the hug, just burying his face in his father’s shoulder and whispering to him. 

“Dad, I missed you,” he breathed. Burt just hugged his son back protectively, glad that he didn’t feel as fragile as he had before. 

“I missed you too, bud.” There was a bit of tension in the room, and they sat on Kurt’s bed in an awkward sort of silence for a moment before he spoke up. 

“I hit 108 pounds today,” he announced, looking at his father, who smiled. 

“That’s great! See, I told you you could do this!” Kurt nodded slightly. The look of pride on his father’s face made him feel a bit better. Secretly, while Burt was happy his son was gaining weight, he still wished he weighed a bit more. He knew, of course, that it would take time, and it was important to acknowledge his son’s achievement. No matter his exact feelings on a situation, in the end, Burt just wanted what was best for his son. “I’m proud of you.” 

Kurt offered a weak smile. This was incredibly difficult, he felt like he had betrayed his father in some way. Luckily, Burt seemed to pick up on his discomfort. 

“Listen, kiddo, I love you. I know you’ve been struggling a lot, but it doesn’t make me love you any less. You’re my kid, and you always will be. I’m here for you, okay?” Kurt blinked, looking at his father. He wasn’t sure what exactly to say, but he was so incredibly grateful. He pulled Burt in for yet another hug.

“I love you, Dad. Thank you for everything.” Burt smiled, patting his back. 

“You don’t have to thank me.” When Kurt pulled away, they sat in silence again, though it was more comfortable than before. Burt eventually spoke up. “So what’s up with you and this Sebastian kid, huh? He- He your boyfriend?” Kurt felt his face get very hot, and he gasped slightly. 

“Dad! No, he isn’t my boyfriend! Sebastian and I are just friends!” Burt smirked slightly, the red on Kurt’s cheeks not going unnoticed. 

“But you like him?” Kurt hid his face in his hands in slight embarrassment. Burt couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, for what it’s worth, I like the kid. He seems good for you.” 

“Dad-”

“I’m just saying! And if you were dating, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I like him a lot more than that Blaine kid who came to see you.” Kurt’s face paled, and he looked up. Evidently, Sebastian hadn’t told him. 

“He- what? Blaine came to see me?” Burt frowned, realizing he probably shouldn’t have said anything. 

“Uh- yeah. He seemed like a real asshole. Sebastian nearly beat his ass.” Kurt couldn’t help but snort slightly, thinking about how he had probably deserved it. 

“What did he say? Wait, actually, no. Don’t tell me, I probably don’t want to know. I’ll have to thank ‘Bastia-” Kurt coughed, “Sebastian for that though.” The corners of Burt’s lips quirked up in a slight smile. 

“‘Bastian?”

“Dad don’t-”

“You sure you two aren’t dating?” Kurt lightly shoved his father’s arm, biting back a smile. 

“I’m sure-” he laughed. While he acted upset, Kurt enjoyed their banter, no matter how embarrassing it was. They went back and forth for a bit before a nurse eventually knocked on the door, letting them know that visiting time was almost up. They bid their goodbyes, and Kurt hugged his father tightly before he left. 

“I love you so much, dad,” he mumbled into his father’s shoulder, not wanting to let go. Burt was a bit taken aback by the intensity of the hug, but was by no means complaining, and returned it with little hesitation (though not too hard, as he was still a bit afraid of breaking him).

“I love you too, Kurt, no matter what. I’ll be back soon, okay? You hang in there.” Burt pressed a kiss to his son’s forehead and left, feeling both relieved and saddened by the sight of his son in that place. That night, Kurt slept better than he had in a long time. Things were finally starting to look up for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and tell me what you thought! These are my only source of seratonin. I love you guys, thank you so much for reading my story!! If anyone needs to reach out, I'm here. There should be a new chapter sometime within the next week.  
> Cherie x


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An update?? No way!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought! I love reading your comments!

Kurt had been in the treatment center for a month when he finally got the news that he would be going home. While he felt like he should be excited, he was more scared than anything else. Kurt didn’t know whether he would fall back into old habits, and he wasn’t sure how exactly he was going to face the Warblers and his friends. He had made a to-do list of the things that would need to be done. Because his disordered eating apparently stemmed from a need for control, his doctor recommended that he try other things so he doesn’t resort to starvation. One of these things was making to-do lists. Kurt needed to thank Santana, Sue, and the Warblers, as well as Puck, who was apparently worried sick. Finn had been coming in nearly every day, and he told Kurt about how Puck asked about him all the time. Kurt found it sweet; the boy put on a tough facade, but really, he cared just as much as everyone else, if not more. 

Kurt soon found himself packing up his things, exchanging tearful goodbyes and promises to stay in touch with the other patients. When his dad pulled up, the first thing he did was hug his son tightly. Kurt smiled, returning the hug. For the first time, he wasn’t worried about the fat on his body or his father judging him. Kurt was filled with joy as his father whispered to him.

“I’m so proud of you, bud.” Kurt smiled. He felt that it may make him a bit self-absorbed- it didn’t- but he was proud of himself too. Kurt had thought he was going to die from his disorder, and now things seemed at least somewhat okay again, for which he was very grateful. 

When he and his dad got to the car, Kurt couldn’t help but cringe slightly as he saw it. Memories flashed through his mind of his father cradling him and begging him to stay alive as he faded in and out of consciousness. He froze, suddenly unable to get his mind off of that- of how he felt when he first got to the hospital. Luckily, Burt seemed to notice and wrapped an arm around Kurt, pulling the boy into his side. Kurt relaxed noticeably, though was still a bit tense. He was beginning to have second thoughts- was he truly better if the backseat of his father’s car was a trigger? 

“Kurt, What’s going on? I need you to talk to me.” Kurt turned to his father, bringing a hand to his cheek and realizing that a few tears were making their way down his face. He quickly wiped them away and shook his head. Kurt opened his mouth to tell his dad it was nothing, but remembered what his doctor said about keeping things inside. 

“I just-” Kurt sighed slightly, not completely sure what to say. What exactly are you supposed to say to your father after nearly dying in his arms? “I’m sorry, Dad,” he finally said. “I never wanted to worry you, or for it to get as bad as it did. I don’t think I even realized how bad it actually was until I nearly died. I don’t know, seeing the backseat just reminded me of- of when Sebastian was driving us to the hospital. I was so cold and tired. I thought I was about to die, and you looked so scared-” Kurt was crying again, a bit embarrassed to be having a breakdown in the parking lot. “-you were talking to me about Mom and begging me to stay alive, and I just kept thinking about how I was letting you down. I thought that it was the last time that I’d see you. I was so sure that I was about to die, and I was just thinking about how I’d never get to sing again, or pretend to watch football with you, or any of that, because that would be it for me. That wasn’t how I wanted to go, I wasn’t ready- and I’m still not. I don’t know, just- seeing that backseat reminded me of that and of how scared I was.” Kurt didn’t even bother to wipe his eyes at this point, just looking up at his dad with clear regret in his eyes. “I love you so, so much, Dad. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and I never wanted to let you down like this.” 

Burt was shocked, not having expected this. It broke his heart to see how much his kid had struggled and how he had been feeling in that awful moment. Burt didn’t exactly know what to say, but luckily, some sort of paternal instinct took over as he pulled Kurt in for another tight hug, cradling the back of his son’s head to his shoulder with one hand and rubbing his back with the other. 

“Listen to me, Kurt, I love you so much. You didn’t let me down, I was just scared for you- we all were! But it’s okay now. Things are going to be difficult, but I promise you’re going to get through it. I meant everything I said- about you being like your mother? And about how much I loved you? It’s true. If your mom were here, she would be so, _so_ incredibly proud of you. You’re only seventeen and you’ve been through more than most adults have, and you know what? You’re still kicking, and it’s because you, Kurt Hummel, are strong, stronger than anyone I know. So you got a little off track, it happens. The important thing is that you got through it, so I don’t want to hear any of this apologizing for disappointing me or anything like that, because you could never disappoint me. I love you so much. So, you’re going to drive us home so that you won’t be focusing on the backseat, and if you need me to take over at any point, just let me know and I will. Deal?”

Kurt nodded quickly, sniffling and wiping his eyes on his sleeve. He couldn’t help but let out a slight laugh as he did so, replying to his father.

“Deal.” 

Burt tossed his keys toward Kurt, who sort of just batted them away from himself instinctively with one hand and then picked them off the ground. 

“I should have expected that,” chuckled Burt. Kurt smiled slightly. 

“That’s probably why I was the kicker.” 

“For what it’s worth, you were a hell of a kicker.” Kurt laughed, getting into the car and starting it. There was a sort of silence in the car, though it wasn’t nearly as awkward as they had expected it to be. One of them would occasionally make some sort of passive comment or remark, but they mostly remained lost in thought, enjoying the other’s presence on the long drive home. 

* * *

When Sebastian got the text that Kurt would be coming home, he was thrilled. He and Burt had been texting nearly every day, mostly Burt giving him updates and Sebastian thanking him profusely. While Sebastian wasn’t exactly friends with Jeff, he figured he should tell him, considering how close he was to Kurt.

Evidently, this was a mistake. Of course, Jeff was very excited at first, but it went downhill at Warbler’s practice. Jeff had walked into the room in his regular fashion, but his expression darkened once he saw Blaine. He stormed over to the boy, cornering him.

“Listen to me, Anderson. Kurt’s coming back next week, and he doesn’t need you fucking everything up. I need you to promise not to talk to him. Both my and Sebastian’s families are far richer than yours, so we can make things very difficult for you if we so choose.” Blaine’s eyes narrowed, all of the Warblers were staring at them in surprise. A few of them looked at Nick as if to ask him to restrain his boyfriend, but he just looked impressed.

“I really don’t see how it’s your business who I do or don’t talk to,” sneered Blaine. Jeff scoffed.

“How despicable are you? You played a huge part in this! Kurt was in the hospital for over a month, he’s made huge progress. We don’t need you fucking everything up!” 

“How is any of this my fault?! Kurt’s fucking crazy or something, it has nothing to do with me!” Sebastian growled, stepping forward. Nick placed a hand in front of Sebastian as if to say that Jeff had it covered. 

“It has everything to do with you! Kurt practically worshipped you from day one! When you tell your anorexic boyfriend that he’s fat on the daily, you’re actively feeding his disorder.” The Warblers blinked, looking around at each other in confusion before back to Jeff. Some of them had figured it out, but most of them hadn’t realized. Nick didn’t want Jeff to overshare anymore and spoke up. 

“Jeff, hon-” Jeff just glared at Blaine, turning around to leave. He didn’t feel like practicing anymore. Blaine, however, wasn’t quite done. 

“He was clearly being dramatic! You act like he was dying or something. Besides, even if he was, I couldn’t care less.” A fuming Sebastian was the one to respond this time. 

“You fucking saw him, his organs were failing!” Jeff, however, was much faster. He turned around and punched Blaine across the face as hard as he could, causing the boy to stumble back. A shocked silence echoed across the room, and Jeff seemed just as surprised. Blaine clutched his cheek, glaring at everyone before leaving the room to spit out the blood filling his mouth. When the door slammed shut, everything that had happened seemed to fully register. The Warblers began clapping and cheering for Jeff, who just looked surprised. None of them, including Jeff himself, knew he was capable of something like that.

Eventually, Wes banged his gavel on the table.

“Order, Warblers! I would like to verify what we all just saw. Blaine Anderson verbally assaulted one of our own and stumbled into the doorframe on his way out. He will hereby be stripped of his Warbler title for bullying. All in favor?” Everyone raised their hands, and Trent muttered something to Skylar about how he never wanted to be on the Warblers’ bad side. Wes ended practice early, figuring that they all needed time to process the news about Kurt and calm down after the excitement of the fight (if you could call it that). Afterwards, he made his way over to Jeff, who had Nick fussing over his hand and making sure it wasn’t hurt. 

“I defended you this time, but I’d like you to know that we don’t usually take too kindly to violence,” remarked Wes. He seemed rather serious, but the boys couldn’t help notice the small smile playing its way across his face that said he wasn’t upset about what Jeff had done. 

* * *

The biggest downside to what Jeff had done was how almost the entire school knew about Kurt’s disorder. Of course, no one was judging him for it, but it was still fairly certain that Kurt wouldn’t have wanted it broadcasted in that way. Jeff knew that he would have to tell Kurt, and he decided to text him to let him know. He went ahead and texted the groupchat with both Kurt and Nick (Blaine had been removed from it after the two broke up). 

_‘hey Kurt!! congrats on getting out of the hospital!!’_ After a few minutes, Kurt replied. 

_‘Thanks Jeff’_ and then another text, _‘I missed you.’_ Jeff couldn’t help but smile slightly, but realized that he needed to burst his bubble and tell him. 

‘ _I missed you too but i have some bad news’_ The bubble at the bottom of the screen indicated that Kurt was typing for a few minutes before finally sending a response.

‘ _What is it?’_ Jeff played around with a few different responses to soften the blow, but decided to just come out and say it. 

‘ _pretty much all of Dalton knows about your disorder’_ Kurt’s reply came through almost immediately.

‘ _What?? How?!’_

‘ _I sort of told the warblers and i guess the news spread’_ Jeff paused before sending another text. ‘ _I’m really sorry it was an accident!!’_ Kurt wasn’t exactly thrilled, but he couldn’t be mad at his best friend.

‘ _It’s okay. How did it happen?’_

‘ _i got in a fight with blaine and he was being ignorant and i just sort of blurted it out’_ Jeff wasn’t sure if he should tell Kurt everything, not wanting to worry him. However, he figured that he sort of owed his friend the full truth, as he would probably find out eventually once he came back to Dalton, and he’d just be upset that Jeff didn’t tell him. ‘ _idk it just happened’_

_‘What “just happened?”’_

_‘...’_

_‘Jeff?’_ After about thirty seconds without a response, Kurt texted again. _‘Jeffrey Sterling, answer the text or so help me god!’_ Jeff knew that Kurt wasn’t playing around and reluctantly answered. 

_‘i sort of punched him in the face…’_ This was about the time that Nick decided to stop lurking in the chat and speak up. 

_‘i was there it was awesome. btw congrats kurt!’_ Nick added helpfully. 

_‘Thanks Nick. BUT JEFF!! YOU’RE GOING TO GET KICKED OFF THE WARBLERS’_ Kurt was taking this a lot better than Jeff had expected. 

_‘actually thats a funny story. wes basically told us to lie if asked and kicked blaine off the warblers. people actually clapped.’_ Nick decided to interject yet again.

 _‘its true i was there.’_ Kurt was baffled. 

_‘huh. Thanks for defending my honor, I guess. Tell Wes I said thanks.’_

_‘will do and again im really sorry and excited to see you again. i wish you were their lol.’_ Kurt couldn’t help but to correct him. 

_‘*there’_ He laughed softly to himself. _‘but it’s okay. I’ll be back on Monday. Please try to keep the rumor mill at bay for me!!’_ Jeff smiled. 

_‘of course. love you! <3’ _

_‘Love you too :)’_

* * *

When Kurt went upstairs to tell his father about what Jeff had done, he saw that Rachel was there and cringed, trying to sneak past before she saw him. The girl meant well, but she was painfully self absorbed. Unfortunately, she saw him and ran over, embracing him in a hug. 

‘Kurt!! How’s my best gay doing?! I wanted to come and sing to you while you were at the hospital, but the nurses were mean and wouldn’t let me in. I’m sure if I had, you would have been out a lot faster. Anyways, you’re looking really healthy!” Kurt cringed at this comment. It sort of felt like she was calling him fat, and he wanted to get out of the situation as soon as possible; this was painfully uncomfortable and he couldn’t help but wonder if she was being serious. Unfortunately, it got worse.

“Finn told me all about what was going on-” Finn! So that’s who Kurt had to blame for this! “-and I felt so bad!! But then I thought about how this was songwriting gold! An anorexic best gay?! What luck, right? I remember I tried to be bulimic, but I couldn’t do it. I like, totally gave up by the end of the day. Anyways, I’m glad you’re doing well! I have to run, I have a voice lesson in an hour and like to be properly warmed up by then. Bye!” And with that, Rachel rushed out the door, leaving Kurt standing there in shock. She hadn’t let him get a single word in; he had not missed her. He wasn’t quite sure how she had managed to make his eating disorder all about her, and found it almost laughable. 

Luckily, Kurt was able to mostly laugh it off and made his way into the kitchen where his dad was. 

“Hey, dad. Did you let Rachel in? She just completely ambushed me and basically told me that her voice would have healed me faster-” Kurt laughed slightly, and Burt just sighed. 

“Wow. That’s painfully insensitive, even for Rachel. I hope she didn’t make another copy of Finn’s keys. Anyways, are you feeling okay? I thought you were taking a nap.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I found it funny, if not a bit uncomfortable. I came down to talk to you because I got a text from Jeff. Apparently he punched Blaine during Warblers practice.” Burt looked shocked,

“Jeff, the blonde one who looks like he couldn’t hurt a fly?”

“Yep, right in the face.” Burt’s face morphed into a mischievous smile, and he cackled loudly. 

“I knew I liked that kid!”

“Yeah! And you haven’t even heard the best part! The captain, Wes, he kicked Blaine off the Warblers-” 

“Good, maybe other people will get solos for a change!”

“Exactly!” They were silent for a few minutes before Burt spoke up. 

“I’ve gotta say, I like your Dalton friends much more than I like your McKinley friends. I was a bit worried, but I definitely think we made the right choice by sending you there.” Kurt nodded, smiling at his feet. 

“I love it there. It’s so refreshing to not have to flinch every time I turn a corner. I’m definitely going to finish out high school there-” 

“I hope you do, it’s good for you. When I got into contact with your teachers, they were so understanding. They said you were a great student and to take all the time you needed. I remember yelling at that teacher from McKinley who tried to argue when I took you home sick-” Kurt hid his face in his hands. 

“Oh god, don’t remind me…” They went back and forth for a few more minutes before Carole came in a bit hesitantly, followed by Finn.

“Dinner’s ready,” she said. Instinctively, everyone turned to Kurt, who forced a smile. He was painfully aware of how all eyes were on him. 

“Thank you, Carole,” he replied as he strolled into the dining room, “it looks lovely.” They all sat down, dishing out their food. Kurt dished out a surprisingly normal amount, though it looked quite large to him. He could feel everyone staring at him, and reminded himself that it was just because they cared. 

Kurt was rather tense, his fork gripped tightly in his hand as he stared down at his salad _(40)_ with dressing _(53)_ and his spaghetti _(421)_. Kurt knew the calorie counter in his head would go away eventually, but it still made him feel unreasonably anxious. He took a moment to reassure himself before he began eating, taking his time. After he had taken a bite, the whole table seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief. 

“This is lovely, Carole, thank you,” he hummed. Carole smiled warmly at him, glowing with pride. 

“Thank you, Kurt, really.” She sounded a bit too sincere to just be thanking Kurt for the compliment. Of course, they all know what she was really thanking Kurt for, but chose not to mention it. The family was instructed by the doctor that their first few dinners would need to be calm and pleasant, and he needed to be monitored for two hours after. After dinner, Santana would be coming over. They didn’t want to tell Kurt that he was being monitored, even though he probably knew. Besides, Santana had practically forced them to let her come over, she was the reason Kurt had gotten into the treatment center so quickly in the first place. 

Kurt ended up eating most of the food on his plate, stopping when he felt full. He smiled, thanking them again and getting up to take his plate. Finn quickly stood up, bumping the table a bit. 

“No, it’s okay, I’ll get it!” Kurt glanced at his brother’s plate, noticing how he hadn’t even finished his. He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You guys don’t have to walk on eggshells around me or anything. I’m not going to explode, don’t worry.” Finn glanced at Carole, who gestured for him to sit back down. Finn did so, looking a bit embarrassed. 

“I’m just glad you’re back,” he admitted. Kurt smiled. 

“Thank you Finn, that’s very sweet. And for what it’s worth, I missed you.” Finn looked at him with a slight smirk.

“You missed me? What are you, gay?” Carole and Burt both turned to him sharply, but both Kurt and Finn were doubled over in violent laughter. 

“Me?” wheezed Kurt, “No way, _dude._ ” They laughed louder, leaving both adults very confused. They eventually calmed down, wide smiles still on their faces as they gasped for breath. 

“I missed you too,” said Finn, and Kurt snorted. 

“Now who’s the gay one?” They broke out into more (very manly) giggles, and Burt and Carole were baffled. When they had calmed down yet again, Carole spoke up. 

“You boys confuse me so much-” 

“Right!” Exclaimed Burt, though there was a smile on his face; he was glad that Kurt was laughing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you just sit here and say that my daughter looks miserable so maybe we should put Kalani in her place? No i never said that. Yes you most certainly did. NO I DIDNT DINGBAT, LISTEN, I SAID ‘Brooke is your mother-' GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY FACE 'speaking for you or do you want to be here?’ Girls out the room. GIRLS OUT THE ROOM. OUT THE ROOM GIRLS OUT OF THE ROOM oh my gawd. Get off of me! OUT THE ROOM. GET AWAY FROM ME. OUT THE ROOM. GIRLS OUT OF THE ROOM RIGHT NOW. Who do you think you are? GIRLS OUT OF THE ROOM. You are nuts. ALL OF YOU, OUT OF THE ROOM. No you are nuts. You're nuts. NOW, OUT OF THE ROOM. MADDIE YOU TOO, ALL OF YOU OUT OF THE ROOM. NO ALL OF YOU. She’s crazy. NO IM NOT CRAZY YOURE EATING MY FACE. Gotta get out of the room, gotta get out the room, no absolutely not.


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an incredibly short chapter. My motivation has been really low and I've been struggling a lot with my mental health. Hopefully I will have another chapter out soon, but I wanted to at least put out SOMETHING for you guys, haha.

When Kurt was packing up to go back to Dalton on Sunday night, everything truthfully felt a bit robotic. He wasn’t completely sure why everything felt so hopeless, but the world looked a bit more grey. He was excited to see his friends again, and he loved Dalton. He didn’t really even think it had much to do with Dalton, if he was being honest, everything just felt a bit miserable for no reason whatsoever. 

When he admitted this to Carole, she told him that it was actually rather normal. But, normal or not, it did sort of make him want to skip lunch, and maybe dinner and breakfast too. He didn’t though, electing to finish up his packing later and eat a few crackers _(60)_. The day seemed to go by much faster than he wanted it to, full of long goodbyes to his friends and promises to text. The car ride was silent for at least half of the drive to Westerville before Burt broke the silence. 

“So, kiddo, I want you to promise to call me or one of your friends if you start feeling bad again, okay?” Kurt frowned a bit. It kind of felt like his dad didn’t trust him sometimes. Of course, it sort of made sense, as he had been lying about his eating habits for a long time. 

“I promise, dad, just like I did all the other times,” Kurt laughed slightly. He had reassured his father several times that he would reach out to someone if struggling, but he supposed his father couldn’t help but be a bit concerned. 

Before Kurt went back into the school, he and his father had a long conversation about how he was feeling and how people could help him. It was a fairly heavy topic, but Kurt somehow felt lighter as he walked into the school. He supposed that getting everything off of his chest was what did it, as he didn’t have all these secret uncertainties weighing him down anymore. 

As he walked into the school, he noticed a lot of people looking at him, a few of them even giving him pitied looks and smiles. Kurt kept his head down, slinking through the crowd in an effort to get to his dorm. As he walked up the stairs, however, he realized that he was being a bit silly. He didn’t need to slink around the hallways and try his hardest not to be noticed. That’s what McKinley Kurt would have done, and Dalton Kurt didn’t have anything to worry about. So what if he got a few strange looks? Kurt had been through so much, and he knew he could get through this. 

Kurt walked through the school with his head held high, making his way to his dorm and unpacking everything. Once all of his belongings were put away, Kurt made his way downstairs, deciding to stop by Warbler practice and see his friends. 

Clearly, his efforts to seem confident were futile, as the closer Kurt got to the practice room, the further his shoulders slouched. He straightened his blazer a bit nervously, unsure of how exactly they would react to seeing him. _What if they thought he looked fat?_ Kurt immediately pushed this thought out of his mind, reminding himself that no one would think that, and this was his disorder talking. 

Soon, Kurt was standing in front of the large, mahogany doors, willing himself to push them open. He felt as though he were frozen in place, his body not wanting to obey his brain. 

After standing there for the better part of five minutes and trying to psych himself up, Kurt managed to push the doors open, which glided open with considerable ease. When the other boys saw him, they all grinned, at least twelve of them running up to hug him. 

Kurt was a bit overwhelmed by the way he was being sandwiched by a dozen boys, but he certainly wasn’t complaining. They all clamored over each other in an effort to tell him how much they missed him; it made Kurt feel good about himself. When they had finally let him be, Kurt began adjusting his slightly ruffled blazer just to be tackled in a hug.

He yelped and stumbled back slightly, but quickly hugged back with a smile. He didn’t even have to look to know that it was Jeff. 

“I love you so much,” murmured the blonde boy, resting his head on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt just smiled, squeezing him tightly. 

“I love you too,” he hummed, glad to see his friend. They pulled away and conversed for a bit, Nick eventually joining the conversation with a friendly squeeze to Kurt’s shoulder; Nick had never really been a hugger. This, of course, was a bit amusing considering how he was dating Jeff. Luckily, Nick seemed to make an exception for his energetic boyfriend. 

Their conversation subdued slightly, and Kurt looked over Jeff’s shoulder to see Sebastian looking at him with a proud smile. Kurt held up a finger as if to halt the conversation with his friends and walked up to Sebastian, who had his hands stuffed in his pockets in order to restrain himself from aggressively hugging the smaller boy. 

“Sebastian,” he breathed, a lovestruck smile on his face. Sebastian couldn’t take it anymore and pulled Kurt into a tight hug, one which was immediately returned. 

“I missed you,” muttered Sebastian into his ear. Kurt closed his eyes, not ready to let go just yet as he buried his head in Sebastian’s shoulder. 

“I missed you more,” replied Kurt, voice slightly muffled. 

The two hugged for a suspiciously long time, raising the eyebrows of quite a few Warblers. Eventually, someone cleared their throat from behind the two, and they quickly pulled apart. Kurt turned to see Trent standing there with his arms open, a lopsided grin on his face. 

“Alright, my turn-” he joked, pulling Kurt in for a hug. Kurt hugged back, a bit surprised as to how comfortable it felt. Normally, when he hugged people, it made him feel uncomfortable and insecure, but here he was, hugging half of the acapella group and feeling shockingly comfortable. It was truly a testament to how far he had come in just a few short weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and feedback! I love hearing from you guys! Again, so sorry about the length!  
> Cherie x


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I'm updating??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot minute and I apologize for that.

As they walked down to dinner, Kurt couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit anxious. He and Jeff had talked about this, and pretty much the entire dining hall was going to be looking at him. He shakily made his way through the line, quickly joined by Sebastian. As he dished out his food, he noticed how everyone- even the lunch ladies- were staring at him. He knew that it likely meant they cared, but he couldn’t help feeling like an outcast for it. He was grateful for Sebastian.

Sebastian seemed to be the only one treating him like a normal person. He appreciated the way that Sebastian made a point of getting more food than him. He knew that Sebastian had done a good bit of research on eating disorders, and was glad that his friend acknowledged and worked to help him combat the competitive nature of his illness. 

Kurt felt like he was floating. Not that he was dizzy, he just felt as though he was watching whatever was happening through someone else’s eyes. He sat down and began eating, unable to stop the automatic calculator in his head. He ate rather robotically, every movement he made seeming rather forced. He noticed that some of the other Warblers were engaged in some sort of conversation, but couldn’t bring himself to care about whatever it was. Honestly, Kurt was a bit more concerned with the way his heart was pounding. 

Kurt couldn’t help but spiral, beginning to think of how to evenly divide the calories in his food to decide which part of his body they would fatten up. He stared down at his plate, unaware of exactly what he was doing until a slight nudge from a worried-looking Sebastian brought him back to earth.

When he looked up from his plate, he noticed everyone staring at him as if expecting an answer. Evidently, he had been asked a question. 

“Um- sorry, what was that?” asked Kurt, hating how forced his words sounded. Jeff watched him carefully with a furrowed brow. 

“I was just asking if you were okay,” replied Thad, “Didn’t you  _ just  _ come back from treatment?” Kurt cringed slightly, and many of the boys gave their fellow Warbler an incredulous look; Trent smacked him on the back of the head. Kurt, unsure how to respond to this, glanced at Sebastian, who gave him a soft smile and intertwined their fingers under the table. Kurt forced a smile. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! I’m back now, and I’m better! You don’t have to worry about me, I’m cured.” The other boys still seemed a bit suspicious, but their worries had been somewhat quelled. They went back to eating. Sebastian was the only one who didn’t seem convinced, leaning over to whisper against the shell of his ear. 

“Kurt, are you actually okay? You can tell me if you aren’t.” Kurt melted slightly at the feeling of Sebastian’s lips against his ear, as well as the feeling of being cared for. What he didn’t enjoy, however, was the fact that he had to answer the question. He sighed, glancing back down at his plate and pushing around a carrot before stabbing it with his fork. 

“Honestly? I don’t know,” he admitted. Sebastian nodded, grateful that he was being truthful. 

“I’ll walk you to your dorm after dinner and we can talk about it there, yeah? Right now, I need you to finish your plate.” Kurt deflated a bit, but nodded regardless. 

“Thanks, ‘Bastian,” he mumbled, noticing how the boy didn’t let go of his hand. Both boys were overly aware of the way their hands remained interlocked. 

Kurt eventually finished his plate. It took him a bit longer than the others, but he decided it was definitely worth it to see the proud expression on Sebastian’s face. He stood up, reluctantly letting go of his friend’s hand to put away his plate. He made eye contact with Sebastian across the room and gestured to the door.

Sebastian, seeming to get the message, stood up and walked over to the mahogany double doors, meeting him there. They walked back up to Kurt’s dorm in a comfortable silence, knowing that Kurt’s roommates would be in the common area. They both sat on Kurt’s bed, starting separately and gradually moving closer. 

Eventually, the two were artfully intertwined, Sebastian watching the television and Kurt reading a book. They must have sat like that for at least twenty minutes before Sebastian looked back down at Kurt, an unreadable expression. 

“I meant what I said at dinner. If you need to talk about something, I’m here. Honestly, are you alright?” Kurt looked up at him, setting his book aside face down (he would never dog-ear a page).

“I really don’t know,” he admitted, “ sometimes it feels like everything is okay and I’m getting better, and then something will happen to remind me that I’m still messed up. It just feels kind of hopeless, and I don’t know if I’ll ever actually be better. I’m still constantly tempted to starve myself and engage in all of these disordered habits, and I can’t stop myself from counting the calories in everything I eat. It’s not even intentional, and I don’t know how to look at my plate and see food instead of numbers.” When Kurt finished, he wasn’t exactly sure what to make of the silence that followed. He chewed at his lip, waiting for Sebastian to respond. 

“Kurt, I promise you that isn’t messed up. It hasn’t been that long, and you’ve already improved so much. This is really difficult, and you’re killing it! Just tonight, you ate your entire plate at dinner. That's a major improvement from a month ago, and I’m proud of you.” Kurt felt his cheeks flush, and it felt like a conscious effort not to dismiss the praise. After all, Sebastian was right! He was working hard! A slight smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he replied.

“Thank you,” he whispered. When he noticed Sebastian open his mouth, he quickly cut him off, “And don’t tell me not to thank you, because you know me, and you know it won’t do anything. You’ve been so supportive and helpful throughout all of this, and it really means a lot to me that you’ve been there.” Sebastian smiled, pressing a kiss to his hair. He thought about it for a moment before responding in French. 

**_“_ ** _ Of course, my dear. It would take an army to drag me away from you“ _ Kurt melted slightly, chewing at his lip to hide the smile making its way across his face. They both stared at the television, though neither of them were really paying attention to the content. 

Kurt truly hoped that Sebastian didn’t pity him or see him as a charity case. He had grown rather fond of the boy, to put it lightly. He would be absolutely crushed if Sebastian didn’t feel the same. There really was no way that Sebastian could actually feel the same as Kurt. Sure, he confessed, but it was probably just out of pity. Kurt may as well just-

Kurt was brought out of his spiral by a slight squeeze to his hand. 

“No self-sabotage,” scolded Sebastian lightly, a small smile on his face as he brought Kurt’s hand up to brush his lips against his knuckles. 

“Thank you,” hummed Kurt, “and sorry.” Sebastian shook his head. 

“No apologizing either,  _ there is no use apologizing for the things you can’t control. _ ” Kurt just nodded. They stayed in that position for a while until they were eventually disturbed by a knock on the door. 

Sebastian groaned, tossing his head back in frustration. 

“Ugh, I don’t want to move, can you tell them to come back later?” Kurt grinned, happily obliging; he didn’t feel much like moving either.

“We’re busy, can you come back later?” He was unable to keep the laughter out of his voice, finding it amusing the way Sebastian acted like a spurned child. The person on the other side of the door wasn’t having it. 

“If you don’t open the door I’ll do it myself.” Sebastian rolled his eyes and fell back on the bed defeatedly as Kurt unraveled himself and headed toward the door. 

“‘Bastian, stop pouting,” scolded Kurt, rolling his eyes in return when he got exactly the response he had been expecting (“make me”). He chose to ignore his unreasonably flirtatious friend and answer the door. (“Coming, one moment!”) He trotted over and opened the door, not having time to greet whoever it was before he was pulled into a tight hug. 

“I’m so proud of you,” muttered Wes, gripping Kurt tightly. Kurt was unsure how to respond and hesitated. Of course, his hesitation was noticed by Sebastian, who was immediately on guard before he hugged back. Kurt was a bit nervous considering the way Wes had practically caught him red-handed before he went into treatment. Luckily, the older boy just seemed happy for him.

“Thank you, but I’m really-” Wes pulled back.

“Shush, if you dismiss all your hard work, I won’t hesitate to smack you.” Kurt was silent, and Wes continued. “You look really good. I wanted to check in with you myself,” he admitted in an almost paternal fashion. Kurt just smiled, knowing that Wes wasn’t done. He loved the boy, but he had a tendency to delve into somewhat long-winded speeches. “I’m serious though, I’m really happy for you and- oh! Am I interrupting something…?” Wes had noticed Sebastian in Kurt’s bed, immediately jumping to conclusions and turning a bit pink. 

“Oh- No! It’s not like that! Sebastian and I were just talking and-” Sebastian, being Sebastian, had to interrupt. 

“Kurt, honey, come back to bed! I need you!” Kurt went red, rolling his eyes and muttering something under his breath. 

“You fucking asshole-” he rubbed his temples before looking directly at the slightly embarrassed Wes. “We’re just talking, ignore him. He lives to embarrass me.” Wes smirked slightly and nodded. 

“Uh-huh. I’ll leave you two alone. Have fun and make sure to use protection,” he teased. Kurt somehow became more flustered, quickly shutting the door. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily before turning to face Sebastian, who had a faux expression of innocence on his face. 

“I fucking hate you, you know that?” Despite his words, Kurt had a small smile on his face. 

“No you don’t,” replied Sebastian cockily, “you know you love me. Besides, now that he thinks we’re fucking, he’ll leave us alone” Kurt scoffed, laughing slightly. He grabbed a pillow from next to Sebastian and opted to throw it at him. 

“You’re such a prick-” he laughed. 

“I know,” hummed Sebastian, glad to see Kurt’s usual gusto returning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading through past comments on this for motivation because I seek validation, and I have to say: I am absolutely living for the Blaine slander.


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major TW! This goes without saying for the book at this point, but I still like to say it, haha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbelievable. I'm updating??   
> It is four am. I have spent five hours on this chapter, but it is here.

Kurt had been doing so well. It had been nearly a month since he left the treatment center, and he was improving remarkably well considering how deep into his disorder he had been. He had been seeing his nutritionist and psychiatrist regularly, and his concerning conversations with Sebastian had become few and far between.

Of course, this wasn’t to say that he no longer talked to Sebastian. If anything, their bond had deepened, and while the boy still watched him, there seemed to be less habitual concern from both sides.

Sebastian supposed he should have known something like this was coming. He wanted so desperately to believe that Kurt wasn’t struggling as much, despite knowing how hard recovery must be. It was wishful thinking on his part, and he probably should have known better, but he didn’t. 

Kurt was disappointed in himself. He felt so stupid. He had been eating three meals and two snacks a day! The calorie counter in his head was still there, but was no longer in the forefront of his mind when he ate. He couldn’t help but wonder how weak it made him. He couldn’t even listen to the radio without wanting to starve himself to death. He supposed that this was why they insisted on no outside contact at the treatment center; it seemed like there were triggers everywhere.

His pseudo-relapse was triggered by a seemingly innocuous event: he was listening to the radio in the morning when  _ Control  _ by Halsey came on. He knew that it was stupid, but he couldn’t help but flash to the moments where the song blasted in his headphones as he ran around the track until he felt dizzy. He thought of the way he would mouth the lyrics as he cried himself to sleep and tried to convince himself he wasn’t hungry. It made him want to scream. 

Kurt knew that he shouldn’t miss it, but he did. He missed seeing the numbers drop on the scale, he missed the way people on the street startled at the sight of him, he missed the feeling of being in control, even if it wasn’t real. Kurt should have turned off the song, he should have called his therapist and explained everything. That way, someone could have helped him before he actually acted on his impulses. There were a lot of things Kurt should have done differently, but he instead opted for the most self destructive option. 

When the song came on, he had been getting ready for breakfast. He was alone in his dorm, so he had the freedom to listen to music out loud. He had been ironing his uniform when the song came on. Kurt heard the opening notes and froze, memories flooding back to him. He stood there as it played, just allowing himself to be consumed by memories. After the song finished, he felt himself overwhelmed by a slight panic. Kurt wasn’t ready for it to be over yet!

What Kurt did next was likely the worst thing he could have done. He pulled out his phone, finding one of his old playlists from spotify and plugging in his headphones. This playlist was what he would listen to at the height of his disorder. A part of him knew this was a bad idea, but he wasn’t ready to get rid of the rush the song had given him, choosing instead to prolong it as much as possible. 

As he listened, Kurt felt the familiar mixture of fear and exhilaration. He felt his disorder begin to envelop him, and he found it alarmingly comforting. He was suddenly remarkably aware of all of the weight he had put on. He stood up calmly, walking to the mirror and just staring. He hated what he saw, and decided that he could at least lose a few pounds. He would be more careful this time, and no one had to know! Just until he could see his cheekbones a little bit more clearly. 

Kurt was acutely aware of the way he pulled at his stomach and grasped at his collarbones. He wasn’t sure exactly how long he stood there for, but it was much longer than he intended. as when he checked the time, he realized he needed to get changed before missing breakfast. As much as he wanted to do that, he knew how suspicious it could seem. 

It frustrated him that he couldn’t do what he wanted with his body. If he wanted to skip a meal, why couldn’t he? However, he had to keep everyone off his tail so they didn’t call his dad. A part of him knew his father and Sebastian would be disappointed in him, but it felt remarkably detached. Besides, they couldn’t be disappointed if they didn’t know! 

When Kurt made his way down to breakfast, he made sure not to let anyone know something was wrong. He got his usual breakfast  _ (846) _ of buttered toast  _ (116) _ , an egg  _ (80) _ , a protein bar  _ (300) _ , and the Ensure  _ (350) _ that he was required to drink with every meal. He felt relatively confident knowing that his friends didn’t know most of his tricks. Feeling both lighter and heavier at the same time, he made his way to the table with a ziploc bag in his pocket and the empty Ensure bottle from dinner. 

He sat down with an unusual air of serenity to him, one that did not go unnoticed by the other Warblers. He offered a soft smile, feeling calmer than he had in a long time; more in control. 

“Good morning,” he breezed, taking his usual seat next to Sebastian and giving Sebastian’s thigh a slight squeeze. Evidently, this took the boy by surprise, and he nearly choked on his water. Regardless, he smiled. 

“Morning, Kurt. I’m glad to see you’re in a good mood today,” he remarked. Some of the other Warblers nodded in agreement, Wes wearing a look of pride that should have made Kurt feel guilty. 

“Yeah, you look more at peace then I’ve seen you in a long time.” Kurt offered Wes a smile in response, taking a fake sip from his Ensure so that he had time to formulate his reply. 

“Honestly, I’m really proud of myself. It may sound conceited-” Sebastian tutted disapprovingly, which Kurt chose to ignore, “-but I feel like I’ve been doing really well. My nutritionist decided that I’m ready to have meetings every other week instead of every week.” This wasn’t a lie, so Kurt didn’t have to feel bad about it. 

The other Warblers smiled supportively, everyone uttering their own forms of congratulations to him. Kurt brushed off their praise in a rather Kurt-like fashion, and Sebastian told him not to brush off his achievements in a rather Sebastian-like fashion. The others chuckled at their dynamic and everyone went back to eating, not feeling like they had to fuss over Kurt or watch his every bite anymore. 

Kurt, of course, used this to his advantage. He usually put his egg on his toast and cut it up, so this would not be alarming to anyone or seem unusual. However, this time, not much of it actually made its way into his mouth. When no one was looking, he would make sure to discreetly push a piece off his fork and into the napkin in his lap, where he could then slip it into the bag in his pocket. The bites that he had taken, he managed to spit into the empty Ensure bottle under the guise of taking a sip. It was surprisingly easy to slip back into his old habits, which, in a way, made it harder to notice. 

Kurt had cleared his plate, but only eaten about five bites  _ (75) _ , just to soothe his rumbling stomach. He could chug water in the bathroom to appease his body. After getting into a normal eating pattern, his body was no longer desensitized to hunger, something he knew he would have to fix. After breakfast, he discarded the empty bottle and plate, leaving the plastic bag in his pocket to get rid of that night

No one noticed anything different at breakfast. Of course, they shouldn’t have to. They were teenage boys, not professionals, and Kurt’s disorder was not their fault or responsibility. Kurt was honestly quite grateful for this. He also knew that his friends from the chatrooms he used to frequent would be glad to see him, and he found himself grateful he hadn’t deleted the accounts due to a sick need for the preservation of sentimentality. 

He made it through his classes until lunch feeling much more alert than usual. Right before lunch, he decided to go for a stroll through the courtyard so that he could burn off some of the calories from breakfast. He made it to lunch only a few minutes late, having had to stop by a bathroom to dump out his Ensure and pocket the bottle. When he got to the cafeteria and got his lunch: 221  _ (spaghetti)  _ with 100  _ (tomato sauce)  _ and 130  _ (salad with dressing) _ , he pushed the food around his plate for a moment, feeling a lot more scared of this meal than he had of breakfast. He reminded himself, however, that he could do this.

The way he pushed the food around his plate, even if only for a second, did not go unnoticed. Sebastian gave him a concerned look, and Kurt wondered if the other boy could hear his racing heart. He forced a slight smile and stabbed some of the salad onto his fork, chewing it. He knew it shouldn’t feel difficult, but his jaw felt as though it were made of lead. He didn’t want to look at Sebastian, but he felt the boy staring at him with the same unreadable expression he had grown to know so well. 

Evidently, Kurt chewed the same bite of salad for a suspiciously long time, unable to focus on anything besides the dressing that was coating his salad; his salad that was supposed to be healthy but was ruined by the oil in the dressing. Honestly, what was the point of a salad if not to be low calorie? What was the point of eating besides staying alive?! 

Kurt somehow managed to swallow the bite, feeling relieved before remembering he had an entire plate to finish. He had been able to do this at breakfast, so why did it feel like pulling teeth now? He couldn’t exactly spit out the food with the way Sebastian (and several other Warblers) watched him in mounting concern. He forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat as he forced another bite into his mouth, feeling like the walls were closing in around him. He felt incredibly stupid. Kurt suddenly realized that he had ruined all of his progress so easily; and over a song! His eyes darted around the table, noticing the worried looks his friends were giving him. He could see their mouths moving, but couldn’t hear what they were saying over the pounding in his ears. 

Kurt could vaguely feel Sebastian place a hand over his knee, knowing that the other boy was saying something to him, most likely asking him if he was alright. Kurt couldn’t even bring himself to look at Sebastian, feeling ashamed. He could feel the bite in his mouth burning and quickly spat it into his napkin. He wasn’t entirely aware of his actions, but he knew that he was not about to swallow something with at least ten calories per bite. Unfortunately, this seemed to get the attention of every Warbler, and confirmed that something was very much not right. 

Kurt still couldn’t hear what they were saying, and briefly wondered to himself if he was having a heart attack. Upon realizing what he had done in front of everyone, Kurt glanced down at the napkin and then pushed the plate away from himself a bit more aggressively than intended, revealing just how hard he was trembling. He quickly jumped up from his seat and bolted out of the dining hall, feeling the eyes of the Warblers as he left. He didn’t know where to go, but he knew that he didn’t want to be found, so he began to run. He eventually found himself in the bathroom, tears in his eyes as he was guided by some unseen force to the toilet. It almost felt as though it were someone else shoving his fingers down his throat to get rid of the single bite of salad. 

The feeling of his stomach lurching was enough to pull Kurt back to reality before he actually got rid of what little food was in his system. He stood up shakily, driven purely by adrenaline as he scrubbed his hands red, knowing that the others must be looking for him. Soon, he was on the roof. He didn’t remember running up the several flights of stairs to get there, but was sure he must have looked utterly insane while doing it. He felt rather selfish, because he knew people were most definitely looking for him, but somehow, going back down and facing them felt worse. Maybe if he hid long enough, he would disappear. 

Kurt was acutely aware of the way he buried his head between his knees, muffling his sobs into the heel of his hand as he tried to get oxygen through his intense hyperventilation. He was both unaware and overly aware of the way the cold of the concrete seeped through the seat of his pants. Honestly, it was far too cold to be out there without a proper coat of some sort, but to Kurt, it felt abnormally hot. 

After what felt like an eternity (or no time at all), Kurt could feel a hand on his arm. He instinctively jerked away, but relaxed slightly as a comforting voice shushed him. 

Kurt wasn’t that close with Wes, but for some reason, he trusted him. Perhaps it was the way he could be oddly paternal when he wanted to be, but he somehow felt safe. When Wes reassured him that he was okay and that he was safe, a part of Kurt knew that he could believe him. He could hear the older boy muttering to someone to get Sebastian, but couldn’t bring himself to look up and see who else was there. He hoped there weren't too many people. 

Kurt was already in near hysterics, sobbing into the heel of his hand and occasionally saying things that didn’t make much sense. In fact, he likely wasn’t even aware that he was saying it. What did bring him back to earth, even just slightly, was feeling familiar arms wrap around him. He didn’t have to look up to know who it was, breathing a sigh of relief. 

“‘Bastian-” he clung to the boy like his life depended on it, knowing that he could trust Sebastian. Sebastian could help him; Sebastian was safe. 

“You’re okay, Kurt, I’m here,” cooed Sebastian, not letting go, but making sure Kurt knew he could pull away if needed. Luckily, Kurt didn’t seem to feel the need, just leaning into the touch. 

“Sebastian, I fucked it all up. I ruined everything! I was doing so well and then I ruined it! All of my progress is gone,” sobbed Kurt. Sebastian was quick to reassure him. 

“Kurt, we both know that isn’t true. One incident does not erase all of the hard work and progress you’ve made. You know recovery isn’t linear, you were the one who told me that! You’ve been doing so well. You ate your entire plate at breakfast this morning, that’s something to be proud of!” 

Kurt let out another choked sob, fumbling for his jacket pocket until his hands found the ziploc bag of uneaten food. He didn’t quite have the grace to hand it to Sebastian in his current state, so he sort of threw it onto the ground in a rather distressed manner. 

“I didn’t,” he mumbled, seeming to be calming down at least slightly now that someone was helping him form coherent thoughts. Sebastian picked up the bag, frowning and sharing a look with Wes, who was informing the Warblers that they were with Kurt and that he was safe. 

“That’s okay, Kurt. No one ever said this was easy, and it’s okay to slip up. The important thing is that we caught it early. Right now, I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Kurt, not wanting to disappoint Sebastian, nodded. He wasn’t exactly sure he could at the moment, but he was willing to try for Sebastian. 

“I’ll try. I’m really trying, Sebastian,” he mumbled. Sebastian offered a weak smile, though he knew Kurt couldn’t see it. 

“That’s all I ask.” Eventually, with a little bit of guidance, Kurt was breathing semi-regularly again. He didn’t exactly know what to say, so when he did look up, he just looked off the roof, staring at the campus gardens. Kurt was feeling incredibly ashamed of himself, and didn’t want to look at Sebastian- that would mean this was real, that he had messed up. 

While this hurt Sebastian a bit, he understood. He knew Kurt was feeling embarrassed, if not a bit conflicted. 

“Kurt-” he began. Kurt just shook his head, clearly contemplating whether or not to say something. 

“Do you ever think about jumping? Or just not being here anymore? It would be so much easier than doing this,” he admitted. This was monumentally concerning to both Sebastian and Wes, and neither of them knew quite how to respond to this. Surprisingly, the first one to speak up was Wes. 

“Kurt, I know that this is really hard for you. You’re doing something incredibly difficult and brave. But, I can tell you that suicide isn’t the answer. I’ve been there, and I can tell you firsthand. That moment after jumping, or taking pills or whatever- it’s really scary. It’s so much worse. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I promise it will get better. It just takes time. You’re probably tired of hearing that, but there’s a reason people say it so often; it’s true.” This actually caused Kurt to look up, looking at Wes in confusion. Wes always seemed so perfect and put together. Hearing that he had felt like that too was shocking, albeit comforting. It made him feel like he wasn’t as alone or fucked up as he thought he was. Sebastian decided to speak up. 

“I know you won’t want to, but I think you need to talk to Dr Terrance about this. We’re just kids, and as much as I wish I had the answer to everything, I think talking to a professional as soon as possible will help a lot more than you think.” Kurt’s shoulders tensed, but he knew Sebastian was right. He didn’t say anything, just glancing up at the other two boys with a heartbreaking vulnerability in his eyes as he reached out to take Sebastian’s hand. He nodded, knowing that his friend was right. 

Kurt offered a teary smile, using his free hand to wipe his eyes and mutter a thanks. He looked to Wes, unsure of what to say. 

“I- had no idea. You seem so…” Kurt trailed off, and Wes laughed slightly. 

“I know. Most people would never guess, but the reason I’m doing so well is because I got help. Relapse is absolutely normal, and even to be expected. Please don’t feel bad about this, I’m just glad we were able to catch this before it got any worse. I want you to know that I and the rest of the Warblers will always be there for you. We all love you and care about you so much, never doubt that.” Wes stood up, but not before pressing a fatherly kiss to the top of Kurt’s head. 

“Just think about what I said, okay?” And with that, he was gone, leaving Kurt and Sebastian alone to process the news they had received. Eventually, Kurt spoked up. 

“Gosh, he’s like a dad-” he laughed weakly, wiping his eyes again with his sleeve. Sebastian snorted a bit and nodded.

“I think Wes is more of a dad to me than my actual father is.” Sebastian said this in a humorous way, but Kurt could sense the slight bitterness in his tone, giving his hand a sympathetic squeeze and offering a watery smile. He would have said more, but it was all he could muster at the moment. Sebastian paused.

“We’re going to have to talk about this later, but I’m sure you’re exhausted. Why don’t I take you back to your dorm? There can be cuddling involved.” Sebastian smiled playfully, and Kurt couldn’t help the way the corners of his lips twitched slightly. 

“I think that goes without saying at this point,” he remarked. Sebastian laughed.

“I know, but I wanted to see you smile,” he replied as he helped Kurt to his feet. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about my lack of updates! Finals week has absolutely knocked me out, and I've been struggling a lot mentally on top of that. Still, I am now officially on break, so I should be able to update at least semi-regularly until classes start again! Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you are enjoying the story! Please leave comments, I can not put into words how happy they make me.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fact that I have updated twice in a week is absolutely insane. I only read over this once because I am exhausted, so I hope you like this, haha.

When Kurt got back to his dorm with Sebastian, he didn’t say anything, just choosing to slump over on the bed and face away from his friend. Sebastian sighed, having expected this. He walked over and sat down next to Kurt, rubbing his back soothingly. After a moment of watching him lie there, Sebastian gently sat him up, which wasn’t very difficult considering his size.

“Alright, I’m not going to let you spiral. Come here.” Kurt obliged, leaning into Sebastian’s side and picking his words carefully. When he couldn’t decide on anything to say, he stayed quiet. Sebastian, picking up on his hesitance, decided to get the conversation started. “Why don’t you tell me what brought this on, yeah? You don’t have to, but it might help to talk about it.” Kurt frowned as he glanced upward to meet Sebastian’s eyes. 

“I will, but can you get Jeff here? I’d rather not have to explain it twice-” he admitted. Sebastian smiled softly, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

“Of course, mon cheri. Give me one second to text him.” Sebastian pulled out his phone and sent Jeff (and by extension, Nick) a text telling him to get to the dorm. While they waited, Sebastian wrapped his arms protectively around Kurt, fully expecting him to burst into tears at any given moment. 

But he didn’t. Kurt’s face remained surprisingly stoic, refusing to betray just how awful he felt. Of course, Sebastian knew his friend well enough to know that he was beating himself up over this. He occasionally wished Kurt was more like himself; able to brush things off and not be affected by them. But, he knew that Kurt was sensitive, especially now. This made him more attuned to other people’s emotions, but it also made him struggle with his own. Sebastian supposed this was part of what made the two of them such a good match. 

When Jeff and Nick came in, Kurt seemed to both perk up and deflate simultaneously, perhaps the relief of seeing Jeff conflicting with the knowledge that he would have to explain what had happened. Luckily, the other two seemed to pick up on his distress and sat down on the opposite bed so as not to overwhelm their friend. 

“Hey Kurt,” said Jeff slowly, “I’m glad to see you. Do you mind telling us what happened?” Kurt was quiet for a long time before slipping his hand into Sebastian’s, something he had gotten into the habit of doing whenever he felt like he needed a bit of extra strength. He was grateful that the soft squeeze Sebastian’s hand offered his own seemed to grant it to him. 

“Yeah, uh…” He trailed off, trying to figure out where to start. “God, this is so stupid. I just heard a song that reminded me of when I would do- you know, those things. It made me miss it, and instead of doing the smart thing and turning it off, I found one of my old playlists with songs like that and listened to the entire thing. Please spare me the lecture though, I know it was dumb.” Kurt slipped his hand from Sebastian’s and stood up, beginning to pace across the room. “I was just really upset about all of the weight I gained and decided that I needed to lose it again, and that no one could find out this time. I ended up not eating anything at breakfast, and then at lunch, Sebastian could tell something was wrong. I had to take a bite of the salad and couldn’t stop thinking about all of the oil in the dressing. I got really anxious, which made everyone else look at me, and then I sort of freaked out and ran. I mean, why wouldn’t I freak out-” Kurt began to pace faster, running a hand through his hair as his voice began to tremble. “I’ve gained so much weight. You can barely see my cheekbones anymore, my stomach is massive, I can feel my thighs jiggle with every step. I’m disgusting, and everyone is trying to fucking force feed me until I explode butter and grease, or whatever it is that they’re trying to stuff down my throat-” Everyone could see Kurt becoming more and more distressed, his pacing quite rapid. Jeff tried to interject.

“Kurt-” Kurt shook his head. 

“And you’re just going to lie to me and tell me that I’m not fat and that you’re just trying to help because you care, despite the fact that if you really cared, you would let me eat however the hell I want to eat, and I wouldn’t have to look like this. I’ve gotten so disgusting, and it’s my fault because I thought I was doing the right thing when I fucking wasn’t-” Kurt was freaking out, starting to move and rearrange things on top of his dresser. “-I shouldn’t have done this whole recovery thing, because before recovery, I was just miserable, but now I’m miserable and  _ fat _ , and that’s even worse. People say they want me to be happy, but if they wanted me to be happy, they wouldn’t be making me eat, because I would have been happy when I hit my goal weight. Now, that’s never going to happen because people are policing my every bite and getting mad at me if I chew my food too much or grip my fork too hard-” Kurt shoved everything off of the dresser in one sweep, causing the other three boys in the room to stand up. Jeff cautiously took a step toward him.

“Kurt-” he tried again. 

“Don’t! And now, you’re looking at me with that same pitied expression that everyone else looks at me with-” Kurt pulled everything out of his drawers and threw it to the floor, picking up one of his shirts and beginning to fold and refold it with shaking hands before eventually throwing it as far away from himself as he could. He was crying at this point, obviously scared out of his mind. “-When I don’t want pity! God, do I need to quit the Warblers to get everyone to leave me alone?! Because I’ll fucking do it! Everyone just needs to leave me alone!” He was yelling, going back to folding and refolding a shirt with increasing frustration as he continued his rapid pacing across the room. 

Jeff managed to stop Kurt, wrapping his arms around the boy and holding onto him as he fell to his knees, still trying to fold the shirt exactly right. Nick rushed over, gently taking the shirt from his shaking hands and carefully folding it himself; he had lived with Kurt long enough to know how the boy liked his shirts folded. 

“Kurt,” breathed Jeff, “calm down. It’s okay. I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be. We love you, and yes, we want you to be happy, but we also want you to be healthy. I just need you to breathe, okay?” 

Kurt nodded, just sitting there stiffly as tears streamed down his face. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I just never thought I’d be like this. I never wanted this to go as far as it did- I start a small diet and then suddenly I’m terrified of butter. I guess I thought if I pushed people away, no one would be disappointed when I inevitably fuck up this whole recovery thing and give up completely,” he admitted. Nick was the one to speak up, choosing his words carefully. 

“Kurt, it’s okay. Setbacks are normal, and we told you that we’d be with you every step of the way. No matter what you say to us, we aren’t leaving.” Sebastian made his way over, nodding in agreement. 

“He’s right. We love you too much to let you keep doing this to yourself, and you need to know that it’s okay to mess up,” he dropped to his knees to be eye-level with Kurt and took his hands. “You don’t have to be perfect all the time.”

Upon hearing this, Kurt’s face crumpled further and he buried his head in Jeff’s shoulder, not letting go of Sebastian’s hands. Sebastian was immediately overcome with guilt and worry.

“No, Kurt, I didn’t mean-” Kurt shook his head rapidly, lifting his head back up in order to make teary eye contact with Sebastian. 

“No, you just- You have no idea how nice it is to hear that,” he sniffled. Sebastian smiled in slight relief.

“Yeah? Well it’s true.” Sebastian glanced up at Nick and Jeff before switching to French. “ _ Do you remember what I told you at the hospital? _ ” Kurt’s cheeks darkened slightly and he looked at Sebastian in confusion. 

“ _ That you were falling in love with me?”  _ Sebastian’s face suddenly felt rather hot, he shook his head. 

“ _ No. Well, that too, but I promised you that you could do this. I told you that you were strong and that I would be with you every step of the way. That hasn’t changed, I meant it then and I mean it now.”  _ Kurt was quiet for a moment before nodding. 

“ _ Thank you Sebastian, it means a lot to hear, especially from you. I- I love you.”  _ Sebastian smiled gently giving his hands another soft squeeze. 

“ _ I love you too. Now why don’t we get started on cleaning your room again?” _ Kurt nodded, glad Sebastian was trying to get his mind off everything that was going on. He mumbled something to Jeff, hugging him tighter and thanking him. The four boys stood up, allowing Kurt his space to put things back how he liked them. As much as they wished they could have helped, Kurt was very specific with the order he liked his things to be placed in the drawers, as well as the organization of everything. He refolded his clothes and put them back in the drawer before picking up the shirt that Nick had folded for him. He thanked him and walked over to the dresser, but refolded it when Nick wasn’t looking. He found it very sweet that the boy had tried. 

Once everything had been picked up, the room was silent as they all tried to think of what to say. Kurt was the first to speak, voice laced with guilt and regret. 

“I’m sorry for saying all that stuff. I didn’t really mean it, I’m so grateful that you all are there for me. I just got scared and I’m sorry.” Kurt’s subconscious reminded him that he had only said it twice and couldn’t help himself but to say it a third time. “I’m sorry.” Nick shook his head.

“Kurt, you don’t need to apologize. After you went into treatment, we did a lot of research on how to best support you. It’s normal for things like this to happen.” Sebastian nodded in agreement. 

“He’s right. That voice telling you to push us away? That’s your disorder. What you’re working on right now is not listening to it. It’s okay to mess up, the important thing is that you pulled yourself back up before it could get worse.” Kurt nodded reluctantly. Secretly, he was wishing that he hadn’t freaked out so that he could continue to starve. He knew, however, that it was unfair to his friends to keep that from them, so he just stared at his lap. 

“I just- can I say something? In complete confidence, of course.” He glanced up at the other three, who nodded and gestured for him to continue. “I don’t know how I feel. I think a part of me wishes I hadn’t relapsed, but then a part of me wishes I relapsed and no one found out. I know that I caused a scene, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the consequences. In a way, I feel like I’d rather just keep going and be miserable than inconvenience everyone else.” Jeff began to speak up, but Sebastian beat him to it. 

“Kurt, you’re in AP physics with me, right?” Kurt nodded, looking at him a bit strangely as if to wonder where he was going with this. Sebastian continued. “Well then you remember when we studied force and motion. According to Newton’s third law of motion, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can apply to pretty much everything, including your situation. I know this seems really bad, and it’s true that it’s going to have consequences, because everything does, good or bad. But, if you had let this keep going, the resulting reaction would have been a lot worse. Worst case scenario, you have to have a few extra meetings with Doctor Terrance and maybe feel a bit awkward. If we hadn’t stopped this, you probably would have had to go back into treatment, which is much worse in the long term.” Kurt nodded again. 

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” he admitted. Jeff and Nick just looked confused, and Nick eventually spoke up. 

“You’re going to have to translate that for us.” Kurt’s mouth twitched in slight amusement. 

“What he means is that, just like in nature, everything has a consequence, and the magnitude of the consequence is equal to the size of the triggering factor. He’s saying that, while this seems bad, if I had let it get worse, the resulting reaction would be way more severe. You took chem, right?” Nick nodded, but Jeff spoke up. 

“I took bio.” Kurt thought for a moment. 

“Okay, so think of it like a glass of water. If you add sodium bicarbonate and citric acid to water, it’s just going to fizz up, whereas if you add straight up sodium, it will explode. One of those is much worse than the other. It may seem bad when you add the acid and sodium bicarbonate, because a reaction occurs, but it’s better to add that than it is to add sodium, because that reaction to sodium is going to be far worse. Sebastian is basically telling me that it’s better to have fizzy water than it is to have my water explode. Does that make sense?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” replied Nick. 

“I’m still confused, but I think that’s just because you two are nerds,” teased Jeff slightly. Kurt laughed.

“Maybe so, but at least we aren’t failing statistics,” joked Sebastian. Kurt made a face. 

“Speak for yourself,” he muttered, and Jeff glared. 

“Kurt, you have a B-minus, that’s hardly failing. Hell, I’m perfectly happy with my D.” Sebastian snorted at that, and Kurt was quick to respond. 

“Sebastian, whatever you were about to say, don’t.” Sebastian gasped. 

“I wasn’t! I’m shocked you would think me so crude!” Upon being met with an exasperated look from Kurt, Sebastian reluctantly corrected himself. “Okay, okay, you caught me. I guess you’re a bad influence.” Kurt smiled softly to himself.

“I would hardly say that my encouraging you to second-guess your innate vulgarity makes me a bad influence, but suit yourself.” Before Sebastian could respond, Jeff answered.

“Oh my gosh, enough with the big words! I feel like it would be less confusing if you two just talked in French again.” The four of them laughed. Kurt leaned into Sebastian affectionately, who wrapped an arm around him instinctively, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple.

Upon seeing the gesture, Nick and Jeff shared a knowing look. Sebastian glared out of the corner of his eye as if to tell them not to say anything about it. They seemed to get the message and kept quiet, though they knew something was going on between Kurt and Sebastian that remained unsaid. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments. This is my one source of seratonin. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, haha. Thank you so much for reading and continuing to read this. I honestly never expected this story to do as well as it did, and I am so grateful for each and every one of you! If you ever need anything, feel free to reach out! I love you all, and I will hopefully put out another chapter soon.   
> Cherie x


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit more lighthearted!  
> Also, I use the word "consideracy." I am exhausted. I have no idea if this is a word. If it isn't, it is now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is four thirty am. Please excuse any mistakes.

That night, Kurt paced back and forth across Sebastian’s dorm as Sebastian did homework, occasionally glancing over the top of his book to check on his friend. Kurt had a skype call with his father in a few minutes in which he knew he would need to explain what happened and schedule an extra appointment with his therapist. Unsurprisingly, he was absolutely dreading it. Kurt was terrified of his dad being disappointed in him, despite everyone assuring him that it wouldn’t be the case. 

Because Sebastian’s dorm mates were out, they had the room to themselves for the time being. Kurt checked his phone for the time before looking to Sebastian. 

“I still have about ten minutes. Can I come over there?” Sebastian gave him a strange look, unsure why he even had to ask, but scooted over, moving his books and papers to make room for his friend. He patted the seat next to him with a slight smile, to which Kurt promptly made his way over, sitting down and leaning into Sebastian’s side. Sebastian wrapped an arm around him, pressing a kiss to his temple and looking back to his book. Kurt seemed to relax significantly, allowing his head to fall onto Sebastian’s shoulder as he closed his eyes. 

Eventually, the time came and Kurt pulled out his laptop, opening skype reluctantly and waiting for his father’s profile to turn green, indicating that he was online. When he hit the call button, he angled the camera so Sebastian was out of the frame, though kept their hands interlocked to maintain some form of the reassuring contact. 

Burt and Carole’s smiling faces appeared on the screen, but seemed to deflate upon catching sight of Kurt’s somber expression. Burt was the first one to speak. 

“Hey, Kurt, it’s good to see you! What’s up?” Kurt smiled weakly. 

“Hey, Dad.” He didn’t answer the second question, suddenly wishing that the conversation did not need to be had. “It’s nice to see you too.” 

“So what’s up? I got a text from you saying that we needed to have a call tonight, as well as one from your buddy Jeff saying the same thing?” Kurt couldn’t help but sigh, silently cursing Jeff for making his father worry. 

“Well, I was probably overreacting a little bit. It’s not even a big deal, and it’s been blown way out of proportion. In fact, I don’t think we really even need to be having this call.” Kurt laughed nervously, though he shrunk upon seeing Sebastian’s face. 

“Kurt, you need to tell him,” muttered Sebastian. Burt, of course, was not surprised that Sebastian was there. 

“Whatever it is, it’s best to just rip the band-aid off,” offered Carole with a reassuring smile. 

“I just had a little bit of a setback, I don’t know. I heard something sort of triggering and skipped a couple of meals and then had an anxiety attack.” Sebastian sighed, realizing that he needed to say something so that Kurt did not continue to downplay his pseudo-relapse and its significance.

“He skipped several meals by pretending to eat them in front of our friends, tried to purge a single bite of salad, and had an anxiety attack where he ended up on the roof.” Burt paused. 

“Thank you Sebastian.” Kurt clenched his jaw, running a hand through his hair and repeating the same words as his father, though his tone was far more annoyed than it was grateful. 

“Kurt, it’s okay. The doctor said these things would happen, and I’m glad you told us. I’m going to make you an appointment with Dr Terrance tomorrow. Why don’t you come home this weekend and we’ll talk more there, yeah?”

Kurt almost found himself frustrated by how understanding they were. It felt like they were mocking him, even if he knew that was certainly not the case. He thought it would almost feel better if they were getting upset with him, because he was tired of feeling like his family felt the need to tiptoe around him to avoid setting him off; he wasn’t a child. However, he kept his frustration at bay and just agreed to whatever they offered, not in the mood to argue. 

When the call was over, Kurt shut his computer and leaned his head against Sebastian’s shoulder, the tension seeming to melt away as his friend wrapped an arm around him.

“God, that was the worst,” he huffed. Sebastian pressed a soft kiss to his temple, pulling him closer. 

“I know, but I’m glad you did it.” 

“Me too,” Kurt admitted. They sat comfortably in silence for a while before realizing that they would soon need to go to bed. Sebastian frowned as he checked the time. 

“It’s almost curfew,” he sighed. Kurt groaned, not moving. 

“Aw, I don’t want to go…” Sebastian nodded, resting his head on top of Kurt’s. 

“I don’t want you to go either. I wish you could just stay here for the night.” Upon hearing this, Kurt paused, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

“I could always just text Jeff to cover for me with the RA, he’s super chill anyway so I doubt he’d care.” Sebastian couldn’t help but perk up slightly. 

“Really?” Kurt nodded, sending a text to Jeff and getting a simple ‘ _ k’ _ in response, followed by a ‘ _ have fun ;) _ ’ to which he rolled his eyes and set his phone aside. 

“We’re all set! We just can’t make a habit of this,” reminded Kurt. Sebastian pouted. 

“You’re no fun-” he teased, to which Kurt grinned. 

“Your idea of fun is getting blackout drunk, so I’ll pass,” he laughed. Sebastian shrugged. 

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it.” Kurt snorted a bit.

“Believe me, I’ve tried it. After what happened, I’ll never do that again.” Kurt cringed a bit at the memory. Sebastian raised an eyebrow, sitting up a bit more to look at him. 

“This I’ve gotta hear. What on earth are you talking about?” 

“Oh gosh…” Kurt sighed, turning to face Sebastian, though stacking his legs on top of his friend’s and not letting go of his hand. “In sophomore year, one of Mr Schue’s former classmates joined the glee club while she was getting her GED. She gave me a thermos full of some alcoholic beverage and told me it would give me courage. I was being bullied so relentlessly that I thought it would help and drank it. I got so drunk that I went up to my guidance counselor, who, by the way, has severe OCD, and called her Bambi. I then told her that I cried so hard when the hunters shot her mom and threw up on her shoes. She had to get three decontamination showers at the emergency room afterwards, it was all around a bad experience.” Sebastian had a hand over his mouth, stifling his laughter.

“Okay, I’m sorry for laughing, that’s really messed up. That lady should not have been at your school and something is obviously wrong with your glee club teacher ( _ “tell me about it” _ ), but that’s hilarious. However, I understand your reluctance and I would never push you to do anything you don’t want to.” 

Kurt smiled gratefully. 

“Thank you, I appreciate that. The whole situation was just really messed up, but I suppose it makes for a funny story.” Sebastian nodded in agreement. 

“A very funny story.” 

* * *

The next morning, Kurt had to get up early for his appointment. He woke up before sunrise wrapped in Sebastian’s arms. It was actually a very nice way to wake up, and he was reluctant to get out of bed. However, he knew it had to be done. He woke Sebastian up with a very gentle kiss to his nose, carefully unraveling himself from his friend. 

Sebastian squinted up at him, but smiled tiredly. 

“Morning, Kurt,” he mumbled, voice thick with sleep. Kurt stretched slightly, giving his hand a slight squeeze before getting out of bed. 

“Morning, ‘Bastian.” Sebastian pouted back at his friend, though both of them missed the warmth of the other. 

“Come back to bed, I’m so lonely,” he whined. Kurt scoffed, but couldn’t hide the endearing smile on his face. 

“It’s been six seconds. Still, if you get up now, we can go get a hot cup of tea and watch the sunrise under a blanket in the park.” Sebastian looked at him incredulously.

“As nice as that sounds, that has to take a while. What time is it?” 

“Six-thirty,” shrugged Kurt. 

“Kurt, that’s way too fucking early,” Sebastian exhaled harshly and groaned, though he sat up and stretched, signaling that he was going to get out of bed anyways. Kurt just laughed, walking over to the mirror and trying his best to comb through his hair with his fingers. He looked disdainfully down at his wrinkled uniform, a bit disappointed with himself for falling asleep in it. Sebastian, seeming to read his mind, quickly spoke up. 

“You can put on something of mine. You won’t be at school today anyway, so being out of uniform isn’t too much of a concern.” Sebastian got out of bed and walked toward the dresser, rooting through it before pulling out a tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. He handed it to Kurt with a smile, who took it albeit reluctantly. “Hold on-” Sebastian paused, opening a new drawer and pulling out a sweatshirt. He handed it to Kurt. “Here, I know you get cold.” 

Kurt couldn’t help but melt slightly at this, the simplicity of the gesture seeming to melt his heart remarkably fast. He glanced down at the clothing in his hands, deciding to swallow his pride and wear it, even if it wasn’t up to his fashion standards. Besides. he was going to be wearing Sebastian’s sweatshirt! Something about that made him feel a plethora of emotions, though he wasn’t exactly complaining. 

“Thank you, Sebastian, I’m going to go put these on.” Kurt walked over to his bag and rooted through it until he found a toothbrush that he tried to carry with him at all times. He shot Sebastian one last grateful smile and closed himself in the bathroom. Kurt made a point of staying turned away from the mirror as he changed, not wanting to catch a glimpse of his body. For this reason, he brushed his teeth before changing, splashing some water on his face and feeling much more alert. 

Being with Sebastian was exciting to Kurt. While it may seem small, Kurt had deviated from his usual skincare routine. Of course, he wasn’t going to make a habit of it, but it was one of those routines he was so insistent on doing perfectly everyday that skipping it was somewhat of a milestone for him. He supposed his rigid insistence on maintaining these routines had something to do with his innate desire for 

control, but Kurt wasn’t particularly in the mood to get philosophical. 

After he had changed, Kurt left the bathroom, smiling at Sebastian, who had changed while he was in there. He twirled playfully, appreciating the way the sweatshirt seemed to envelop him. 

“How do I look?” He joked. Sebastian smiled, eyeing the boy in a way that, surprisingly, did not make him feel self conscious. 

“My clothes are massive on you-” he laughed. “-But you look good. It’s not everyday that I get to see you wearing something that isn’t designer or super fancy, it’s a good look on you.” Kurt flushed slightly, not having been expecting a serious answer. Either way, it was nice to hear. 

“Thank you,” he hummed, walking toward the mirror to see. The first thing he noticed was the way the sweatshirt hung off of him, and the way that, despite being the right length, the “skinny” jeans were noticeably a bit baggy. He knew that he shouldn’t be grateful for this, but Kurt found a sick satisfaction in the fact that he was too skinny for the clothes and instinctively reached to feel at his collarbones. 

Sebastian was quick to take notice of this, deciding not to let this blatant (yet strangely absentminded) bodychecking escalate further. He walked behind Kurt, spinning him around playfully and wrapping his arms around his friend in a hug that seemed a bit too sincere to be platonic. 

“Ready to go?” Sebastian asked, resting his chin on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt, a bit taken aback, returned the hug with a bit of hesitation, though the same amount of sincerity. He nodded, realizing after a moment what Sebastian had done and feeling both grateful and slightly resentful. He knew, however, that the resentment was just his disorder wanting to take over, and opted instead to ignore it. 

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, reluctantly pulling away. 

“Why are you thanking me? Surely you’ve been hugged before,” replied Sebastian with a slight smile. Kurt was aware, however, that Sebastian knew what he was being thanked for, as evidenced by the slightly relieved look in his eyes. 

“You’re sweet,” mumbled Kurt, grabbing a blanket before taking his hand and leading him out of the dorm. Kurt knew that no one would be up, so they were free to do whatever they wished without being seen. Of course, Kurt was more worried about someone approaching him about what had happened yesterday. 

He pushed this thought away, however, as they made it down the stairs and to the coffee shop, reluctantly giving Sebastian’s hand a small squeeze before letting it go. They exchanged a small, sad smile, though neither of them were completely sure why they had let go; they likely assumed that the other would be more comfortable with it, despite the opposite being true. 

Kurt ordered for the both of them; an earl grey with cream and no sugar for Sebastian and a peppermint tea with three sugars for himself. To be perfectly honest, Kurt preferred it with two, but he always ordered it with three, as that number seemed to hold some sort of strange significance for him, likely due to his OCD. As they waited for their drinks, Sebastian looked at Kurt fondly. 

“You always get the peppermint,” he observed. Kurt nodded, stuffing his hands into the pockets of the sweatshirt.

“Yeah, I really love peppermint, it’s probably my favorite flavor. Honestly, if I could live entirely off of candy canes and peppermint flavored things, I probably would. My favorite though is this peppermint whipped cream they sell around Christmas every year. I could probably eat it on its own, but I try not to eat things that come aerosolized, it’s bad for your complexion. Still, I do occasionally make my own with peppermint flavoring. It's surprisingly easy.” Kurt paused, seeming to look around and realize that he had gone off on a rant. His cheeks darkened in slight embarrassment. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that.” Sebastian grinned in response, shaking his head. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I didn’t know you liked peppermint that much. I’ll have to keep that in mind!” Kurt smiled, glancing down at his shoes. Sebastian couldn’t help but think that was part of the reason Kurt was so great to be around. He loved the way he constantly uncovered new sides to his friend that he never would have expected. Kurt had all of these little quirks that fascinated him beyond belief. Sebastian never would have expected to be genuinely interested in hearing a guy rant about his love for peppermint, but he would probably listen to Kurt go on this tangent for hours if it just meant he got to hear his voice. 

Sebastian found himself quite tempted to find some sort of peppermint treat that he could give to Kurt, wanting so desperately to make the other boy smile at him in the way that made his heart ache a little bit. 

They received their drinks and walked down to the park, sitting on a bench and wrapping themselves in the blanket. The way that their thighs pressed together made Kurt feel a bit lightheaded, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Sebastian was feeling the same. They sipped their drinks slowly, allowing the warmth emanating from the cup to seep into their chilly fingers. Kurt rested his head on Sebastian’s shoulder, a gesture that made the other boy smile as his heart sped up a bit. When the sun was fully risen, Kurt glanced up at his friend, a small smile playing at the edges of his lips as he made no effort to hide his smitten expression. 

Fortunately for Kurt, Sebastian seemed to be looking down at him with the exact same expression, feeling an overwhelming urge in that moment to kiss him. 

He didn’t, much to the disappointment of both boys. While they were both aware of their mutual feelings toward one another, they knew it wasn’t quite the time for a relationship. Still, Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if all of this pining and intense longing hurt more than it helped. As grateful as he was for Sebastian’s consideracy, he couldn’t help wanting to actually act on all of these urges- well, some of them. He knew some of the urges he had could be attributed to teenage hormones, but he also knew that the bond and feelings he had for Sebastian went a lot deeper than that. 

Still, sitting there and watching the sunrise with Sebastian, Kurt almost felt like a normal teenage boy. He didn’t feel nearly as fucked up as he knew he was, and relished in the feeling. He was sitting watching the sunset with a cute boy, something he never would have imagined could actually happen to him! The thought made him giddy with excitement, though he contained himself for the sake of not being totally weird. For this reason, he lingered, wanting to retain this feeling a little bit longer before he had to go talk to a therapist about all of his issues. For now, he could pretend that everything was okay. And, who knows, maybe it would be!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter! I felt like writing a small break from all of the angst, I'm not a COMPLETE sadist, haha. I'm sorry for taking so long to update, but life is exhausting sometimes. Either way, I really hope you are enjoying this chapter and the story so far. I find it so crazy that this story had done as well as it has, seeing as I wrote it on a whim is a way to vent. I honestly expected this story to get about ten hits if I was lucky, so this is absolutely crazy to me! I am so grateful for each and every one of you for continuing to read my story and be as supportive as you have been! If you ever need to reach out, I'm here!  
> Please leave comments telling me what you think! They provide a lot of motivation and I love hearing from you guys! Thank you!!!  
> Cherie x


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this makes up for the long wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it has been a hot minute (over a month), and a sincerely apologize for that. I've experienced a lot of writers block lately, and school/ballet/extracurriculars have been kicking my ass. A lot has changed though, and I'm doing a bit better mentally than I was before. I have a girlfriend now (!!!) and she's absolutely amazing. There's really no point to that statement, I just wanted to say it because I adore her.

After watching the sunrise, the two walked back to Sebastian’s dorm. They were grateful that Sebastian’s dorm mate had stayed out for the night, so they didn’t have to worry about being quiet. 

Kurt grabbed his things, walking over to Sebastian and hugging him tightly. Sebastian didn’t hesitate to hug back. 

“Thank you for this, Sebastian, really.” Sebastian smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. 

“You don’t have to thank me. You’ve got to know by now that you’re my favorite person, I love being around you.” Kurt grinned sheepishly, glad the other couldn’t see how flustered he was. “And don’t you dare deflect that. It’s the truth.”

Kurt just stayed quiet, a soft smile on his face as he glanced up at Sebastian with a rather lovestruck expression 

“Walk me to my dorm?” He asked hopefully. Sebastian chuckled. 

“Do you even have to ask? Of course.” Kurt smiled, holding the door open for Sebastian as they left. They walked back to Kurt’s dorm, standing a bit closer than most friends would. When they got there, Kurt leaned up and softly kissed Sebastian’s cheek, leaving the spot feeling a bit tingly. 

“I’ll give you back your clothes tomorrow,” he breezed, suddenly feeling a bit breathless as Sebastian took his hands. 

“Keep them. They look better on you anyways.” Sebastian brought one of Kurt’s hands up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles and releasing them. Kurt couldn’t help but grin, hoping Sebastian couldn’t feel his pounding heart. 

“Bye ‘Bastian, I’ll see you tonight?” Kurt asked rather hopefully. Sebastian nodded, unable to hide the goofy grin making its way across his face. 

“Of course.  _ Until next time. _ ” 

Kurt slipped into his dorm, a lovestruck grin evident on his face. This, of course, did not go unnoticed by his dorm mates, who playfully teased him a bit. They weren’t blind, they knew he was smiling about Sebastian. While they may have teased him, they were honestly glad that Kurt was smiling like that again. 

* * *

Kurt got in his navigator and drove to the therapy appointment, opting to stay in Sebastian’s clothing; it made him feel safe. When he got to the office, he sat in the waiting room doing calculus homework until he was called back. He suddenly felt much less confident, shrinking a bit as he walked back to his therapist’s office. He hesitantly sat down, staring at the floor as the door was closed. 

“Hello Kurt, how are you doing?” Kurt paused, thinking of how to best choose his words. 

“Currently? I’m doing well. And you?” Dr. Terrance couldn’t help but smile, laughing internally at how oddly formal he was for a teenage boy. 

“I’m doing quite well, but we aren’t here to talk about me. What’s been going on? I got a call saying that we needed to set up an emergency appointment as soon as possible with no further explanation. Would you mind telling me what happened?”

* * *

After the appointment, Kurt got in his car and drove back to Lima, feeling positively exhausted. When he pulled into the driveway, he texted Sebastian to let him know he had gotten home safe and went into his house. He was quickly greeted by Carole, who hugged him tightly and gushed over him for a few moments before letting go. They discussed fashion for a few minutes, and Kurt’s mind couldn’t help but go back to his magazines. He immediately thought of the rather thin boy on the cover of the latest Vogue, and his hand instinctively wrapped around his wrist to make sure it could still fit all the way around.

Carole noticed this, smile faltering slightly. 

“Kurt, hon, your dad is in the living room, why don’t we go find him?” She grabbed his hand, leading him into the other room. Kurt couldn’t help being slightly annoyed. While he knew the bodychecking wasn’t necessarily healthy, he did find it rather soothing. Regardless, he let her stop him and followed his stepmother into the living room to see his father. 

Kurt seemed to relax marginally once he saw his father. Burt noticed this and immediately hugged the too-thin boy. He made a mental note of the way his son’s collarbones poked him sharply, but decided against saying something for fear of triggering him. He knew that Kurt still had a ways to go, even if he had come this far. He hoped that one day, he could look at his son without feeling his heart break. It almost made Burt feel as though he had failed as a parent, it seemed like nothing went right for his son. Burt was confident though that Dalton had been the right choice. 

They pulled apart and sat on the couch, Kurt opting to lean against his father and wait for him to speak first. Unfortunately, Burt seemed to be wanting Kurt to break the silence, and they ended up caught in an awkward standstill. Eventually, Carole cleared her throat. 

“I’m making one of your favorites for dinner, Kurt. I pulled it from your meal plan, it’s kale and bean soup with salad and bread. The- uh, the bread is buttered.” Carole did her best to say this carefully, trying to gauge his reaction. She knew that the buttered bread would be particularly difficult for him, as oily meals were a bigger fear food for him. 

Luckily, Kurt just smiled gratefully, trying to ignore the way his palms went sweaty. He knew he could do it, but he couldn’t help feeling irrationally nervous at the thought of eating. He would never have expected bread and butter to feel so daunting.

“Thank you, Carole, that sounds lovely.” Carole smiled in relief, but Burt couldn’t miss the way his son’s shoulders remained tense. He couldn’t help wondering whether or not recovery was the right choice, seeing as his son was terrified of every meal. He quickly pushed that thought away, and he knew it was rather foolish. His kid almost died. Deciding to focus on these confusing thoughts at a later time, he addressed his wife.

“I can’t wait, sweetie. When do you think it will be ready? Kurt still has to drive back to Dalton today and I don’t want him driving back in the dark.” Kurt tried to protest, but Burt shot him down with a look of paternal scolding and mild concern. 

“Not too long, no more than twenty minutes,” replied Carole kindly. Burt nodded and thanked her. 

“Would you like any help with dinner?” Kurt made this offer to try and be nice, but noticed the way everyone else seemed to falter at this. Upon realizing it may seem disordered, he hastily continued, not bothering to hide his annoyance. “I just thought you might need some help. I do actually have hobbies that don’t have anything to do with starving myself.” Kurt knew that this came off a bit crosser than he intended, but the sentiment remained. He hated how everyone walked on eggshells around him. Everyone seemed to reduce him to his disorder, which made him feel like his disorder was all he was. He almost apologized, but felt that he had a point, and instead crossed his arms and leaned back on the couch. 

“Kurt, don’t be like that. You know why we’re worried, and you can’t act like there’s no reason to be.” Kurt just shot him a look with narrowed eyes. He knew he was being a bit difficult, but he felt as though it was the only way to get a point across anymore. Carole, however, picked up on the slight resentment in the statement and studied her stepson for a moment. She gestured for Burt to leave and sat down in a chair across from Kurt once he had done so.

She didn’t try to break the silence, just studying Kurt and waiting for him to do so. Having been a mother for so many years, she had gotten quite good at getting Finn to tell her things by giving him a look that made him feel uncomfortably under examination, and was hoping it would work on Kurt. Luckily, after a few seconds, Kurt broke. 

“I’m sorry. Well, no, I’m not going to apologize for what I said. My delivery may have been a bit harsher than I intended, but the sentiment remains,” remarked Kurt. He was determined to stand his ground and make his point. Satisfied, Carole leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms in a way that made Kurt feel as though he were being interrogated. This did nothing to comfort him, but her warm tone was at least a bit helpful in showing that she was not upset with him. 

“This feels like it’s coming out of nowhere,” she observed.

Kurt mimicked her demeanor, knowing that he needed to stand up for himself sometimes. “I don’t feel that way at all.” 

“Can you explain what you said then? I don’t think you needed to say what you said, it was kind of aggressive.” Carole was in no way confrontational when she said this, and still seemed almost observational. She was so calm, and Kurt found it slightly frustrating. But, she was being mature, so he was going to do the same. 

“Let me ask you something: When was the last time you guys asked me about something in my life that had nothing to do with my disorder? I feel like I can’t say anything anymore without it being tied back to that. Not everything I do is done with disordered intent, and it feels like you guys are reducing me to my disorder. I’m trying to learn that I’m more than that, but it feels like you guys still haven’t figured that out,” Kurt admitted. 

Carole’s expression remained blank, and he hated the way she was studying him. He wanted his stepmom, not a therapist. It was really difficult for him to talk about this stuff, as opening up about his problems was still fairly new for him. What frustrated him even more was what she said next.

“I see.” Kurt raised an eyebrow.

“Is that all you’re going to say?” He tried his best to quell his rising frustration, but didn’t do very well. 

“Was there something you wanted me to say?” Kurt couldn’t hold it in anymore, hands finding his hair and running through it in frustration. He found himself wishing he had Sebastian there; they had such a nice morning and now he felt awful again. 

“Are you serious? I’m trying, Carole, I really am. I’m really putting myself out here and doing my best. You’re treating me like a kid or a science experiment or something. I don’t know what else you want from me, because I’m trying so hard. If it wasn’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be eating all this shit and putting all of these calories into my body. I try to remain passive, but everytime I show the slightest bit of frustration, you guys withdraw and make me feel like I’m acting irrationally.” 

Kurt looked at Carole, who just sat in the same position and looked at him with the same indecipherable expression, evidently waiting on him to say more. He huffed when she remained silent. 

“You know what? No, I’m not doing this right now. I’m going back to Dalton where I don’t feel like I’m fucking crazy. Enjoy your dinner.” Kurt began gathering his stuff, glad that Carole was at least having some sort of reaction. 

“Kurt, wait-” Kurt shook his head, cutting her off. 

“No, your point has been made. I’m leaving.” He called out to his father, his frustration clear in his voice. “Bye, Dad. Make sure to watch your sodium for me, since I can’t even look at a nutrition label without getting fucking committed.” He stormed out in a manner that Rachel would be quite proud of and got into his car, still shutting the door softly. No matter how angry he was, he would not damage his car.

Kurt made it about halfway to Dalton in his aggravated state before he had to pull over onto the side of the road and cry for a little bit, resting his head on the steering wheel and letting the tears fall freely. He knew people were probably slowing down a bit to see what the hell was going on, since he clearly found the side of the highway the most convenient place to sob his heart out. 

Once he had calmed down enough to drive back, he did so, making it to the school and pulling into a parking lot. He knew that Warblers were having practice, but he didn’t feel like going at the moment. Since he already had a pass to miss rehearsal, he just went to his room, storming up the stairs in a way that signaled to the other students he was in no mood to be fucked with. 

They seemed to get the message though, as he was left alone. He made it to his empty room and practically threw his bag down on the ground, taking off his shoes, turning out the lights, and crawling into bed. He was halfway tempted to start starving again just to get back at everyone, but knew that wouldn’t be fair to them or to himself. Instead, he just wanted to stare at the wall until he inevitably fell asleep and could forget everything for a little bit. 

Kurt lay there for an indeterminate amount of time, but the news of his supposed fury had somehow made its way back to Sebastian, as evidenced by a hesitant knock on the door. The door slowly opened after he didn’t respond, and Sebastian’s eyes landed on Kurt laying under the blanket and staring at the wall. He would have thought he was asleep if not for the way he tensed when the door opened. 

“Hey, Kurt. It’s dinnertime, and I wanted to know if you wanted to come down with me to get something to eat?” Kurt sighed slightly, cursing Sebastian for being so damn caring. 

“I already ate,” he mumbled. They both knew this was a lie, but Sebastian seemed to let it slide. He gave a small nod, despite knowing Kurt couldn’t see it. 

“Alright. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to text me. I’ll come back up to check on you later.” Kurt heard the door shut and was grateful to be alone once again. He was very thankful for Sebastian though, as the boy was incredibly caring when he wanted to be. Something about his friend seemed to calm him at least slightly. He wasn’t sure if he was in the mood to be calm yet though, at least a part of him wanted to prolong his frustration as much as possible. He settled on putting in his earbuds and listening to music so he could wallow without any further disruption. 

Sebastian, meanwhile, was a bit worried about Kurt- most of the Warblers were. Many of the other boys asked Sebastian what was wrong, assuming he knew and knowing that Kurt didn’t feel like talking from the way he stormed through the hallways. Sebastian just shrugged them off and stated that he didn’t know, but even if he did, he wouldn’t tell them out of respect for his friend’s privacy. He could tell by Kurt’s mood and his refusal to go to dinner that he likely had not eaten. 

After he finished eating, Sebastian went and got a second plate of food, grabbing some more silverware and heading up to Kurt’s room. He knew the boy was likely still in bed, but he knocked anyway. Upon receiving no response, he opened the door, a bit saddened to see that Kurt had not moved. He flicked on the lights, causing Kurt to lift his head slightly and take out one of his earbuds. 

“Sebastian? What are you doing?” He asked, looking up at his friend with slightly watery eyes. 

“I just brought you something to eat. I noticed you weren’t at dinner and figured you didn’t want to deal with everyone in the dining hall right now.” Sebastian didn’t add that he didn’t think Kurt had eaten, but they both knew that it was included in the sentiment, and it hung thickly in the air around them. Kurt looked at the boy standing in the doorway for a moment before taking out both of his earbuds, sighing slightly and sitting up in the bed. 

“Thank you, Sebastian, that’s really nice of you,” he finally said. He gestured for Sebastian to join him in the bed. 

“Of course,” Sebastian smiled. He walked over and slipped off his shoes, setting the plate on the bedside table and crawling into bed next to Kurt. A few months ago, this would have seemed strange, but cuddling with Kurt seemed almost routine at this point. They fit like puzzle pieces, falling into place whenever given the chance. 

Once he had crawled under the covers with his friend, he just wrapped his arms around the other boy, who rested his head on Sebastian’s chest. 

Kurt knew that Sebastian was dying to ask, so he was the first one to break the silence, allowing Sebastian to take his hand and trace the creases in his palm. 

“I got in a fight with my dad and Carole,” he said softly. Sebastian looked a bit surprised, but nodded. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not particularly,” admitted Kurt. Sebastian hummed in acknowledgment.

“That’s alright, I won’t force you, but if you need to talk, I’m here.” Kurt smiled, mumbling a soft thanks and relaxing more into his friend. 

Sebastian was silent for a moment, trying to think of how exactly to break the news to Kurt that he would have to eat dinner. He knew that Kurt probably wouldn’t argue, but he wanted to phrase it in the nicest way possible so Kurt didn’t feel like he was being given some sort of ultimatum. Eventually, he settled on something.

“What about this: I brought you some dinner. Once you finish that, we can go get coffee and study at the park. I still have that picnic blanket that we can use, and the sun hasn’t set yet because Dalton seems to think we want to eat dinner at five PM.” When he said this, Sebastian grinned and nudged Kurt slightly, making it impossible for him to say no. 

Kurt couldn’t help but smile, the playful expression on Sebastian’s face was infectious. 

“Fine, but you have to let me change. These clothes are ugly and I’m not wearing them in public for a second time today.” Sebastian gasped in mock offense.

“You’re wearing my sweatshirt!” Kurt grinned mischievously. 

“And? Why do you think it’s ugly?” The words would have seemed rude if it were anything else, but this type of banter was typical with Kurt and Sebastian, and their playful tones made it clear that they weren’t serious. 

“First of all, rude. Second of all, I think you look good.” Sebastian hummed. Of course, he couldn’t help but flirt a bit just to make his friend blush. “Of course, I always think you look good.” 

Predictably, Kurt’s cheeks darkened slightly, and he gave Sebastian a look. Sebastian winked in response, and Kurt rolled his eyes with a laugh, being dismissive and hoping Sebastian couldn’t hear his heart pounding from where he sat on the bed. 

“Fine, but I’m at least changing out of these jeans.” Sebastian cheered, knowing that this was the closest he would get to Kurt admitting defeat. 

“Fair enough, but I like you in my clothes. The only thing I’d like better would be to get you out of them.” Kurt raised an eyebrow, walking over slowly.

“Oh, really?” Sebastian paused, watching him. Once Kurt got close enough, he just smacked Sebastian in the shoulder. “You’re disgusting,” he laughed. 

“You love me,” retorted Sebastian, sticking out his tongue and catching Kurt by the arms before he could walk away. 

Kurt feigned pulling away, humming slightly as though in deep thought before responding. 

“Debatable.” Sebastian laughed, using Kurt to stand up. 

Kurt couldn’t help the way his gaze flickered between Sebastian’s eyes and lips, but he forced himself to look away. He offered a softer smile, full of love as he met Sebastian’s eyes once more. 

“I’ll be right back,” he breathed, to which Sebastian nodded, seeming to be experiencing the same sensation of breathlessness. 

Kurt managed to pull away, finding a pair of jeans and going into the bathroom to change. He stayed turned away from the mirror, not particularly in the mood for a breakdown. 

When he came out, he sat down at his desk with the plate of food Sebastian had brought him. He had managed to finish most of it, making light conversation with his friend. He set the plate aside when he was done, grateful that Sebastian didn’t make a comment about him not finishing. He was genuinely full, and was proud of himself for stopping when he felt so.

Sebastian smiled, eyeing the plate and seeming to be satisfied with the amount, because he didn’t make a comment. 

“Finished?” Kurt nodded slightly, and Sebastian stood up. “Cool. Why don’t you gather your school stuff while I take this down to the dining hall,” Sebastian offered, picking up the plate. Kurt shook his head quickly. 

“It’s fine, I can take it-” Sebastian cut him off with a small laugh. 

“Get your school stuff together, I’ll be back in a few.” 

Kurt seemed to know better than to argue, as he just nodded. He got up and started gathering his books, putting them in his bag.

When Sebastian got back to the room, he didn’t bother knocking, just slipping into the room and clearing his throat slightly to alert Kurt of his presence. Of course, Kurt had heard him come in; years of bullying had made him unusually vigilant and hyper-aware of his surroundings even now. Still, he appreciated the warning.

“Ready to go?” Sebastian asked. Kurt nodded, watching Sebastian carefully, as if debating something. He walked over to his friend, standing in front of him for a few seconds and just looking at him. 

Sebastian was a bit confused, and he looked back down at Kurt, raising an eyebrow as if to ask if everything was okay. 

That was all it took for Kurt. He leaned up, hand finding the back of Sebastian’s head as he leaned in. Just before their lips met, Kurt paused, causing Sebastian to whine slightly in disappointment. 

“This okay?” Asked Kurt, wanting nothing more than to close the gap between them. Sebastian gulped slightly, humming in agreement and wondering if he was dreaming. 

Kurt took this as the agreement it was and kissed Sebastian softly, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as he did so. 

Sebastian’s arms wound around Kurt’s waist, pulling him closer. Kurt kept one hand on the back of the boy’s head, the other meeting Sebastian’s at his hip.

Sebastian turned his hand slightly so their fingers could intertwine, which they quickly did. He took the opportunity to gently stroke the back of Kurt’s hand with his thumb, this seemed to relax the other boy and clear up any hesitance he was still experiencing. 

Kurt melted into the kiss more, allowing himself to get lost in the feeling of Sebastian’s lips against his own. 

Eventually, Sebastian pulled away just enough to whisper against Kurt’s lips, head still reeling from the kiss. 

“Why don’t we stay here instead, yeah?” He mumbled. Kurt nodded quickly, looking up at Sebastian with a rather smitten expression. 

After getting this agreement, Sebastian went in for another kiss, to which Kurt happily obliged, pouring into it all the love he had felt for Sebastian over the past few months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It finally happened! I hoped you liked this! Please leave comments PLEASE, they give me so much motivation to write, and we all know my motivation is lacking at times.   
> I hope this was okay! I am a lesbian, so I don't often write actual romance, just pining and angst. Bear with me here, and if you have any constructive criticism, feel free to leave it in the comments! This is not beta read because I am a fool with no motivation or regular updating schedule, and I have a layer of fog in my brain at all times. I have no idea if any of this is making sense, but let's just hope it does. 
> 
> Please comment! I love you guys!!   
> Cherie xx :)


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not only am I updating, but it's not completely depressing? Wow.

“Why don’t we stay here instead, yeah?” He mumbled. Kurt nodded quickly, looking up at Sebastian with a rather smitten expression. 

After getting this agreement, Sebastian went in for another kiss, to which Kurt happily obliged, pouring into it all the love he had felt for Sebastian over the past few months. 

* * *

At some point, the two managed to make it to a chair, Sebastian sitting down and Kurt straddling his lap. They seemed to be unable to part for more than a few seconds, finally getting to do what they had longed for for ages. 

Eventually, Kurt pulled away for air, panting softly and allowing his hands to rest on Sebastian’s shoulders. He pressed his forehead against the other boy’s, smiling slightly. 

“Wow,” breathed Sebastian, smiling breathlessly. Kurt nodded in wordless agreement, an airy chuckle slipping through his lips. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he mumbled, punctuating the sentence with another kiss. 

Sebastian grinned, flirtiness returning after the initial awe had subsided. 

“I think I have a pretty good idea,” he muttered against Kurt’s lips before capturing them in another kiss. 

Kurt smiled, not hesitating to kiss back. He truthfully didn’t want the kiss to end anytime soon, and wished he could just stay here with Sebastian forever. However, he knew that was unrealistic. Still, he had at least until his roommates got back, so he gave in to the feeling and continued kissing Sebastian. 

Sebastian had no qualms about the current activity, but he knew Nick and Jeff would be back at any point. He pulled back slightly, but couldn’t remain away for long, settling on mumbling the words against Kurt’s lips between passionate kisses. 

“What about- roommates?” Kurt deflated slightly, but pulled away, leaving slow kisses on Sebastian’s lips as he did so. 

“I forgot about them,” he admitted with a slight laugh. Instead of going in for another kiss, he just leaned against Sebastian, not moving from where he was. 

Sebastian smiled slightly, bringing a hand up to softly cup the other boy’s cheek. 

“Do you want to continue to forget about them?” Kurt chuckled softly in response to that, letting out a content sigh. 

“As much as I want to take you up on that offer, I’d rather not start the drama that comes along with it right now.” Sebastian nodded in understanding, and they sat in a comfortable silence until he spoke up, asking the question that lingered on both of their minds.

“So… What does this mean for us exactly?” Kurt chewed his lip, a bit nervous as he glanced at Sebastian. 

“Well, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend, but if you don’t want that, I understand. You definitely don’t have to, I just thought-” Sebastian laughed slightly, cutting him off as he began to ramble. 

“Kurt, I’d love to,” he reassured, pressing another soft kiss to Kurt’s lips.

Kurt visibly relaxed, a relieved exhale slipping through his lips. 

“Cool, cool,” he mumbled, slightly breathless, but unable to hide the smile on his face. They remained in that position for a bit before Kurt continued. “Do you mind if we maybe wait to talk to the Warblers about this? I’m definitely not ashamed of you or anything, but I really am not prepared to deal with the drama and fallout that comes with them- particularly Blaine- finding out,” he admitted. 

Sebastian had honestly expected that, and felt the same way. However, he knew Kurt was a bit nervous of upsetting him, having previously dated someone as reactive as Blaine. Sebastian wanted to quell his fears as rapidly as possible, nodding.

“That’s totally fine. Honestly, I kind of like the idea of a secret relationship. Sneaking around and all that seems really hot,” he hummed, shooting Kurt a playful wink. 

Kurt laughed slightly, but couldn’t help nod in agreement and try to suppress the slight flush that rose to his cheeks. 

“I certainly won’t disagree with that,” he chimed. After a few moments more, Kurt groaned slightly, catching sight of the time. “They’ll be back soon, so we should probably make it look like we’re doing homework.” He reluctantly climbed off of Sebastian, grabbing a few books and laying them open on the bed as if he were studying. He laid on his stomach in front of him, beckoning for Sebastian to come over and do the same. 

Sebastian, being a lovestruck fool, did it immediately. After they were both settled in on his bed, Sebastian pulled out his phone, plugging in his earbuds. He put one in, handing the other to Kurt, who happily took it. 

They laid there for a bit, listening to music and absentmindedly doodling in their notebooks as they held hands. Sebastian couldn’t help but thank whatever god was up there for the fact that he was left handed, so that he could comfortably hold Kurt’s hand as he wrote in his notebook. 

When Jeff and Nick came in, Kurt and Sebastian reluctantly released each other’s hands, shooting each other a knowing look before glancing up at the other boys. Kurt offered a slight smile in greeting before turning back and actually starting on work. 

Unfortunately, their serenity couldn’t last long. Soon after, there was a knock at the door. Kurt looked up to see if Nick or Jeff would get it, but they were too busy making out, an occurrence that he- and every other Dalton student- was quite used to by now. He looked at Sebastian for a second, exchanging a glance as if to let him know he would get it and getting out of bed. 

Kurt figured that it was likely Wes or someone else at the door, so he wasn’t too worried as he opened it. However, the shock in his voice as he saw who was on the other side alarmed the others in the room. 

“What are you doing here?” Kurt knew this was a little bit harsher than he intended, but he was genuinely surprised. 

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here?’ I’m here for you!” 

Kurt sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance as everyone in the room jumped up. Jeff quickly interjected.

“Kurtie, do you want me to take care of him for you?” He clenched his fists menacingly and made threatening eye contact with the boy at the door. Kurt, however, shook his head. 

“No, Jeff, thank you. I can take care of it.” He looked up at the boy, clear annoyance on his face and in his voice. “Blaine, what do you want?” 

Blaine was a bit surprised by this hostility and was quick to put on his typical wounded puppy act, not seeming to realize that it wouldn’t work on Kurt. 

“I just wanted to check on you? I know that the breakup has been rough for you, but I wanted to let you know that if you wanted to get back together- which you eventually will- we can. I promise I can take care of you!” 

Kurt’s jaw dropped. He could not believe what he was hearing, and he looked behind him to the other (appalled) people in the room to make sure they were hearing what he was hearing. He let out a soft breath of laughter when he turned back to Blaine, wondering how on earth he could have had feelings for someone this self involved. 

“Wow, Blaine, okay. Where to start? Um- first of all, I want to say that we aren’t getting back together. Ever. That is not happening. Us?” Kurt gestured between the two of them. “That train has long passed, and it’s not coming back. You had your chance, and you really messed it up. I no longer have feelings for you, Blaine. In fact, I find you kind of insufferable, so I want you to get any notion of there being even the slightest possibility of us getting back together out of your head.” Blaine pouted.

“But Kurt-” Kurt quickly cut him off. 

“No, Blaine, I’m not finished.” The other three boys in the room sat up, knowing they were in for a treat. Kurt was about to utterly destroy Blaine, and they knew it. 

“I just-” Kurt looked incredibly annoyed.

“I said I wasn’t finished. I would tell you to listen, but you clearly find yourself incapable of doing that. It’s a shame, because I thought that was a skill taught to you in Preschool, right along with being nice and not using daddy’s money to bail you out of any inconvenience you may have. We dated for a few weeks, during which you took every chance you had to tear me down and make me feel awful about myself because of your own insecurities. You don’t care about me, you only care about how having me makes you feel. I’m not a toy, Blaine. I’m not here for you to use to make you feel good about yourself before discarding. Next, I want to address your belief that I’m taking our breakup badly. Please, enlighten me as to how you got that impression.” 

Blaine stammered for a moment, clearly taken aback.

“Well- uh- after we broke up, you didn’t show up to school for- like- two months. You had to go to the hospital, which is a little dramatic, but I know you can be like that sometimes, so it’s fine.”

Kurt just looked at him, utterly dumbfounded. 

“Are you joking? Please tell me you’re joking- oh, jesus christ.” Kurt ran his fingers through his hair in disbelief. “I went to the hospital because I had been starving myself, not because I broke up with you. I really don’t think I should have to explain that to you. However, because it takes a lot to get something through that helmet of hair gel you wear, I will. I have a serious illness! I was hospitalized because of it! Not everything is about you, even if you try to make it that way.”

Blaine frowned, reaching out to place his hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt dodged his touch, looking dangerously angry.

“Don’t touch me! You had your chance and ruined it. I don’t want you, the Warblers don’t want you, what is it going to take? Do you have to get kicked out of Dalton to finally understand this? Please just leave. If you want to keep looking like a kicked puppy, I have no problem actually kicking you.”

Blaine continued to pout, but sighed. 

“Fine, Kurt, I can see when I’m not wanted-” Kurt raised an eyebrow in questioning, but wanted him gone and didn’t argue further. “-or appreciated, so I’ll go. Let me know when you come to your senses and I’ll be here.” 

Kurt offered a very passive aggressive smile and slammed the door. When it was shut, he huffed in frustration, clicking it locked and then leaning against it. 

The other people in the room gave him a moment to breathe, but Sebastian was the first to speak up.

“That was hot as fuck.” Kurt’s head snapped up, and he looked at Sebastian with a flustered expression. Before he could deny anything, Jeff was quick to agree.

“It really was, I’ve been waiting to see you rip Blanderson a new one.” Kurt snorted at the nickname.

“Well, he’s definitely had it coming for a while now.” The other people in the room nodded in agreement. Kurt walked back to his bed and flopped down next to Sebastian.

Jeff got up from where he was (still) straddling Nick’s lap, much to his boyfriend’s dismay, and walked to the door. 

“If you excuse me, I’m going to go tell everyone how you ripped Blaine apart. I’ll see you later tonight!” He started towards the door, Nick trailing after him with a lovestruck expression. However, he stopped before he reached the door. “Oh! And- you two, use protection.” Jeff winked at them, grinning mischievously as he and Nick made their way outside. 

Kurt rolled his eyes, but laughed all the same. He looked toward Sebastian, the smile not leaving his face. 

“I love Jeff, but he’s such a gossip. I swear, he’s worse than the girls at McKinley-” he said, affection clear in his voice. 

Sebastian smiled, nodding in silent agreement and reaching out to take Kurt’s hand again. 

“I really don’t think I’m in a position to argue with that.” Sebastian paused, glancing toward the door. “They locked the door behind them, right?”

Kurt looked at him in slight confusion, but glanced to the door. 

“No, they didn’t. Do you want me to lock it?” 

Sebastian nodded, which prompted Kurt to get up again, followed by Sebastian. After clicking the lock shut, he smiled, looking at his now-boyfriend. 

“Is it locked?” Kurt nodded. He tried to say yes, but was quickly cut off by Sebastian kissing him deeply, pressing him against the door. 

Kurt instinctively tensed, remembering the locker room at McKinley, but his hesitation only lasted a second before he melted into the kiss, feeling Sebastian’s hand cradle his face and remembering that he was safe.

Sebastian, however, was in tune enough with Kurt to notice the slight hesitation, and began to pull back slightly, though did not get very far before Kurt pulled him back in, deepening the kiss. 

When they did eventually pull away, Kurt just grinned, pressing his forehead against Sebastian’s and trying to catch his breath. 

“What was that for?” 

“I told you already, the way you verbally destroyed Anderson? Super hot.” Sebastian wore his signature smirk, though his eyes displayed the clear love he felt for Kurt. 

Kurt laughed slightly, leaning in and kissing Sebastian once more.

“Shut up-” he laughed as he connected their lips. 

Sebastian pulled back enough to reply.

“Bossy,” he remarked. Kurt looked up at him and rolled his eyes again. 

“And this is news how?” Kurt punctuated the words with soft kisses to Sebastian’s jawline, enjoying the way Sebastian’s breath hitched when he did so.

“It’s not, I just wanted you to know that I’m totally into it.” 

And they were kissing again, soft smiles on both of their faces. At some point, Sebastian’s hand wandered down slightly to Kurt’s hip, causing him to tense slightly ( _ hips like a pear _ ) and move Sebastian’s hand. 

Sebastian instantly pulled back, looking at Kurt with slight concern. 

“I’m sorry, baby, do you want me to stop?” Kurt quickly shook his head, glancing up at Sebastian. 

“No, please don’t,” he mumbled, “just- I’m a bit more self conscious about my hips.”

Sebastian nodded, moving his hands to a place where he knew was more comfortable. As much as he wanted to reassure Kurt that he was beautiful and that there was nothing wrong with his hips, he knew that wasn’t what the other boy needed. So, he mumbled one last apology and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend again. 

* * *

Later, the two of them were curled up on Kurt’s bed, Kurt absentmindedly running his fingers through Sebastian’s hair and occasionally pressing soft kisses to his head. 

Sebastian quite enjoyed the attention, but had something he wanted to say. He sat up slightly, turning to face Kurt.

“As much as I’m enjoying this, I do think we need to talk.” 

Kurt’s face fell instantly. 

“Oh god, you’re breaking up with me, aren’t you? You changed your mind about liking me.” Sebastian hated the resigned expression on Kurt’s face; he seemed so sure of it. 

“What? Baby, no, of course not! It’s nothing like that, I promise.” Sebastian took Kurt by the hands, which seemed to relax him significantly. “I just wanted to talk about touching. Earlier, I noticed you didn’t really like when I touched your hips, and I wanted to see if there was anything else I should know? I want you to be comfortable, and I definitely don’t want to accidentally trigger you just because I got carried away.

Kurt was incredibly touched by this sentiment, grateful that Sebastian cared enough to ask. 

“Thank you, that’s really sweet,” he mumbled, trying to think of any specific places. “Um, I think my hips are the biggest one. Maybe try to stay away from my stomach and thighs too? If you don’t mind? I might sometimes tense up, but only because of bad memories and stuff. It’s nothing personal, and I trust you, but- you need to understand that I was bullied badly for most of my life. I still have a lot of knee-jerk reactions to everyday things.” Kurt didn’t want Sebastian to feel bad, so he laughed nervously and started to ramble, trying to explain himself. “Gosh, you should have seen me the other day. I saw Skylar carrying a slushy and instinctively dropped my books and flinched. He was really confused, which was super awkward to explain away, but-”

Sebastian cut him off, gently rubbing the back of Kurt’s hand with his thumb. 

“It’s okay,  _ mon cherie, _ you don’t have to explain anything to me, alright? I promise you that I get it. I’m not going to push you into anything you don’t want to do, and you don’t have to worry about upsetting me. I hate them for what they did to you, but it’s in the past. We can’t change that. What we can do is try to make the future better for you, which is my goal, okay?” He pressed a gentle kiss to Kurt’s hand.

“Okay, thank you, Sebastian,” he smiled sheepishly. 

Sebastian shook his head. 

“Please don’t thank me for this, it’s the bare minimum for me as a boyfriend. I promise that I will do my best to respect your boundaries, just tell me if I ever cross one.” 

Kurt hummed in agreement, chewing his lip to avoid thanking him again.

After a moment of silence, Kurt spoke up. 

“Are there any boundaries you have that I should know about?”

“Nope, my body is free reign,” Sebastian said suggestively, winking and making a playful gesture to his body. 

Kurt rolled his eyes, sighing slightly. 

“You’re disgusting-” he laughed. 

“That’s right,” Sebastian winked again. He opened his mouth, most likely to spout off some other innuendo, but Kurt cut him off with yet another kiss, unable to keep the smile off of his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments! I love reading your comments and talking about my fic, I promise you aren't annoying me! Getting comments from you guys makes my day!
> 
> Cherie xx


	26. Not a Chapter!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will probably be deleting this!

Hi! I know it's been a few weeks and I wanted to update you guys on everything that's been going on. I recently got a kind of mean comment on this story that really hurt my feelings and sort of destroyed my motivation to write for a bit. My self esteem has been very fragile lately and it ruined any self confidence I've gained as a writer, so it will probably be at least another week before the next update is up. I've since deleted the comment, but I want to say this:

I am a person. Fic writers are people. I know that, hidden behind a screen, it is easy to detach or dehumanize authors and not realize the effect your words can have on people, but it hurts. If you wouldn't say something to someone in real life, don't say it on the internet. It hurts a lot, please think before you say these things. Your actions and words have consequences, and real people are hurt by them. I'm open to constructive criticism, but telling someone that their story is terrible isn't constructive, it's just mean. Sharing my writing takes a lot out of me, especially this story. This story is very dear to me, I based Kurt off of myself in terms of his eating disorder, so I feel like, by sharing this with you, I am sharing a very intimate part of myself with a lot of people. To tear it apart isn't necessary, and is actually quite mean. I care a lot about my readers, and your opinion means a lot to me. If you see something that you don't like, you don't have to ignore it, but I'd prefer you comment in a constructive, or at least civil manner. Please just try to be nicer, because your words can hurt. Thank you, I love you all. 

Cherie x


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